Dear Fear,

Throughout my life, you have always been there. You were there when I was born, watched even when I was being strangled by the umbilical cord around my neck, yet I survived. You have been there when loud noises would startle me. My growing fear was that my parents would leave or become deported. I felt I would fall off from the bike as I rode it down the sidewalk, but I managed. I would fear I would have no friends at school because I was brown, and I was different, yet I had friends throughout my school years. I had feared that I would fail school because I would feel dumb all the time. Although I still dread the day that the world seeks to attack me. People can use any minor mistake or word against me. I feel dumb and stupid like I’m not worth being heard. I just don’t think I fit into this world. I dread the day my poor choices earn me condemnation, making me feel incapable of ever doing right. In a Mexican household, insecurities are often the subject of jokes, which make me feel even more foolish and mocked. There is a moment where I question, Will you be quick to judge me or understand me when I say that I’m talking to a married man? I fear I may become a home wrecker, but I didn’t want to see someone die, and suicide is not something to joke around with unless you are careful with what words you say. I don’t understand why I had talked to a married man, but let me explain. He was going through some problems. I felt like he had low self-esteem. He reminded me of myself when nobody listens to me, and so I will listen to what he had to say. I don’t know why, but his wife and her mere presence stung my aurora from the very day I encountered her. She was strangely too nice. Almost like I could tell she was not a nice person and as if she were portraying herself as someone she wasn’t. Not long do I learn she had been cheating on him with a variety of different men every single day. It angered me because I think this gives women a poor reputation or I would think it gives men an excuse to treat a woman like trash. I couldn’t understand how someone as thoughtful and caring as he could be with someone that treats him poorly. One thing to keep in mind is that this man grew up with a horrible relationship with his mother that would make him feel like he did nothing right. I learned men marry women that remind them of their mothers. It was very condescending of his wife to tell him she wanted to kill herself too, right after he had said it. Maybe I cared too much for people because even then when she said it I was upset for her, but realized it was one of her manipulative and toxic words to keep him. This married man had told me that when he married her, he knew she suffered from bipolar disorder and her mood swings rapidly and extremely change from one emotion to another. Despite loving her, he had said that he never thought it would be a problem in the future, but it appeared he was wrong. He had now decided to divorce her even before he found out from me she was cheating. It’s unfortunate that men like him who suffer from low self-esteem often start making poor choices and start depending on substance abuse as well. I realized something was off from his life, either drinking or smoking. The unfortunate thing is that once they have become tolerant, they find no other way till they succumb to death. It’s the ultimate self-deceiving many see out of the problems they have. Although, unlike me, I have touched no substance abuse. I had thoughts of ending it all. I don’t think I deserve the blessings and I feel like trash. I can never feel like I’m worth living because I fear that the world hates me. How can someone who has always received blessings fit into this chaotic world? Even when this fear of the world hating me reminds me of it every single day, I know this fear won’t win. As long as I’m alive, I keep winning every day and proving it wrong. I would even say I have won a bonus prize because saving two lives a day is worth it.

Style: 91%