Long Time No Feel, Fear:

I wasn’t sure of my response and/or reaction once I faced you again. Would I shyly overtly gaze while deflecting the awareness of your presence, or would I cower in my spirit as I’ve done many times before, allowing the paralyzing effects of you to make me run away and be silenced?

Writing this letter to you seems like an out-of-body experience. It’s amazing how time can heal all wounds, especially the residues that have sat in the crevices and recesses of my heart, mind, body, and soul.

For 45 years, I’ve allowed you to keep me hidden and silent about what others may say or how I look to other people. Fear, there’s no escaping the fact that you were a blanketed companion of mine that kept me safe from confusion, abuse, shame, lies, abandonment, and whatever else life has thrown at me.

I vividly remember our first real encounter on my 6th birthday with the Cabbage Patch Kids theme. Surrounded by my mama, cousins and friends, that day was to be one of the best days of my life. My dad was in his shop working, but it wasn’t any surprise to him that he wasn’t attending.

Once everyone left and Mama was cleaning up and asking did I enjoy myself, she said under the same breath that we needed to talk. Overly excited and giddy, I just knew there must’ve been more surprises that she had for me. Although, nothing could’ve topped this day in my world. She brought over a picture frame with our family photo inside that has been sitting there since I could remember.  She flipped over the frame and handed me a photo of a beautiful, small-framed woman that shared my smile and eyes.  

I looked at “mama” and she said, “I’m not your mama this is your real mama.”  Tears overflowing, I cried and apologized for being bad and talking back to her.  She smiled a little and sat beside me and said, “it has nothing to do with that. You need to know that this is your real mama.  She passed away when you were two years old.  Also, the lady at the church that you say is always looking at you with tears in her eyes is her mother so that is your grandma.”

In that moment, Fear, you remember you held me up even with everything running through my mind.  I questioned who was I?  I was inconsolable because what’s real and what’s fake if this picture has been sitting up there this entire time?  What does passed mean, is she coming back and needed a break from me?  Is my daddy my real daddy and it’s that why he’s not around me much.  My grandaddy who preaches is my dad’s father but is he even my real family?

It was so hard in that moment to grasp all I’d been told; but most of all hidden truth unveiled on my 6th birthday.  The next few days, I heard “mam” begging my dad to take me to see my real mom grave.  She said, “this will always be a special place for just you and your daddy.”  Still so many questions, exhausted from all the information in such a brief time.

Eventually, I began to decipher who was blood-kin to me and who I’m known to as their stepdaughter, step cousin, stepsister and just friends.  Once the exposure of the hidden truths, I found out that after my mom passed that I stopped talking until about aged 4 or 5 years old.  Now that I think back, you have been with me before I even knew myself.  I’m sure that’s why you’ve hung onto me so dearly as a protective mechanism that pacified me as the years trudged on.

As you well know, this year marks my 46 years around the sun and I’m feeling good. I’ve been on a spiritual journey that has allowed me to heal responsibly in every area of my life.  You can let me go now, I speak from my heart as a conqueror.  You are recognized as my shadow and a teacher; but there have been times that you have groaned louder, more insistent, and very controlling.  You are a constant reminder of what has hurt me, and it has shaped my decision-making and created procrastination within that I let go of.  You are released from hovering because I have a grasp on life and all it entails; you will no longer define my path.

Sincerely, 

My Soul’s Memo

General Styling Score: 71%