“We are going on vacation.” He says to me with a look of seriousness that tells me he isn’t making the statement to appease me, for the moment, until my stress disipates and I later forget.
“We are going to Jamaica with our 2 best friends and the tickets are already purchased, so make sure you have your things packed and ready in 5 days because that’s when we fly out for our vacation.”
In the 10 years of being with my husband, he had never taken over planning anything to leave me with little to no weight on my shoulders.
A very shocking yet sweet surprise.
His genuine gesture wasn’t the only surprise. The thought of getting onto a plane became almost unbearable in my mind.
You! You’re the theif that crept into my body and took over completely.
You brought, with you, panic that set in to cause uncontrollable tears and the bouts of hyperventilation. The empty feeling that launched itself into the pit of my stomach and caused an eerie unshakeable feeling of sickness to overcome me. An overwhelming sense of dread that covered my entire body like a blanket of snow that covered my grandparents’ yard as the aftermath of a cold Missouri winter storm.
The enormous lump that, from nowhere, seemed to form in my throat…leaving me unable to swallow.
Who knew that you could completely dibilitate a person with such a quickness and seemingly cunning ease?
I do now because I had the opportunity of experiencing your “work” firsthand.
You crept in and gripped onto me as if I were a nut stuck on a bolt and you the vice used to hold me in place in order for me to be broken free.
You wasn’t letting go no matter how hard I tried to fight you away.
You won the battle that day.
You may end up winning the war…honestly.
To this day I can’t bring myself to step onto a plane. I can’t even entertain the thought of it without you peeking from around the corner. Reminding me that you are still there.
I shove you away, along with any thoughts I may have of flying, so that I don’t have to experience all that comes with you. It’s easier that way
Maybe oneday I may have the courage to face you, but until that day comes I’m perfectly fine carrying on with my life keeping you at bay… Staying away from stepping onto any aircraft to take flight.

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