UNMASKED FEAR

Dear haunted mind, muted in silence, filling in anger.

Nights were filled with nightmares as my mind fought to scream, only to produce sweat in moans and groans. Upon awakening, I pondered my paralyzed voice and its inability to scream precisely what I wanted to say. What was its cause, and where did it come from? I sought and confronted this monster with my tools gathered over the years. To confront the deep-rooted fear I believed was squatting in my being, I used meditation, reflection, acceptance, therapy, coaching, forgiveness, prayer, and all the things. The name burst from the hollow of my lungs one moonlit night during this journey. A scream so ice-clear it woke me from my sleep. M*****F*****.
The acquainted stranger only revealed its name, not its face, cause, or origin.
Could this mf be the face of my father’s volatile red anger? Or the knife of betrayal marked by the yellow fingerprints of a beloved best friend? Perhaps it was the thief in the dark night entering from the basement to steal the family stereo and sense of security. Or maybe it was the bruising rejection of not being allowed to participate in a Catholic first communion ceremony because my family is Presbyterian. In a child’s mind, this is beyond comprehension. Was I not good enough to marry Jesus? Would I need to be a saint without needing confession or forgiveness? That would be white perfection! Maybe the mf was the first hand to offer me the exhausting despair of a mind-mood-altering substance. It’s possible it was the disingenuous behavior of my children’s father who painted over me in a dismissing grey, fearing the reality of complete removal. Or could it be the father of lies who stalks and whose greatest feat is making the world believe he does not exist? Or even darker, maybe the fear is the monster within sabotaging self from being all God created me to be… a revealer of his enduring love.
The healing journey involved surrender, awareness, acceptance, trust, and a more profound forgiveness and all the things. Then, a dream in the moonlit night took me to a place in my mind where I waited for the terrorizer ascending from down within, basement-like, to the first floor of my heart. I stayed at the top as the mf climbed towards my mind. When it reached the top, with my right hand, I removed the mask, revealing a faceless emotion. The mf was not just one thing, event, or person. It was a feeling of danger, threat, and pain. The pain was my greatest fear and will undoubtedly accompany me in this lifetime, but God. And I felt its grip fading. Fear is not something I’ll get over easily or necessarily aspire to because I no longer fear the pain. I walk closer in my faith during these uncertain moments, looking for the color of the stained glass of life and my purpose. Giving thanks, I can endure for the sake of others.
“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”-Isaiah 41:10

Spirit-Fill
Melinda

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