​I know that things are really hard right now.
I know that you think that I chose my life with drugs, shitty friends, and crazy over you.
But I want you to know that that couldn’t be further from the truth.
I want you to know that I think about you constantly. I am always finding ways to bring your name up in a story just so that I can have an excuse to talk about you. As if I needed one. I look at your pictures day and night. I marvel at how fucking perfect you are, no matter what stage you are in life. I cry for you every now and again. I had to stop letting myself do it everyday, because when I do, it’s those painful tears that come from a spot so deep below both my eye sockets and my chest that they literally ache to release. I think it’s because they come from the huge part of me that got ripped out of me when I lost you.
Life isn’t the same. Sunny days feel sad because I can’t be at the park with you. Snow is just ugly because I can’t watch you play in it. Dandelions are just weeds, because you aren’t bringing me bouquets, holding them out to me and telling me that you love me.
If I ever do slip and allow myself a second to be happy, it’s automatically replaced with guilt, because why the fuck should I be allowed to smile when you aren’t here? You three are what has made my heart whole. You gave me purpose in an otherwise worthless life. I don’t know where things went so wrong, and how I allowed myself to fail you. But I did. And I think about it every second that I’m breathing. I know it seems like I checked out, and in some ways, I have had to. Because if I allowed myself to feel the pain of losing you 100%, I know that I wouldn’t survive it. My heart would literally shatter. But if I can let you know one thing, it is this.
You may not always see it, but I promise you I will never stop fighting for you. Whether it be the court, your fathers, cps, or my own God damn brain that keeps telling me you’re better this way, I will not ever go a day without giving everything I can to be your mom again.
Because I love you with everything in me.
I love you so much that I am in physical pain when I think of how much I want to hug you.
I love you so much that I want what’s best for you, even if it isn’t me.
But I love you SO much, that I will do whatever I have to to make sure that it can be me.

My babies. My loves. I can never make up for the time we have lost.
And I will never forgive the actions taken by some that have gotten us here, not even my own. But all I ask is that you don’t give up on me, and that you dont ever for a second think that you came second to anything in my heart. Because there is nothing in this world that could ever make me see you as anything less than immaculate. Perfect. And my favorite fucking humans that have ever existed. A thousand apologies would not be enough for the absolute havoc I have allowed into our lives, and I can say as much as I want that I wish I could take it back. But the fact is that I can’t. I can wear the guilt like a crown, and I can wallow in my wrong doings, but honestly it won’t get us back together again. All I can do now, is have enough faith in my love for you. And I can keep pushing forward, regardless of whoever the fuck says I can’t. And I can’t let anyone or anything ever get in my way. Because if I was meant to do one thing in this God forsaken life, it was to be the mommy to the three most amazing, unique, hilarious, and absolutely authentic freeloaders that have ever graced this place with their presence.