To my fears,
You’ve dictated most of my life. You emerged from my mom’s protective nature of her only child, and outside factors that snowballed your strength. I speak about you in therapy all the time. You’re a part of me I wish wasn’t so large. I’m grateful you’re there- you’ve saved me from reckless decisions. But I wish you didn’t have such a tight grip on everything else. Sometimes you take over my psyche so much it becomes paralyzing. I never want to get rid of you, but I want to reduce the amount of strength you have over me. I’m creating a balance with you so we can start living together- our dynamic hasn’t been sustainable.
 I’m understanding you more through my sessions. The OCD diagnosis gave me an understanding of why I was afraid of my speaker exploding if I left it charging overnight. Or that every trip my mom made to the store would be her last. Watching tragedies on the news fueled you more than I’d like to admit. I avoided movie theatres for years (now one of my favorite pastime activities), and I couldn’t sit in class without thinking of where to hide or exit if a mass shooter barged in.
 I shared your thoughts with my friends and family. Their reactions told me I was a paranoid person (so the diagnosis wasn’t surprising). My therapist has helped me realize that I’m having a stagnant existence. I’m not living my desires or goals, I’m not living quite at all. I am afraid of everything, and of things that haven’t happened yet. I’ve been in survival mode this whole time, and I didn’t even know it. I want to live, and I’m learning how for the both of us.
 Speaking out about every thought you deliver to me has helped beyond words. No matter how much the logical side of me clashes with you. Saying the words out loud doesn’t make it real, but it helps me slowly filter them from my subconscious. Therapist, the loveliest lady, appreciates you coming out to ring the alarm bells. She reaffirms what the logical part of me has been saying. But we aren’t disregarding you. We are evaluating where you are coming from, and if it is strong enough of a reason to stay away from something. And we’re grateful for you being so protective of me.
 
I go to the movies all the time now. My nerves still get a little high when it’s a packed theatre, but I buy tickets near an exit. I tell mom to drive carefully when she goes anywhere, and to pause for a moment before going through her intersection. Those few seconds of delay can save anyone’s life, including hers. I’m not in school anymore, but I’m relieved to be going to big events when I see security surrounding the area. Mom and I went to a parade downtown for Christmas, something I’d never thought I’d do.
 Google’s my savior, too. I learned that many devices have protections to avoid overcharging, and will stop when a battery’s entirely charged. Looking things up when I’m afraid of them has become a superpower. It’s not just the two of us all the time now. And as we’ve learned, you grew a louder voice than I did. My new ways of coping with you had never put you at ease completely. But it’s definitely helped, and that’s the one thing I can guarantee. Thank you for everything.
All my love,
Mercy
100 style score