You were born with your name in the lights. Your eyes were bright and their twinkle inspired your name. Your nick name. You were Twinkie then, and you are Twinkie now. Cute. Unassuming. In line and in check. Your survival depended on diminutive silence. Yet, you laughed from your belly. Your smile mimicking the matriarchal undertones you understood as mother. Grandmother and mom. You didn’t understand the gift carried in your smile’s beam. For its light seemed to illuminate pathways for everyone else. You would bloom.

Responsibility and its terms for life seemed natural to you. Elders applauded you for your self sufficiency. The applause was loud. Cries for eldership to step in, step up and raise you went unheard. So at 37, you’re up at night realizing piercing truths that leave your heart tender.

You had well intended guidance from elders. And your upbringing was lacking—and although that is not your fault, it is your problem.

Upon this realization, you’ve let many tears flow. I am proud of the ways you’ve allowed your heart to break. You’ve been diligent in your efforts to understand yourself. You’ve made heart space for those pivotal to your blooming.

You were mom’s light, even when it felt heavy. When mom’s addiction ravished your baseline understanding of character and moral, you found comfort in survival. You held emotions beyond your young mind’s scope in order to maintain a relationship filled with many things unsaid.

It took you many years to say it out loud. You said: I am angry with you mom. I hate the way you handled me in my dad’s illness and death. I felt so alone in it all. The whispers echoed and God sang back to you. When you needed a friend most, there was grief, melodic and soul stretching. A rite for your passageways. A raising.

Pivotal in your most recent blooming is the realization of grief and its effect on your understanding of life. I am most grateful for your willingness to unearth life’s greatest mysteries. Empathy and kindness fill the deepest crevice of your heart. You are remarkably resilient and magical. I need you, always. Today, I am—in virtue of your bloom.

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