Before the storms weathered what feels like such an old soul
The golden hues of my hair, before I tried to fit into someone else’s mold
Laughing and screaming while falling from trees
No tears spilled over skinned knees
Hushed yelling cursed names spewed
I quickly learned I mustn’t break any rules
Now quiet and reserved never missing a social cue
I once was so brave not even my family had a clue
The resilience I had at such a young age
Always putting on my happy face I smile and wave
She’s such a good girl isn’t that what they always would say
As I quickly grew up so ahead of my time
I made sure to never lose my shine
Adventure seeker turned people pleaser
She always remembered her name laughing off all of the pain
Authentically you, never afraid to steer off to catch a good view
Jumping into lakes to beat the heat
Making potions in the kitchen when I should’ve been asleep
Stirring the pot never over thinking a single thought
Sneaking midnight snacks popcorn in between laughs

Chronically misunderstood
As wild as the Florida wind
Emotions flooding through like a hurricane
Hushed through the pain
Left alone to cry out the shame
Return with a smile learning to constrain my wild
Find hope through art only for it to be torn apart
Strong enough to stand again
Each time I was shoved a mark was left
A feeling that has since remained in my chest
An ache in my heart
But my love stayed true
Once a fighter refusing to let them break you
Golden hues turned dark and untamed
Always regaining my light after every rain
Picking up the pieces taking others parts as my own
All the love I gave came back to me through the unknown
Following blindly the ones I admired
Down the darkest paths of desire
I learned my way from such a young age
I fought the course only to be brought back to it once more
All the hope left my body I left it with the sea
I’ll dive again and bring it all back to me
I see that young girl with golden hair teaching her that while life isn’t always fair to never shrink or lose her flair
So here I declare to repave the path I thought was my heir
I see the world through those young dark eyes
As the years have soared by they’ve lightened over time
When I fight I fight for you
I heal for you
Your resilience is now mine
My peace will be ours

Once so wild and carefree
Laughing singing falling from trees
As I heal for me I hurt for you
Breaking free from the chains finally living without all this pain

I stood tall and proud filled with dreams until I fell from the clouds
But as I age and have learned grace
I smile back reminiscing about your face
The courage in you stayed true until your light burned out
I don’t think we truly believed our doubts
As we find our way back to each other
Our light starts to burn brighter than ever
Our flame ignites once more the magic ignites together we soar
You were strong for me and now I fight for you

July 24th, 2024
Happy birthday, little one! We are officially 26 years old. I still need to work on a lot and have been putting off writing this to you for a while. The remnant of our past lingers in my mind and still upsets me, so I will try not to cry while writing this (still anxious as ever). I look back at past letters and things Yia Yia and Mom have said to you so I can use them as a resource since I am not too good at opening up, but I will try my best; I promise you it will not be as good as they spoke to you, but it will still be enough. You are my muse; you showed me strength when it felt like the world was placed on our shoulders. You inspired me to do anything in life that I manifest for myself. You are brave; you spoke up when things were wrong and cared for others before yourself. Finally, you are resilient; stuff you do not speak on that you struggled with and handled from such a young age has shown who you are.

I questioned how we became such a good person if our past had shown differently. From generational trauma, you continuously try to break, but it still comes up for air. To the infinite love you have inside of you for others and not yourself, you have let depression overstay its welcome, but it has never taken away your love from the inside of your soul, which has amazed me. You would be 24 today if I did not have you screaming in my head not to do this to your family; I chose to walk downstairs instead of making a decision you know all too well about the grief it gives others. Every year, the day after today, I still have a piece of you: the 7-year-old girl who found out her dad passed away, the 15-year-old teenager who found her dad’s news article that he shot himself, and the 24-year-old who almost did the same thing, but you stopped me. I don’t believe I would have had the strength to do it, but just the thought was enough to bring you to the surface, the most robust inner child I have ever met to this day.

Writing to you has released a lot off my chest, and I thank you for listening. You have always been a great listener, and I love you for that. Today, I work as a 911 operator, saving lives for the last five years, which is not close to what you have done for me my whole life. I have written this letter repeatedly, thinking of different ways to place these words and speak to you, but I hope this helps you understand that you have always been enough. I am forever thankful it went God’s way and not ours for most things. Mom has always done her best to protect us, and there is a reason she kept the truth away from us for so long. Your dad loved you, and it was not your fault. He went through so much in life that led him to that point; he no longer suffers in this cruel world and is in a better place looking down on us. You can release the past trauma and live presently. I have learned a lot over the last few years, and it certainly opened my eyes to speak to yourself with a positive tone and never negatively, which will affect you.

Last year was the first year I brought Dad’s ashes out after 18 years to watch a sunset on our birthday. I also grabbed a cupcake for old memories to enjoy what we couldn’t the day we found out. In the years I have not allowed us to enjoy a birthday, I finally looked inside and let you out to play, not to keep you locked up. You guided me towards better things and how to handle situations. So here is to another year of life and another candle for you to blow out. Make a wish.

Do not tell me what it was, but I am thankful for you and life. I will see you at church on Sunday and wish you peace, happiness, love, and faith.

I want to share with you my favorite quotes:

“Be your light in the darkness; you are the only one who can help yourself.”

“Life isn’t about surviving the storm; it’s about learning how to dance in the rain.”

“I watch the sunset to feel the serotonin, seeing for myself the beauty and art our loved ones paint across the sky from above.”

Love you always, A. Simone

Dear little Antoinette,

We are on a trip down memory lane. While I thought I was just planning a trip to show our family where life started, you were planning a healing adventure. We’ve cried a lot. We hung out a lot. And we’ve gotten to know each other better.

I loved letting you lead as our children got to meet your carefree spirit. Swinging from ropes to drop into the very cold springs, canoeing down the peaceful river, jumping off platforms! Making core memories with our babies on the swings right outside of our cabin in the woods. Showing our husband the fearlessness within on hikes through the wilderness.

I know leaving was hard, and you didn’t understand why we had to go and you hadn’t a say so. Thank you for allowing me to meet you at our old house and console your pain. Seeing you jumping up and down, scream “Why did we leave?” Was heartwrenching. Yet, wrapping my arms around you as you sobbed, in the most healing way was the absolute highlight of this journey. Despite spending the majority of our lives in South Florida, North Florida is and will forever be home; I know that now. Soon enough we will be back home. Patiently waiting is one thing we find challenging, however, if you allow me to take the lead we will be back!

You are so brave! You are so carefree! You are so fearless! You are so adventurous! You are so authentically you! I’m so grateful to have spent this time together, and to have introduced you to my family! Thank you for reminding me of who we are at the core. What you have done for me is honestly indescribable! Now, what I will do for you is, set you free!

I love you always!
Forever – Me

Dear Little Me,
There is so much I want to say, but if I could say anything I want you to remember this: fear is an illusion. Never let it drive your decisions.
You are a unique being with a bright light and can accomplish anything you set your mind to. If you ever feel lost or alone, that light will guide you to where you need to go. Your heart is full of love. It’s okay to protect it, but share it with the world! When you share your love and feel rejected that’s ok. Those aren’t your people, but thank and love them anyway. There is always someone that will love you and it starts with YOU loving YOURSELF.
Don’t be afraid to try new things. In fact, do all the things! They are opportunities to have fun and learn about what you like. You are a true winner as long as you keep love, confidence and hope in your heart. Believe in yourself and love yourself first. When you do, you’ll see it in the people around you.
Mistakes are learning opportunities of self discovery. When you notice them, embrace them with gratitude. They are here to help you and change is inevitable. Sometimes it may be uncomfortable, but you will learn to love yourself unconditionally and see the bigger picture.
The universe loves you just as you are. If you fall, it will catch you. If you cry, it will hold you. If you’re sad, it will comfort you with unconditional love. Things will always balance out. So stay in the present moment and enjoy being you. Your voice is important and you have everything you need already inside you to accomplish anything.
Keep writing your stories; I will read them. Keep painting your drawings; I will display them. Keep singing your songs; your voice is phenomenal. Keep reading books; it’ll expand your imagination. Keep running barefoot and soaking up the wonderful sun. Don’t forget to dance in the rain. Shape your own destiny with positive thoughts. Keep going love, you got this!
I love you
Big Me

I wonder what you’d think of me
if I went to the backyard where you brewed potions out of acorns and fallen leaves
 
and showed you all the scars the world
and myself have left in me
 
Would you say,
“Oh, I’m so sorry!”
While plastering
Hello Kitty Band-Aids all over me?
 
Because if you would,
then I think I’d ruin it by asking,
“Do you not recognize me?”
 
Then I’d watch
your dimples fade
When you realize who
 
Cause I know
you’d only feel so much hate for a woman
who straightens out
the same curls as you
 
But I wondered no longer
when you screamed, “we’re so pretty!”
Which was beautiful
since it’s something I haven’t told myself
in a while
 
But it made me remember
that you don’t feel judgmental pity,
since you don’t have any crayons that come in that color
 
How could you
when dusty frames say
you only draw pictures of superheroes,
rainbows and daffodil flowers?
 
And I think that’s why yesterday
I felt you tugging on my sleeve
When I was panicking that I had
hurt a friend’s feelings
 
Which left me surrendering to the fact
They’re going to leave
Because I was failing
At being the “right” version of me
 
But then I felt it again.
A pull on my tissue encased pockets
From a hand of a child
with a headful of golden ringlets
 
Who whispered, “it’s okay.
If they really love you,
then they’ll stay. I promise.”
 
And this gave me a breath I didn’t have
But my lungs still questioned if
I’ll ever actually be worthy enough for them
 
And that’s when I looked down
and saw your chipped, pink nails
wrapped around me
like you were one of those friendship bracelets
tied around your arm, so tightly
 
Who stretched her small silhouette
up to my ear,
her dirty bare feet pirouetting,
struggling to whisper,
 
“Remember all the rides they told us
we couldn’t get on until we were ‘this big to enter?’
 
Then why do you feel you need to be perfect
if the sign never said you had to be, but just a bit taller?
 
Cause now you’re big enough to ride them all
but you never do
and all because
you don’t think you’ll ever be good enough to.
 
How’s that any fun for us?
What’s even the point of growing up
if you can’t do anything you dreamed of?”
 
And then that weight lifted off my chest
That I haven’t felt free from since I was 13
And there was hope I didn’t know was left
that I hadn’t lost who I was becoming
 
So, now I’m writing this letter of love
To the reckless, self- assured little girl
Who brought me back to life
with a friendship bracelet and messy hug
 
Because I beg of you,
please continue to speak
cause I just want to echo all your
untamed, reverberating curiosity
 
And I swear- scouts honor-
to imitate your wild innocence
and your inconsiderate roar,
to try and stop silencing your rambunctiousness,
and hopeful outlook on the world
 
Because I want to pull you off the shelf
since it felt like I lost so much of us
when I tucked it all away in that box
the world carved out for my girlhood, itself
 
And seeing how little
your shadow is next to mine
reminded me I’m big enough to reach you now
cause those Hello Kitty Band-Aids
helped me realize
I’m pretty tall when I don’t feel the need to shrink myself down
 
I should admit though,
I also wrote this letter
to ask about that potion
and if you could make me another?
 
Because its magic taught me
that I did have to grow up,
but I didn’t have to outgrow you
because a part of me will always be five years old
Begging shooting stars for my dreams to come true
 
And to be honest,
I don’t know if it was one of your friendship bracelets
but it gave me the power to see
 
All the corners you were forced in
where lion cubs learn to quieten their ferocity
where I can scream, “she’s yours no longer”
to all those circus tents
they force little girls to conform under
 
Cause I am not barren of a choice
and I choose you
a million and one times over
I choose the girl who unmuzzled
the woman’s voice
 
All thanks to that tug on my sleeve
which gave me something
I need more of
and I’ve done enough maturing
to realize
that I hope to stay as young as you
when I grow up
 
Cause my little love,
I think I’m finally big enough to understand
that to truly love oneself and the world
is to be as beautifully small as you again.

In the street she hangs a halo that illuminates and captivates, but in reality there is chaos behind her veil.

For you see, behind her veil lies a lifetime of perpetual betrayal.

Betrayal that demands intergenerational portrayal, trajecting innocence and joy into a looming realm.

In the street, She clings to Her vail, fighting to inhale glimmers of hope behind her eclipsing veil.

For you see, behind Her vail is an inherited lifetime of perpetual war.

A war that demands an election, to estrange akin to unveil intergenerational strain.

In the street She illuminates despite Her reality. Behind Her vail, there is chaos in her realm.

To my inner child I say: My dear, She hangs onto Her armor of vail, for you see, your election will prevail against her veil. Love you always, signed- Veil of Vails.

The way that love feels reminds me of the peaceful song of birds chirping on a Sunday morning. It is as gentle as the breeze created by a butterfly’s wings and as soft as rose petals. But its impact is as profound as trumpets in a marching band.

Love is the act of showing compassion, empathy, consideration, and forgiveness to others. It is more than putting Neosporin and a bandaid on their cuts and scrapes. Love is helping someone heal the wounds that you cannot see. It is giving them comfort and support on their walk through the Valley of the Shadow of Death the same way that you do at their award ceremony.

Having the capacity to understand these constructs is what makes you extraordinary. The ambiance that you create allows others to be their authentic selves without the fear of judgment. You take the time to get to know them and you accept them for everything that they are. In the process, you do your best to accommodate their wants and needs, even if that means sacrificing your own. Your love is so genuine that you do this in silence hoping that they know how much you adore them. In fact, you love so deeply that you feel the need to protect your loved ones from everything, even yourself.

That is why you are more valuable than the last golden ticket. Even during your darkest moments, you are a source of light for the people around you. Having the ability to save others while also saving yourself is the most beautiful gift that God can give a person. I know that at times it feels like a curse but that could not be further from the truth. It is your superpower.

Having a purpose bigger than yourself is not easy. If it was, everyone would be a superhero. I know that there are times when you want to give up because your heart hurts. Sometimes you just want to disappear because you feel like no one sees you. All that you want is for someone to show you the love that you give so freely. When they do not, you find yourself crying quietly in the middle of the night because you do not understand why you are not enough. But you are.

You are not the problem. Love is never supposed to feel like a game of tug-a-war. It is a gift exchange. The currency that is spent on the gift is reciprocation. People can only love you as much as they love themselves. We cannot spend money that we do not have and that is okay.

When someone does not show you the same love that you show them, try not to get upset. Instead, pray that they learn how to love themselves more and remember the first rule of gift exchanges. They always have a spending requirement. If you cannot afford to spend the minimum amount required, then you are not allowed to participate.

Denying someone access to you is not selfish. It is an important part of self-love. If you pour more into others than they pour into you, your cup will eventually be emptied. When you turn to them for a refill, they will not be able to quench your thirst. This will result in you feeling drained and forgetting who you are.

I cannot promise you that it will be easy. I cannot promise that you won’t fall sometimes. But I can promise to always pick you back up. When you feel unloved and abandoned, I will be your mirror. I will shine your light back to you and remind you who you are. You are a beautiful blessing to this world. You deserve to be loved, respected and cared for. You deserve everything that your soul desires and more.

When you feel like no one cares, remember that I do. I see the way that you spread love everywhere that you go like the bumble bees spread pollen. I think that is amazing. I appreciate you for everything that you are. Always remember that my love for you is more abundant than the stars in the night sky and deeper than the Pacific Ocean. For you, my well will never run dry.

Love Always,
Your Higher Self

To my younger self.
Don’t remain suppressed.
Perplexed.
What’s next?
Hard-pressed.
Constantly stressed.
Life’s a mess.
Nevertheless.
Let out my younger self.
Emotionally flex.
Don’t compete complement.
Out loud in text.
No’s and yes.
Dirty and fresh.
Poor and blessed.
Let out my younger self
Don’t remain suppressed.

Title: Ignorance is Bliss

“Ignorance is bliss”. That’s a term I learned back in high school, but I never fully understood its meaning.
How can uncertainty ever have a positive connotation to it?
Looking back at my childhood, it hits me. Ignorance was the innocence and the optimism I would now deem as arrogance, making it all so blissful.
I would do anything to have that level of arrogance again without the anxiety or rage constantly looming over me as it does today.
Before all of the abuse, heartbreaks, and self-deprecation, there lies a child so full of life that death itself is nothing but a mere shadow.
Everything had beauty and the world was a plaster of saturated colors on a canvas.
Making friends was almost second nature to me even the convenience store owner just down the street was also a friend and I never used to fear strolling down the bustling streets compared to today; where simply walking across the street puts a lump in my throat because stalking, harassment and the fear of men is the new reality I live in.
Birthdays were fiestas where nearly the entire town would celebrate along with us. Compared to now, I wouldn’t even know who to invite because my circle of friends deviated into a table for two. and weekends spent by the river or playing with the neighborhood kids have transformed into errands and second jobs.
Most of all, I miss the ignorance. The unbothered boosts of energy that once enabled me to run barefoot through tall grass without the fear of snakes, climb trees without the fear of falling, dance without the fear of judgments, and declare my love without the fear of heartbreaks.
Regardless of the unforgiving new circumstances, I’ve developed a resilience that protects the innocence of the child that lies within and I know still exists.
She is kind, generous, and playful though coated with trauma, rage, and maturity that ironically protects it.

By: Simone Coleman July 10, 2024

Dear little me (Simone),
How I praise you, with many thanks that you are my precious inner child. I thank you, how despite that my physical childhood days are over, I can still enjoy adolescent things in my adulthood as well. Honestly, who said that grown-ups hate to have fun? I’m all grown up, and I don’t hate to have fun and I never will all thanks to you, inmost heart & soul. I especially love and cherish you for being the source of my active imagination. Not to mention my immortality fandom for all my favorite cartoon shows growing up. Such as all things Disney, Danny Phantom, Dr. Seuss and even Sanrio; Hello Kitty & Friends.

I cannot believe how paranoid I used to be, as I was still processing through puberty and letting other’s disapproval get the better of me. Remember, when our folks used to lecture us, back when we were 13 yrs. old, about still watching cartoons being “immature”? They used to think that we were watching cartoons so much, that we were not focusing enough on reality, they were wrong anyway. It was even hard to have a good laugh, without our expounding Aunt yelling at us to “Stop clowning!” Let us face it, our endless love for cartoons, from the laughs, and exciting adventures the intriguing characters would have in their stories, have always helped us cope through our depression. The comedy and hilarious nonsense would bring us the best medicine to drink in, laughter.

While reality has often brought us down, and made us feel so lonely in the universe, cartoons have never done that. We both must agree how our active imagination was always our source to “Getting away from it all.” Not to mention how we could often relate to the many figments in our favorite tales, where we felt more welcomed in their fictional world than in our world of corporeality. Furthermore, thanks to our curious, abnormal wonders to the creators of the stories we have known and love, we have soon gained the potential skills to be creative ourselves through literacy and drawing. In conclusion, which is why with these talents we have inherited through our growth and passion for fiction, fun and adventure, grown up me (Simone), plans to spread joy to the children of this generation and the next, with our endless optimism ways, and creativity.

Overall, I wish to also inspire the children and even the young adults of today that fun, love of pop culture, or cherishing childhood memories never had to depart our lives, just because we’ve got responsibilities now. Let us not also forget how even in the bible God says “Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.” (Matthew 18:1-3). There is also that to consider, with remaining a child at heart. Let us both remember that growing up (old) physically is mandatory, but remaining young inside is optional.

Accompanied with deep gratitude.
Yours truly, Simone (fully-fledge you).