Tears rolled down my face as I realized for the first time that I had to take accountability for the parts I played in the heartache, grief and disappointment I had experienced in my life.

For the ones I loved, I had always been willing to show up at the drop of a dime. Even overlook my self to be of service to others and when it wasn’t reciprocated it devastated me. Often I wondered why I wasn’t good enough to be treated as I had treated others? Why was my passion for people draining me? Why wasn’t I valued as I valued others? As these thoughts plagued my mind; I had never felt fulfilled but yet I still gave of myself; even if it was just fumes of hope and perseverance.

As I lay one morning, spiritually empty and struggling to understand the purpose for my life and the unbalanced return of my goodness. I heard a faint laugh followed by a voice that questioned me. “Do you know why you continue to be disappointed by (hu)man?” I sat clueless, speechless and puzzled and God answered, “Because you put your expectations in everyone except me!” The realization had smacked me dead in the face! I had totally disregarded God by not trusting HIM to be whom he said HE IS, HAS BEEN AND WILL BE! I hadn’t leaned on him, yet I had expected from others, what I needed; not what they were able or capable to give. Neither had I took the time to see if they were knowledgeable of how to give it.

For example, when I needed and wanted love; I picked and set upon individuals my expectations on how, when, where and what I wanted that love to look like. I was completely unaware or either I totally disregarded if they even knew how to love; what love was; when to show it or express it.

God showed me in that moment that I had put more faith in his creation than HIM, THE CREATOR. How crazy was I to do that? I had been putting him last to depend on, consult with and follow. I had unconsciously considered (hu)man to be more fulfilling to me than God and that’s why I had felt so empty.

From that day I stepped out the way and asked God to be God! I have never put a human before him again. I trust him with all of me and every aspect of my life. And in return he has granted me some of my greatest desires and the greatest of them all is MY PEACE. It wasn’t until I begin to trust him did I discover it had laid dormant in me the entire time, I just had to release it.

We often live our lives with expectations someone else set for us.
“Do you have children?”
“What do you do for work?”
“Are you married?”
Overly asked common questions.
When responded with “no,” it’s met with judgment as those tools are what we use to commonly measure the success of a person.
“Are you happy?”
A question that is rare but important.
I found joy within myself when I stopped following what was expected of me and began living for what made my soul shine.
Expressing my creative side
That’s why I exist
I don’t believe in guilty pleasures
Why should I feel ashamed for what brings me a glimmer of glee?
When I die I don’t want to be remembered as an individual who was stuck in a pattern of endless misery
I want to be remembered as the peculiar girl who lived life blissfully
I get one life and I don’t plan to waste it by living it in a way that isn’t true to who I am

“People seldom do what they believe in. They do what is convenient, then repent.”- Bob Dylan

Cold, antiseptic air crushes down upon my chest
as barely padded steel pushes back from the other side,
effectively pinning my teenage body to a table
in a darkened room I don’t want to be in.
A heartbeat pounds in my ears— too fast
to be mine, yet instantly mine.
I watch the screen flutter with blurred vision,
regret for what I was there to do soaking my shamed face,
igniting a fierce protectiveness older than time.
My mind reaches outward to thank God
for orchestrating my enlightenment
and the pressure dissipates, replaced by determination that’s both weightless and dense.
Visions of my future shift faster than high-frequency sound images freeze and unfreeze,
their light searing fate’s Morse code into my consciousness
and I know with absolute certainty that any plans I had dreamt up
before this moment were imagined for an alternate self—
one who wasn’t yet strong enough to tackle life for two.

Dear Grandma,

She believed she could, so she did.

I remember the palm-sized wall art of this quote you gifted me and its journey. Lost years ago, as we were cleaning out your house, it lives now only in my mind. My thoughts can easily travel back to when you gave it to me.

Back in time, a knock sounded at my door as I decorated my desk with crystals and a photograph of my boyfriend and me.

“Someone’s here to see you,” the office manager told me.

As I turned toward the door, I saw you in a bright blue pantsuit that matched your vibrant personality.

“Grandma!” I exclaimed. “What are you doing here?”

I recall your embrace and wish I could return to that hug.

You stepped back, examining me. “I heard you started working here and saw this little sign. It reminded me of you, and I thought it could inspire you on your desk.”

Reading the sign aloud, “She believed she could, so she did,” I couldn’t help but reflect on my career aspirations. I always had different plans for my life than answering phones at a plumbing company. It’s essential work but not the path I’d always wanted to take.

On this day, your kind eyes had a hint of sadness beneath them. You’d just lost the love of your life: your husband and my Papa. After his passing, all of our smiles contained a tinge of sadness. The love among us all was magic, but the magic had lost some spark.

When you love big, you lose big.

As this memory fades, I transport myself to the next part of the sign’s journey. I wish I had asked you to stay for a moment longer.

I was walking into your hospital room, which had become your new home after brain surgery.

Hoping you would remember me that day, I reached for your hands as I sat before you.

“Hi, Grandma,” I said in a gentle tone. “I brought you something.” Pulling the sign out from my back, I displayed it for you.

She believed she could, so she did.

I placed the art on the ledge below your window. “Do you remember when you gave me this sign when I started a new job? I think you need it more now. Maybe if you see it by your window every day, it will help.”

I’ll never know if the sign helped you, but the dreamer in me hopes it brought you peace.

I hope it reminded you of the enduring love you and Papa created. You both made a legacy that will continue past your deaths. You brought love and unbreakable bonds into the world, which is magic in a time of such division.

They say we take nothing when we pass, but I don’t think the sentiment is always true.
Sometimes, we take a little piece of the hearts of those we left behind.

As we celebrate holidays without you now, I know our hearts are emptier than before. We attempted to fill the void when we chose our favorite belongings from your house to put in our homes. Books to sit on our shelves, decorations to live on our mantles, and Christmas ribbon to decorate our trees. These shared memories and belongings connect us, even in your absence.

We all think of you as we decorate our trees with your Christmas ornaments. The endless love you gave us stamped our hearts like a tattoo, and your signature phrases have become our own.

We’ll teach our kids what you taught all of us.

“Stick together.”

“Love each other through anything – through everything.”

We’ll all fill our children’s and grandchildren’s hearts like you filled ours.

It’s our job now to continue the magic you created and reignite the spark.

We’ll do it because we believe we can, and we believe we should.

I like to think you were greeted by Papa and your dad when you fell asleep for the last time.

When I take my last breath, I hope you greet me.

I’ll smile and tell you: “Grandma, I believed I could, so I did.”

Love,
Rachael

Dear Unsealers,

Life has an interesting way of getting us from one place to another. Often times to get from one place to another it can sometimes require walking through something difficult. That is exactly what I am wanting to share with you.

I remember being young and realizing I wanted to go into a specific profession. I dedicated my life to achieving this goal. I started going to college and volunteering with this organization. Every decision I made was geared towards working at this organization. It became my life. I began surrounding myself around the people that worked and volunteered with. I slowly began working more and more hours there. This organization became my world. It was all I could see.

As 2020 hit I was considered an essential worker so I worked through the pandemic. The type of work I did I was constantly on call and would often take my work home with me never really having separation between my personal and work life it was all so entangled. This was the year I finally graduated and was offered a position at this organization. After all those years of hard work I finally was living my dream. This was the last position I was going to have. Well that’s at least what I thought…

In 2021 I was sexually assaulted by a coworker in my home. I knew I had to come forward because I found out it happened to someone else. Upon coming forward I lost my dream position due to a decision I made out of fear that it would happen again. I was open about what I had done but it did not matter I was removed.

I had given every ounce of my being to this job. It became my family, my social world, and what I spent doing 7 days a week. In an instance it was gone. This thing that I had spent years working towards I had in my hands and it was ripped away. I did not know what to do and tried to end my life because I felt I no longer had a purpose.

I ended up needing to move away to try and rebuild. For the longest time I felt so lost, so broken and so alone because not only did I lose my job but I lost my whole social circle. While I was in it I knew it was unhealthy but I also knew that I never would have left on my own.

Looking back now as painful as it still is I can see how blessed I am that I am out of that environment. I have been presented with so many opportunities that I never would have had.

My message for you is that if you have just been injured and can no longer play your sport, if you have lost that dream job or are experiencing any major loss… I see you…. It hurts. It may feel like you have nothing to live for but I promise you you are resilient. You matter even without that sport or that job. There is so much more to life. You may not be able to see the light but take it day by day.

I am truly grateful for where I am now and how I have the privilege everyday to speak into the lives of our youth and to encourage them. Good things can come from the darkest parts of our stories. I now know my purpose was never that job. My purpose is not about my status. My purpose in life is to show kindness and love others and that is something no one can ever take away.

You are strong, you are brave and you are loved no matter where you are in your life or what you are facing. Joy will come.

One Saturday afternoon I got this weird feeling in my gut
I felt this deafening silence and decided to look you up
Your obituary appeared before my eyes and informed me that you are now dead
But not the kind of dead where services I can go to mourn
No… the kind of dead where you’ve already been from 3 years before
Only hours after this discovery and seeing the grass on your grave has already grown
My perception of time was forever blown
Then seeing a picture of you from our wedding displayed on your tombstone
I felt like my brain broke a little like a clock losing a part
So much to process and didn’t know where to start
In addition to my already throbbing broken heart
How could this be
I just don’t understand
Not one person could tell me you no longer stand
Even after divorce we still remained friends
We argued alot but didn’t notice our friendship had an end
Now you lay here before me and my whole world has changed
I feel weak and unsteady
And nothing around me looks the same
I know it was me who insisted on that first drink
I had no idea what that would bring
I guess I didn’t think
I asked for God’s forgiveness and I feel forgiveness he has given
I meant no harm. Just wanted a fun moderate way of living
I didn’t know what was in store
where most days for you without a drink would be such a bore
I know in the end you asked for me back because the winnings mattered no more
But by then I belonged to someone else and your drinking to me just sounded like a chore
But I go back to Burritos in bed
You playing frank sinatra before I lay down my head
You hit those lucky numbers and your bank account grew
The ups and downs in store for us we didn’t have a clue
I couldn’t keep up with your excitement for life
I thought it was enough just being your wife
I was there before your big bang
I was there before your bell rang
I felt like you left me choking on your dust
I felt so depressed, fat and alone that change for me became a must
I look up a lot and talk to the sky
I’m learning how to listen and am getting answers to my why’s
Your death saved my life
In heaven I’ll always be your wife
When I hear frank sinatra and purple rain
Memories of you dance around in my brain
My darling husband in heaven it was a heck of a ride
Thanks for hitting my feet with your tide

Dear Unsealers,

When I was married, my ex-wife and I fought a lot.

We were married for eight years, together for thirteen.

You would think we would learn to get along by then.

We tried couples therapy for almost three years, to no avail.

It came to me one day.

I never felt right with her.

I never felt as if I could tell her anything.

I hid a lot of my life from her.

She read me her journal entries.

I kept mine under lock and key.

Something inside of me told me not to trust her.

And it came to me:

I never felt like she was home to me.

I always felt out of place.

As if I weren’t welcome in her heart.

Because I never let her inside mine.

I left her the next day, for good.

I walked away from thirteen years of misery – emotional homelessness and destitution.

I could not, in my heart and soul, stay with her another day.

I thought that was the turning point of my life.

When I found a new place to live in, I felt the same.

I had not found home, even back with my family of origin.

My dad reluctantly welcomed me and threatened to kick me out several times.

I felt unwanted there, too.

When he died, I found relief.

But I still had not found home.

I was still with my loving mother, who said I always had a home with her.

She meant a domicile, not a true home.

I don’t think I knew what a home was, yet I was still trying to find it.

I searched far and wide.

I drove everywhere, speaking with the locals.

I formed tight friendships locally, sharing our lives together.

Where was home?

I still hadn’t found it.

It was not under a roof.

It was not with loved ones either.

I searched outside of myself my entire life – for four decades.

It was time that I looked for home from within.

I found that my home was bare.

I went to building and decorating.

I built on the foundation of my values – creativity, compassion, camaraderie.

I created routines that kept the home functioning.

I cleaned up the cobwebs in my mind by journaling, meditating, and reflecting.

I nurtured my interests – art, writing, mental health advocacy – and that garden flourished.

I secured my boundaries and exercised caution with whom I let inside my home.

After all this work, I realized I had only scratched the surface.

There is a lot of upkeep required.

Constant home improvement projects.

Weeding out the structures and objects that do not suit me.

Slowing down occasionally so I don’t burn out.

Making time for fun.

The work never ends, but it’s worth my time and attention.

It is my home.

I am home.

A quote I live by,
Is no one has a heart like mine.
Because no two people can share the same heart.
It’s different for many different reasons,
I see good In places where others find trash,
But difference isn’t supposed to be bad.
However in a life where different has turned to redundancy and rebellion
Existing can be very lonely and sad,
For those who understand this,
I know you’ve been told you’re hearts different.
And to be different can be the biggest blessing and curse for humanity
And it’s a hard lesson to learn
That no matter how hard I kick or scream
they’ll still choose not to love me.
Branding me obsessive for a simple ability
To feel with all of me,
yet sometimes choose to act calously in an act of feral fear and self preservation
I give people my all
living life like an open book
until they choose to hurt me,
Because we’re different,
I gave them my heart
Trusted them
Told them my traumas
There was no confusion on my end,
But they chose to misunderstand,
And label me the problem.
As they pranced that heart to sand
And they danced to the sound of that heart sliding through my hands
When I begged them,
To just give me a chance.
I’d never do that,
Especially to someone I called my friend.
So I’m just left with the realization that my hearts different again

Broken…. again…

But trying to mend.

Establishing good friendships will take you far in life. Maybe places you haven’t thought of. More times than not, they’re good to have, which starts with you.

Having good people in your life requires you to be the same kind of person. A person that cares, a person that’s genuine, that person that’s supportive, and also a good friend requires honesty(just to name a few).

Just being there for someone is a great way to help build a friendship. And being good to them while you’re there is even better. Listening, hearing them out and allowing them to vent to you. Not being so critical of judgmental, but open and honest with them about the things that may come. Everyone needs love and support in life and friends are good to have for such things.

Big things doesn’t always have to be done in life and especially friendships, but the little things are a lot of times all we need. The little things say so much in a friendship. They can show support, love, and even acceptance. Whether it’s giving that person advice, inviting that person to an event, or just checking on them and seeing how they’re doing. Reminding them that they’re valuable. That can go a long way for a friendship.

So remember what it takes to be a good person and to be a good friend. Remember that others have feelings and lives as well, not just you. And remember the value of a good friend, so that you can be of good value yourself.

金甲虫,
looking up at the billboard,
overwhelming dread looms over,
i don’t know how to become you,
the face i see of me in the future,
he tells himself it’s worth changing for,
he tells himself it’s worth breaking for,
he tells himself it’s worth being alone for,
he tell himself it’s worth his skin.

wolf in sheep skin- the little voice in your head is not a friend,
nor does it always understand you,
nor does it care to,
so treat it like someone you care about if you want to be treated with care in return,
learn how to take care or your mind,
learn how to take care of your body,
learn how to take care of your spirit,
the harmony is you; the alignment is what makes you more than material,
the wholeness is what makes you well,
so long as you allow yourself to be whole.

‘nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished’- laozi

A life of harm done. Or so I thought.
Trauma responses from my caretakers. Fear, abandonment, deep rooted pain and dysfunction going on within my entire immediate family. I wasn’t the only one – I was just the youngest one.
Life became confusing to me, and the cycle of drugs, domestic violence & poverty kept creeping back into my life going up until my mid 20’s.
I could name a lot of different times where my life was at crossroads, and all sorts of different choices that probably changed my life, as well as major life events and losses that have occurred. Majorly, the sudden loss of my brother in September of 2020 from a drinking & driving accident.
But that wouldn’t be enough. See, it wasn’t just one turning point for me. I have been on a continual spiritual journey since November of 2010. Accepting treatment and entering the journey of healing from PTSD and substance abuse was a pivotal moment in my life for sure.
Once I released and faced all the truths about myself, confronted myself in the mirror, and walked through my past traumas with the support of all my Angels and my network here on Earth – suddenly, things started slowly shifting. Not instantly, but things got better for me. Monetary things returned. My faith returned, and my life started getting better. I’ve had a few bumps & falls but am blessed to say I got right back up.
I always thought I was a victim. I now know that I am a survivor. This mentality has majorly changed me for the better. It’s not to downplay anyone’s trauma, but to be able to say you walked away from it and are still alive to tell the story, is an inspiration to mass amounts of people still silently suffering. There is also an inner freedom found in it that I did not know existed.
Taking the time to sit with myself, go for walks, color pictures & enjoy being in the present moment. Laughing, dancing – just like a kid. I’m giving new childhood memories back to myself. I can hold on to the good memories that I have & do my best to mourn the bad. I now know what self-love is. I’m giving that back as well, and I’m giving it to my children, and any other kids that may cross my path. These are all gifts that cannot fully be explained. But certainly, all turning points in which I have chosen to walk along the paths that lead me to happiness.
I Now hold my head and shoulders up higher when I look and speak with people.
I speak up for myself, and my loved ones.
I show gratitude, kindness and respect to Mother Nature, my High Power and thank the Universe for continuously showing me that I have a purpose here on this planet. Even if others don’t see it yet.
I suppose in hindsight as I sit here in this present moment overlooking the Great South Bay of Long Island – my true Turning Point was finding ME.

Love Always,

Dear Unsealers,

“Fake it until you make it.”

I think this motto is disingenuous to the human experience. Here is a modified version which I live by:

“Do until you become.”

Why do I prefer this motto over faking it?

The first motto implies that you are trying to be something you are not.

My preferred motto sounds as if you are stepping into a suit that is custom-tailored for you.

This motto saved my life recently. For months, I had been suffering from severe depression.

I was even admitted to the psych hospital for two weeks.

One day, I decided that this was the last straw. I could not keep living like this –

Experiencing no joy in activities I normally love.

Having trouble getting started on tasks.

Constantly worrying about money.

Hurting myself because I hated myself.

Thinking many times a day about ending my life.

Feeling hopeless that nothing in my life would change.

I thought about everything wrong in my life.

Then I discovered a self-care app that changed my life.

At the risk of sounding like free advertising, l will not reveal the app’s name.

This app helped me develop coping skills.

It kept track of my goals and special projects.

It built my support system.

It made me stay busy so depression would leave my mind.

It gave me motivation and strengthened my will to live.

I’m not going to say that this app worked right away. That, too, would be disingenuous.

It took a few weeks of using the app to feel euthymic again.

Tranquil and stable instead of highly anxious and severely depressive.

My head is now filled with positive affirmations.

When I have a negative thought, I ask myself “Is this thought helpful to me right now?”

If the thought suits me, I do something about it.

If it does not help me, I table the thought until I can take action, or I let it go and replace it with a positive thought.

“Do until you become” almost always involves a slow burn, but it is effective when I work at whatever change I desire.

It can help you, too. It may take weeks or months to see results. Be patient. You will find the outcome you need.