Growing up I was always the odd and different kid from top to bottom, from inside and out nothing about me was able to blend in. I can remember memories from as young as 6 on the playground and other little girls would say “Why do you sound like that?” I was a very soft-spoken kid who had medical issues that I was overcoming. With all of that being said plus growing up rural where it’s not many options to just up and change schools I had to develop grit and a sense of self very early. Sometimes I would cry kids didn’t want to be my friend I thought I was weird I was not! Every day before I even knew what affirmations were I would look at myself and find something to love about me I dived into myself and discovered all of my hidden talents. What I love about myself self as a child that I carry as my inner child today is that there is only one YOU. And you can either hate yourself or love yourself, I chose love. I choose peace and happiness every day and I will instill these same positive beliefs in my children. I love that I never judged other kids I carry that trait with me to this day I’m aware of the danger but I never judge a book by its cover because I know what that feels like firsthand. My inner child is a patient and gentle spirit who was and will always be there for the people she loves but most importantly herself. That’s what I love about my inner child, she is still alive after all we’ve been through.

Remember how fearless you were?
You danced without a care in the of those watching you.
You voiced an opinion without cracking your words in between.
Remember how fearless you were?
Standing your ground, not caring if you seem like a fool.
You were always running with determined speed, feeling the cool breeze beneath your arms and the freedom of your feet dashing through the town.
Remember how fearless you were?
Filling up your soul by singing to your heart’s delight.
Always bring a smile to others with your silly jokes and portray imitations.
I loved you then and love you now. I miss that little girl within…
Bring her back soon before you forget how fearless you once were.

Young and wise
With a curious mind
Always searching to find
A truth you hold inside
Shining bright
In dark spaces
Transmuting complicated situations
How powerful you are
But you do not see
The beauty of your soul
And all you can be
An alchemist
Never a pessimist
A dreamer
Despite non believers

Little Bean Little Bean
I gots something to tells ya,
Little bean
It amazes me and leaves me in awe just how you light up a room
How you’re unapologetic for the swift cotton candy filled presence you bring
the attention you command
the hope you give bouncing off
the light you have within
little bean
little bean
you’re a wonder
oh how
I sit an awe, admiring you
you twirl with the winds
dance in the sun,
laugh in the rain,
play with the moon
weeds tried to end the seed planted
& upon suns rising you grabbed life and said
I won
Took off running
galaxies joined you
you stood up to the bullies
danced through it all
you sang your heart out
never cried when you fall
as if the Gods kissed you
the skies guided you
you created
what life needed
the missing peace
the yin to the yang
everywhere you placed your feet
Little bean
you’re a wonder
with a laugh like gardens
a soul of peonies
you turned
even the ugliest of things
into beauty
The beacon of hope you are
and were
A miracle and a sign
the empathetic star
I love everything about you
especially how unique you are
You are one of One
There is no other one.
Little Bean
I love everything about you
The Bold Miracle!
you defeated the odds
to give life what it was missing
you are the something beautiful
to every missing earth
You know what Little bean
You are heaven on Earth!

Easier said than done.
But you always did it!
Breaking free from the need to seek external validation is analogous to being on the path to Nirvana . It is demanding and calls for GOD-like mental grit and clarity.
But you always followed that path.
People pleasers are ubiquitous, self lovers are sporadic. The urge to please is perpetual.
It is also tiring, a process whose side effects are short lived and almost always unrequited.
Self love can seem like a monster.It is intimidating, misunderstood and grossly underrated.
Loving oneself knows no one sided failures.The feeling is always giving,reciprocating,caring and enriching.
I admire you for always knowing all this and loving yourself.
You were never afraid to lose your inhibitions and let your guard down.
You always cut youself some slack.
You were enough…And all you ever needed.
You never stressed the what should haves. If it should have, it would have!
You were not afraid to embrace the jitters in your knees and shout out loud from the rooftops for the world to hear and envy.
“To love and cherish myself unto death” proclaiming undying, unabashed love and loyalty to youself.
You let the warm, fuzzy feeling of self love flood your inner being. If it overflowed and few lucky wandered in its trajectory, good for them!
As for the others, you always let them go as that love just wasn’t meant to be..

To that little girl who loved barbies,
Bright sunshine and cake,
Climbing tress and swimming
All day in the lake.

To the girl who always saw the best,
In everyone she loved.
Made homemade birthday cards,
And gave the tightest, warmest hugs.

To the girl who just wanted to see the world sparkle,
But was often left in a place harshly dull.
To the girl who deserved nothing but love,
Recieved and paid for, in full.

You did the best with what you were given.
Lord knows you weren’t given very much.
But I am SO proud of you today,
Proud of your unwavering grit and trust.

You have faith that moves mountains,
And a determination to conquer every single one of your dreams.
That’s who you’ve ALWAYS been,
I know, because that girl
Is Me

To Little Emmers

In a world where dreams ignite,
Hold onto magic, shining bright.
Don’t let anyone dim your light,
Embrace your uniqueness, take flight.

Friendships may ebb and flow,
But true connections will grow.
In the pages of books, find solace and grace,
Let their wisdom guide your embrace.

Challenges and heartache may appear,
But remember, my dear, you’re never alone, my dear.
The worlds within those stories hold profound might,
They’ll teach you lessons beyond your sight.

Keep reading, keep learning, and let your mind expand,
For surprises await, just around the bend.
Like a magician, weave your spells,
Embrace the unknown, break free from your shell.

Though the future remains veiled,
Know that magic and wonder will never be curtailed.
You, dear Emmers, have the power to transform,
Your worth is immeasurable, like a precious charm.

So never lose that spark, that creative fire,
For it will guide you higher and higher.
People may disappoint, but don’t let them define,
For amidst the shadows, true friendships will shine.

Remember, Little Emmers, you’re not alone,
In this journey of life, you’ll find your own.
Trust in magic, let your imagination soar,
For in your heart, true wonders forever adore.

With love,
Your Future Self

Before the storms weathered what feels like such an old soul
The golden hues of my hair, before I tried to fit into someone else’s mold
Laughing and screaming while falling from trees
No tears spilled over skinned knees
Hushed yelling cursed names spewed
I quickly learned I mustn’t break any rules
Now quiet and reserved never missing a social cue
I once was so brave not even my family had a clue
The resilience I had at such a young age
Always putting on my happy face I smile and wave
She’s such a good girl isn’t that what they always would say
As I quickly grew up so ahead of my time
I made sure to never lose my shine
Adventure seeker turned people pleaser
She always remembered her name laughing off all of the pain
Authentically you, never afraid to steer off to catch a good view
Jumping into lakes to beat the heat
Making potions in the kitchen when I should’ve been asleep
Stirring the pot never over thinking a single thought
Sneaking midnight snacks popcorn in between laughs

Chronically misunderstood
As wild as the Florida wind
Emotions flooding through like a hurricane
Hushed through the pain
Left alone to cry out the shame
Return with a smile learning to constrain my wild
Find hope through art only for it to be torn apart
Strong enough to stand again
Each time I was shoved a mark was left
A feeling that has since remained in my chest
An ache in my heart
But my love stayed true
Once a fighter refusing to let them break you
Golden hues turned dark and untamed
Always regaining my light after every rain
Picking up the pieces taking others parts as my own
All the love I gave came back to me through the unknown
Following blindly the ones I admired
Down the darkest paths of desire
I learned my way from such a young age
I fought the course only to be brought back to it once more
All the hope left my body I left it with the sea
I’ll dive again and bring it all back to me
I see that young girl with golden hair teaching her that while life isn’t always fair to never shrink or lose her flair
So here I declare to repave the path I thought was my heir
I see the world through those young dark eyes
As the years have soared by they’ve lightened over time
When I fight I fight for you
I heal for you
Your resilience is now mine
My peace will be ours

Once so wild and carefree
Laughing singing falling from trees
As I heal for me I hurt for you
Breaking free from the chains finally living without all this pain

I stood tall and proud filled with dreams until I fell from the clouds
But as I age and have learned grace
I smile back reminiscing about your face
The courage in you stayed true until your light burned out
I don’t think we truly believed our doubts
As we find our way back to each other
Our light starts to burn brighter than ever
Our flame ignites once more the magic ignites together we soar
You were strong for me and now I fight for you

July 24th, 2024
Happy birthday, little one! We are officially 26 years old. I still need to work on a lot and have been putting off writing this to you for a while. The remnant of our past lingers in my mind and still upsets me, so I will try not to cry while writing this (still anxious as ever). I look back at past letters and things Yia Yia and Mom have said to you so I can use them as a resource since I am not too good at opening up, but I will try my best; I promise you it will not be as good as they spoke to you, but it will still be enough. You are my muse; you showed me strength when it felt like the world was placed on our shoulders. You inspired me to do anything in life that I manifest for myself. You are brave; you spoke up when things were wrong and cared for others before yourself. Finally, you are resilient; stuff you do not speak on that you struggled with and handled from such a young age has shown who you are.

I questioned how we became such a good person if our past had shown differently. From generational trauma, you continuously try to break, but it still comes up for air. To the infinite love you have inside of you for others and not yourself, you have let depression overstay its welcome, but it has never taken away your love from the inside of your soul, which has amazed me. You would be 24 today if I did not have you screaming in my head not to do this to your family; I chose to walk downstairs instead of making a decision you know all too well about the grief it gives others. Every year, the day after today, I still have a piece of you: the 7-year-old girl who found out her dad passed away, the 15-year-old teenager who found her dad’s news article that he shot himself, and the 24-year-old who almost did the same thing, but you stopped me. I don’t believe I would have had the strength to do it, but just the thought was enough to bring you to the surface, the most robust inner child I have ever met to this day.

Writing to you has released a lot off my chest, and I thank you for listening. You have always been a great listener, and I love you for that. Today, I work as a 911 operator, saving lives for the last five years, which is not close to what you have done for me my whole life. I have written this letter repeatedly, thinking of different ways to place these words and speak to you, but I hope this helps you understand that you have always been enough. I am forever thankful it went God’s way and not ours for most things. Mom has always done her best to protect us, and there is a reason she kept the truth away from us for so long. Your dad loved you, and it was not your fault. He went through so much in life that led him to that point; he no longer suffers in this cruel world and is in a better place looking down on us. You can release the past trauma and live presently. I have learned a lot over the last few years, and it certainly opened my eyes to speak to yourself with a positive tone and never negatively, which will affect you.

Last year was the first year I brought Dad’s ashes out after 18 years to watch a sunset on our birthday. I also grabbed a cupcake for old memories to enjoy what we couldn’t the day we found out. In the years I have not allowed us to enjoy a birthday, I finally looked inside and let you out to play, not to keep you locked up. You guided me towards better things and how to handle situations. So here is to another year of life and another candle for you to blow out. Make a wish.

Do not tell me what it was, but I am thankful for you and life. I will see you at church on Sunday and wish you peace, happiness, love, and faith.

I want to share with you my favorite quotes:

“Be your light in the darkness; you are the only one who can help yourself.”

“Life isn’t about surviving the storm; it’s about learning how to dance in the rain.”

“I watch the sunset to feel the serotonin, seeing for myself the beauty and art our loved ones paint across the sky from above.”

Love you always, A. Simone

Dear little Antoinette,

We are on a trip down memory lane. While I thought I was just planning a trip to show our family where life started, you were planning a healing adventure. We’ve cried a lot. We hung out a lot. And we’ve gotten to know each other better.

I loved letting you lead as our children got to meet your carefree spirit. Swinging from ropes to drop into the very cold springs, canoeing down the peaceful river, jumping off platforms! Making core memories with our babies on the swings right outside of our cabin in the woods. Showing our husband the fearlessness within on hikes through the wilderness.

I know leaving was hard, and you didn’t understand why we had to go and you hadn’t a say so. Thank you for allowing me to meet you at our old house and console your pain. Seeing you jumping up and down, scream “Why did we leave?” Was heartwrenching. Yet, wrapping my arms around you as you sobbed, in the most healing way was the absolute highlight of this journey. Despite spending the majority of our lives in South Florida, North Florida is and will forever be home; I know that now. Soon enough we will be back home. Patiently waiting is one thing we find challenging, however, if you allow me to take the lead we will be back!

You are so brave! You are so carefree! You are so fearless! You are so adventurous! You are so authentically you! I’m so grateful to have spent this time together, and to have introduced you to my family! Thank you for reminding me of who we are at the core. What you have done for me is honestly indescribable! Now, what I will do for you is, set you free!

I love you always!
Forever – Me