A place that truly had a meaningful impact on me and changed my life. I call it the Bowel Chapel. It was inside of a hospital where I worked. I entered it many time on my breaks, to relax and say a little prayer. Little did I know that someday, that it would leave a stain on my heart.

Before I began my horrific head-on collision with breast cancer, I was one of those nosey patients who didn’t want to wait until my MD gave me the results. I wanted to know now, not later. They are my results, why should I wait. No one will ever understand, until they go through it. The worst part of having cancer is waiting on those first results. The life that you knew, is ovcr. You’re in limbo. You can’t plan, you can no longer laugh and have fun, because you’re not sure how long it will.

One day at work I said to myself, it time. It’s time to find out for sure. I went to my computer to begin my search. I was on a mission. I was aware of the time limit it would take to obtain the results. Once I located them, I immediately wished that I hadn’t. Yet here I am, “I really have cancer”, now what? I totally froze. It was like a dream and I was going to wake up any minute now. This can’t be real. I began screaming inside, why God, why? Why would you do this to me? I depended on you. Through all the prayers that I had obliged you with previous these results. How could you let this happen?

I got up from my chair in a daze and began walking away from my desk, not knowing where I was going. I could hear voices around me, but yet I didn’t. I just knew I didn’t want to be around anyone . I needed to go somewhere to be angry, to hurt, cry and cuss God out loud and I wanted to do it alone. I landed on the first floor, not even remembering taking the elevator down. I kept walking with my head downward, not wanting to have eye contact with anyone. Didn’t want to have to fake a smile nor a greeting, nor did I want to receive one, because it wouldn’t be genuine. Why would it? God has not been genuine. He has totally let me down.

I got even angrier when I spoke of God. Were you not listening during my prayers? Are you truly there? Am I not your child? All of these years, I thought that you were the one thing I could depend on. That’s what I thought. Yes, I had my own personal relationship with God. Now, I’m not sure if he’s even real. How could he? I’m in a stage of hopelessness! As I was walking, I stopped for a moment to seek a bathroom or to find a way to exit the building so that I could go and cry out loud, shed all the tears I could in a hide-away place. I needed to let out the hurt.

As I began to seek an exit, I noticed that I had landed in front of the Bowels Chapel. Why, who knows? I definitely wasn’t going in there. I no longer believe in such. As I began to walk away, something made me turn back towards the chapel and I entered. I was glad to see that no one else was within. I didn’t want to cry in front of anyone nor did I want their pity.

I walked all the way to the front of the chapel and sat in one of the front pews. I sat and began to cry and pray out loud, and I continue downgrading God. Making sure I let him know how I felt. How disappointed I was in him. Suddenly as I’m crying I felt a strong presence, a strange feeling, one like no other. It was as if someone was sitting next to me. I was guided to kneel to my knees, I didn’t know why, but I did it. I began to cry and pray some more, but this time the crying was much harder, but different. It was if I was crying of joy, releasing all my tears. I suddenly heard those spoken words “You will be OK, trust and believe and everything will be OK”.

It was like someone was physically near me speaking, but there wasn’t. I got up from my knees, tears dried up and I began to realize what had just happened. My faith returned. From that day forward, I didn’t have another negative feeling concerning my journey through cancer. Yes, once in a while, I owld get sad, it’s normal, but I kept hearing those words. I carried them with me throughout my journey and I knew one thing for sure, I was going to be OK. My cancer journey didn’t start with my results, it truly began in that precious place, the Bowels Chapel. I was never alone!