I know it wasn’t easy getting through those sleepless nights
When the words he said stuck in your head cut through you like a knife
Stuck in the bottom of the bottle of a nowhere town bar
You said “I can’t carry on” but you stayed strong now look at where we are
You thought his hands had stained you, the wounds were far too deep
Too caught in the flame “i’ll never be the same” your soul was his to keep
You kept your head up high as your world burned to the ground
Through all the pain you broke the chains until freedom was found
But even once the smoke had cleared you still couldn’t quite breathe
The days were hard dealing with scars that no one else could see
When I think back on those days now my heart fills with pride
That you stayed strong and carried on and for it we survived
I’m grateful I walked through the fire though I wanted to run
So thank you, me, for making me the woman I’ve become.

Dear Little Kendy,
Has Mom come home yet? I can feel your anticipation waiting for a friendly face to enter through the front door. She works hard day and night for your well-being, yet that feeling of emptiness lingers. You crave to be in the presence of another human; you always appreciate the intimacy of a lively conversation. I remember it as if it were yesterday, but for you, it’s now. Waking up in an empty house was always a struggle. Breakfast for one. Playing with our toys was a satisfying pastime. In those isolated moments, Barbie, Pinkie Pie, and our hundreds of Littlest Pet Shop figurines comforted me. After traveling the world, creating new friends, and becoming a fashion icon with my “Gal Pals,” I’d turn to television for new excitement. It was always “Friends.” Chandler, Monica, Rachel, Phoebe, and Ross! The gang’s all here! While giggling at Monica’s head stuck in a turkey, I heard her keys jingle. Mom opened the door and sighed. “Friends again?” she spoke. Little did she know I rewatched the same show over and over again because I admired the character’s willingness to spend as much time with each other as humanly possible. Episode after episode, I felt included in their world. Mom and I had our usual little routine. I yap her ear off and she engages as best as she can. I loved our time together, but soon I’d have to close my eyes and be alone all over again. I did everything in my power to escape the endless loop of alone time. Hanging out with our neighbors, who I barely enjoyed spending time with, as a means of escaping my impending solitude. Throughout middle school, I intended to establish connections with as many people as I could, so I’d never have to be alone again. Just know, you do just that. You will meet some of the most kindhearted and compassionate individuals in your life, most of which I am still friends with today! We became close instantly, making it even easier for me to become attached. After getting my first “real” phone, we talked all the time. Late-night Roblox sessions, gossiping about the cutest boys in our grade, or weekly trips to Galleria Mall were times I looked forward to. I remember those school days filled with unforgettable moments, and how I’d rush home to dive straight into voice chat with friends. My routine drastically changed and my alone time ceased to exist. My high school experience was just the same. If someone was throwing a party, I was there. If a friend wanted to grab food, I was there. “Want to come to my dentist’s appointment?” “Absolutely!” I found myself leaving for school at 5 am, going to work until 9 pm, and then staying out until midnight. I graduated high school in May of last year. Everything I had known, changed. I started picking up shifts at work to make up for the lack of school interaction. From June 2023 to May 2024, I went out almost every day. With time, I realized I was pushing myself far beyond my limits. I grew tired and rarely took a second to check in with myself. At the beginning of this summer, I had very few plans, my friends got jobs or boyfriends, and I was alone once again. I cried endlessly. Why was I unable to be alone? Didn’t most people find peace in solitude? I began watching TikToks about self-improvement and emotional regulation. Everyone always said the same thing. “Journaling changed my life.” Initially, I thought those people were naive, but it turns out the only naivety present came from me. I bought an aesthetically pleasing journal, those fancy ballpoint pens, and set an intention for myself. Page 1 of my journal reads, “Contentment.” Journaling quickly became my healthy attachment. I opened up about my thoughts and experiences, reflected, and came to the conclusion I was relying on others for abundance. I am rereading my 2024 affirmations while writing you this letter. On a charcoal-colored page, adorned with constellations and a bouquet, it reads, “I create my own happiness” in my semi-cursive handwriting. Over the summer, I worked hard towards self-improvement and engaged in solo activities including crosswords, building Legos, and practicing Pilates. Now, I am whole and look forward to coming home and experiencing new moments with myself. Overcoming my fear of being alone was a transformative journey where I realized solitude doesn’t equal loneliness, but rather becomes a sanctuary for growth and discovering contentment.
Xoxo,
Twenty-Something Kendy

dearest me
By: Jim Kellogg
(The Queer Poet)
10-17-24

dearest me

thank you for…
showing me compassion and clarity
the gifts of understanding and patience
aiding me to uncover
the dirty little secrets
assisting me to repair the anguish
(defying language and raising philosophical questions)
showing kindly regard to my little boy blue –
my damaged and bewildered little soul –
helping me to move on by

your generosity of unconditional love –
a bottomless well –
has moved me to hug
the willow branches of sorrow
has empowered me to express
pride in holding my head up high
has given me bravery to stand-up
to be heard
to be counted
to be understood

because of you and
your captivating power
i have pulled the sharp and jagged knife
from my hemorrhaging heart
i have extinguished the blazing fire
ending the seemingly terminal pain of…
humiliating shame and
prosecuted guilt
i have reclaimed my glorious worth
gracefully facing the storms of life

with love,
me

It was my seventh birthday. The air was stale even at 10 a.m., as it was on most late August days. An echoing hard knock on the forest green-colored door that guarded our house on Grace Ave alarmed me. Even though I was only seven (hours into the age), the knock raised an alert in my stomach that made it drop many stories. Two officers, one holding papers, spoke to my mother as I stood in the doorway, shielding behind her legs. Both officers entered our house, took our furniture, and started throwing it outside. My mother told me to pack my bag with my essentials, which were at the time my favorite blanket, and my Batman action figures. I remember the bass
in my mother’s voice as she begged the men not to take away our home. I remember the bright
eyes of each of our neighbors as they watched from their kitchen windows. I remember the
sound of broken glass as each of the dishes and mugs that once filled our kitchen and served us
dinner every night hit the concrete ground right at the curb of our street. But what I remember most is watching the brand new set of bunkbeds that were an early birthday present being hauled away. I begged for bunkbeds for years to accommodate my friends for sleepovers, but as quickly as my wish was granted after blowing out the candle of last year’s cake, my brand new bed was being tossed into the trash. The sequence of events was blurry after that, as my mother and I
bounced around for years and couch-surfed in many friends’ living rooms. In each new apartment we had, I was hesitant about unpacking my items and often kept them in boxes to not get too comfortable. Even as the years went by and I had my apartments with roommates or current significant others, I refrained from mixing my kitchenware or knick-knacks with theirs because the idea of being vulnerable in my own home was foreign. In one relationship, we combined our books on a bookshelf (in alphabetical order of author’s last name), which fit perfectly into the
space. After a nasty breakup, I came home from work, and the bookshelf was half empty, and my books were the only thing left that was standing in that relationship. My heart went back to my old house on Grace Ave as my body was standing in its same form just a decade later. But this time, instead of feeling empty and without shelter, I reminded myself that it was healthy to let myself be vulnerable and trust another space and another person, as it took me many years to do so. I also realized that I even trust myself. Yes, the books were gone along with some furniture out of our shared apartment, but I still had shelter. I will be okay.

However, to this day, I still crave having bunkbeds even as an adult.

Hey Leroy, YOU’RE AMAZING, the past few years has kicked your teeth in, you received COVID in a single year, your father passed, friends left you and all you can say is THANK YOU JESUS, the year wasn’t easy, but YOU KNEW in your heart your family needed you, Now as you write this your Mom is recovering from Leukemia and you feel defeated, BUT YOUR NOT, you sat through Hurricane Helena in a single wide mobile home and GOD PROVIDED, it’s easy to quit, BUT YOU HAVEN’T, your car blew up, you feel defeated, yet God makes a way, Your clown ministry made the cover of a Magazine.NO MATTER what you go through, your doing AWESOME, keep up the great work YOUR AMAZING

love is a cruel thing.
healthy or not, it was better than to not feel,
life can be funny that way,
how you could keep coming back after leaving,
now again i see you inching towards me,
you will extend your hand in an attempt to reach mine,
“help me”,
i whisper, “no”.

i gave myself to “friends”
who took and took,
connected as if i meant to resuscitate,
as if i owed them the weight of my own breath.

without a roof over my head, a vagrant in the streets of baltimore,
home was memory,
i lost everything i had trying to give you something you never deserved,
trying to take on your burdens like they were my own,
but the water my body belongs to has taught me an invaluable lesson,
i can float alone.

so i chose to swim,
i chose to build,
brick by brick, dollar by dollar,
the last time i had extended myself,
i took my hand,
homeless was my turning point
i’m the one who deserves my love,

but plan to live well,
to have more than i ever wanted to have, knowing now how i deserve it all,
if only in my mind i am far away,
i’ll decide my ending.

I have the keys to the lock of your house,
I’m having a drink in your kitchen,
I sip comfortably in my alone time,
I hear you enter,
I enter too.

I’m in the dark of your bedroom,
I’m the thing under your bed,
I’m the towel in your bathroom,
I’m the one who drinks your blood.

I’m the one who follows you,
I’m the reason it feels cold in your home,
I’m the reason you feel like you’re being watched,
I’m the reason you feel insecure,

I’m begging you to notice me.

I understood you to be my security. I understood that you wanted me. I understood that life without me was void of all possibilities. You said you loved me, unlike others. When you gave me visions for the future, you helped me see all your potential. I knew what was normal for me was not normal for others, yet I did not understand why. When the negatives came, I knew it to be my fault, for I had no other knowledge. I questioned how I could have made this happen. My perfection was not good enough to deliver the future you desired. Upon realizing what the future had to hold with my marred life, you tossed me aside.

Disfigured in disgrace, I got up again and was ready to move forward when blow after blow you knocked me down. Again, I realize my responsibility in not delivering your future to you. I look at my open hands and wonder why did God make perfection with a flaw. Perhaps you did, perhaps I did. You made something so perfect on the outside, but when you look into the center, everyone can see the imperfections, the damage, the hole.

What is left to do from here? The flaw is unmendable. It is now a part of the perfection you created, and like a crack in a windshield, the shattering is starting to spread across the entirety of the being of who I am. I wonder if others can now see the flaw in my perfection, as I can no longer hide the shattering. I should have been able to stop the disfiguring. I should have been able to be strong enough to stop the shattering. I should have been able to be more, but alas, the flaw has overcome me, and all that is left is a disgraced life. Others will be affected by the flaw, not the perfection. Others will have to see the weakness instead of the strength. Others will see a future so twisted by the past that they have to look away. Thank you for my flaw. We shall live together in harmony forever.

We fix things because we cannot part with them.
We sew. We stitch. We glue. We nail.
We part with things we cannot repair.
We toss away. We grind up. We wash away.
But some things never go away.
We hurt. We love. We grow.
Some things have a bind greater than can be discarded.
Some things we question our motives in keeping.
Some things we question are the desire to part with.
Some things we cannot live without.
We go through life collecting and discarding as if we own the world.
And we go through life collecting and discarding hope, love, and growth.
I loved you even after the moment you left.
I still hope that you will always take space in my thoughts.
I grow from every moment you give me on this earth.
I will repair from the experiences.
I will sew a patch on my heart.
I will stitch all the bad memories closed.
I will glue together the spaces where anger lies deep.
I will nail closed the door so that others can no longer see them.
And after the repair, I won’t hurt anymore. I won’t hurt others anymore.
I will grow and allow others to gain from me.
And I will love those you put in my life that I have shunned because of the hurt.
I will repair what has been tossed away.
I will love them without barriers so they may learn to love without barriers.
Together, we will repair this family so younger generations keep love in their hearts.