I’m Terrified of Going Back to Therapy

9/6/23
10:35 pm

I’m terrified of going back to therapy
Because what if I heal
The best parts of me
The open wounds that give birth to my creativity
What if my trauma is the origin of my art
Who am I without this pain
What would I do if it simply went away
And what would I write
If a therapist fixed me
And I no longer had nightmares and dreams
Of waking up screaming
Running for my life
Who would I be
When I’m no longer living in survival mode
A dystopian war zone
What if all my talent is tied to my trauma
And the wounds of my heart yield
The most beautiful art
What if I lose it all
And set aside the sorrow and anger
What sort of creativeness could be crafted
From contentedness and splendor
Is my only hope for creation
The result of destruction
Would I be talentless without the catastrophes around me
What would I do without the scars
And the bruises and marks
I cannot imagine my life without this pain
And this anger settled deep inside of me
And I can’t just set it aside
I feel like without it I might not survive
Because sometimes it’s the only thing that’s kept me alive
Petty and spite
My anger is a weapon I forge
Protecting me
And my sorrow is a haven
That I reside in
Because it’s all I’ve ever known
I don’t know who I am

Without these things
I’m a dog without a bone

I’m terrified of going back to therapy
Because what if the doctor judges me
For how I spend my time
Or how I’ve wasted away my life
And how long it’s taken me to feel alright
Would they criticize my healing time
Or tell me I need to go out more
Make some friends
Would they ridicule me
For my struggles
Or my sad miserable life
And my attempts at passing time
I can only imagine what they’d say
When I recap a week in my life
They’d probably feel bored out of their mind
But if I even began to delve into the trauma
Maybe they’d understand
That I’m simply healing and resting
For the first time
After being exhausted my whole life
I’m allowing myself to heal and rest on my terms

And what if all that is undone in a moment’s notice
Because I realize how utterly unhealed I still am

I’m terrified of going back to therapy
Because what if it doesn’t help me
What happens if all that money is spent
And I’m left the same as I was before I walked in
What would I do if I’m left unchanged and unaffected
By their attempts at remedying me
What if I’ve learned all there is to learn
And there’s simply no helping me
Would I have wasted hours
Talking about the deepest parts of me
Just to be left empty
With nothing to show for it
No participation trophy
What’s the end goal
Am I meant to walk out restored
Or perhaps a more broken version than before
Realizing the depths of the tragedy
That shaped me
I’m so worried
That their words won’t even faze me
Because I’ll be too far gone for saving
A useless attempt at a treatment plan

I’m terrified of going back to therapy
Because the child inside of me is still in mourning
And she’s not ready
For what needs to be unearthed
To get to the root of my trauma
She wants to keep it buried and plant over it
A patch of wildflowers
That’s roots will travel down
And devour the wound whole

The younger version of me
Is scared of admitting everything
And coming to terms with what it all means
And she still wants to hold onto some shred of naivety
A sliver of innocence left in me
Untainted and full of youth
My heart aches and cries
And screams and wails
For justice for her
That I know I could never serve
And I’m not sure therapy
Could heal the younger version of me
That needed the knowledge I have now
I don’t think talking could soothe the burning within me
Or the hole I felt carved into my chest
When I was only a child
That I couldn’t put a name to
And what do I do
Now that I can

I’m terrified of going back to therapy
Because I feel it’s exactly where I need to be

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