!This letter contains harsh language!

To My Uncertainty,
Fuck you, you don’t control me. I have waded through oceans of doubt before and come out stronger. The seeds that you plant in my beautiful garden only wither and die because roots cannot take hold because of the tending I have so carefully done to let these blooms thrive.
To My Anxity,
You can also kindly fuck off. There is nothing for me to worry about because though every thing life has given me, I have only learned to adapt and do better. How to care for myself when feelings of being unloved and unlovable consume me. When I feel like I am a failure and a burden to though around me — Though I know I am not. That I can lean on my family and friends to carry me through the hard times. That I can try new things and be excited and not fearful of failure.

I don’t fear. I expect someone to judge me for how I look, act, using my mobility aid (or not). My fear manifests as your anxiety, a stronger, more powerful fear. It isn’t how can I overcome it’s how can I manage and push forward. You have been a part of me all my life. In ways, I thank you for protecting me, but now it is time to FUCK OFF. I want to live my life. Going out with my boyfriend and connecting with the monster drag community is something I want to do. I want to work on my writing and not wonder will spend all that money and a very stressful two years worth it.
You know Alicia very well and I think you like her because you let me tell her about things. I remember when that wasn’t quite the case. We have grown, but there is so much more we can do this year. Like, next month for the Monsters in the Making drag show. We can absolutely kill it, you heard Churb and the others. I am a born performer there is nothing to worry about and there will be so many people there
cheering me on. Use the fear to work that stage.
Writing is a more side thing, but there is this book. It’s only a quarter way done. I want to finish it. I think it is really good but anxiety gets in the way and says I need to have something steady to make money. My head is my worst enemy. I love writing. I know I can make a good story, but a first book doesn’t pay student $48,000 of student loans. But fuck getting a 9-5, Dolly said it best. “They never give you credit” I have worked so many jobs not getting the recognized like I should and writing will let me get that. Plus, it is a creative outlet for the millions of crazy ideas in my head.

Anxiety, I know, can help me get to my goals. It’s not just a bad thing, it’s a survival tool we all have. The key to meeting goals and overcoming intense fears is transforming anxiety from enemy to friend. Medication and a good therapist also help a lot too. It is also challenging to lean into change with anxiety and ADHD; consistency helps calm the mind. With the help of Alicia, I have been more willing to go out and try new things, more so now than in the past. Especially after losing my last job. “I trust fear. Fear exists for one purpose: to be conquered.” – Capt. Janeway.
I often find myself thinking of this and the one quote by Teddy Roosevelt, but I like Captain Janeway better. She is a kick ass woman of a starship who beat the Borg and got her crew through unknown space. She wasn’t afraid to run into the battle for the sake of her crew and, just overall, she’s a badass. I want to be more like her.

Ilkanic
They/them
Style score: 81%
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