Dear My Greatest Fear,

It took me a long time to write this letter. What we have is a long-term game of tug-of-war. You came into my life when I turned ten years old and that’s when the thick rope appeared. The rope of chronic-illness and constant pain wrapped around my spinal cord and flipped my world inside-out. With each sharp pain, you tug and I bend. The tugs became so strong that I needed surgical intervention. In hopes, to aid in my relief, I tugged the rope back and you bended. I took the rope and pulled with all my strength. Physical Therapy, chiropractor, lidocaine injections, exercise, acupuncture, Botox, painkillers and muscle relaxers have come part of my routine. Despite all the tugging I have done, your pull is stronger.

I’m unable to escape the pains. Wherever I go, you are right nearby, watching my every move. We’ve been living this life in parallel to one another, experiencing birthdays, holidays and special occasions. You stand in the shadows of every corner, checking on me. Making sure you can catch me in my most vulnerable state. Like a thief in the night, you steal away my joy, my hope, and my thirst for life.

Each morning, I wake up, wondering how long I have until you creep into my system. How long do I have until it pinches to breathe again? How long until the next stomach flare up? Will I be able to go to dinner without leaving in tears? Mourning, the life I never had because of you. I’m left in a state of uncertainty about my future. Each time I make progress and tug more at the rope of chronic illness, you develop more strength to pull me back. If I wanted to see changes, I had to adjust how I looked at the picture.

Using the power of spoken word, I began speaking a different perspective over my life. With the combination of therapy, mentorship and reading self-help books, I no longer viewed chronic illness as an enemy. If anything, I discovered it was more of a regulator. Each person has a limited amount of energy they can spend daily. As an individual with chronic illnesses, my day starts at a physically lower point of energy. Knowing this allows me to prioritize what I focus my attention on.

When your body doesn’t cooperate, the way you’re used to, it can be mentally taxing. It’s important to get to a place of acceptance. By me getting up after each flare up to complete my day, I consider that a tug at the rope and me winning. Every day, I find newer ways and combinations to fight off the fear of chronic pain. Every yoga pose, stretch, outfit I wear and meal I eat are all ways to combat it. Will I ever beat you? I’m not sure, but I will spend my the rest of my life dedicated to finding better relief. I will never give up because I want and expect to live a quality life with or without you.

Sincerely,

Jaymillyrock