I miss the way you believed in the stars,
how you sent them your wishes
and forgot all your scars.

I miss the way you would bask in the sun,
hiding from the darkness
replacing it with fun.

I miss how you loved with all your might,
and believed you were worthy
of a love just as bright.

I miss how you held the belief
that the world was good
and she had no teeth.

But I have grown and forgotten,
allowed my pain to fester
and turn the world rotten.

I have succumbed to my scars:
no longer dancing outside
and wishing on stars.

I no longer bathe in the sun’s light,
but hide in the shadows
to stay out of sight.

My love for the world has been altered.
I cannot see past my pains;
my wonder has faltered.

But, I promise to be better for us.
to remember your smile
and regain your trust.

To look at me the way
you looked at the stars.

I was visited by love today. She showed up out of the blue, like a familiar face that I never knew. She said, Anna, is that you? I replied, yes, love, it’s me. With the biggest smile on her face, I was held in love’s embrace, like the clouds over the moon. A rush of heat went through my body like a fever coming through. I softly whispered, thank you, love. I’ve missed you too. I went to step away, and there she was again. She said, where are you going? I’m not finished with you yet. I looked at her, surprised, wondering what she meant. She said I’ve been waiting a long time to tell you what your purpose is. She said you have a heart to help those in need, not just physically but spiritually; indeed, you have a calling on your life; your feet are firmly planted on the ground. Your wings have fully grown and have spread out.
You no longer live in fear but trample it at your feet. Your head is held high, and you let love speak. Love pours out in all you do; you are no longer a songbird caged but free to let your voice ring. Love then looked at me and said, you’re so beautiful. You have heart to help people and a voice that rings true. I sat there, overwhelmed by the grace that love has shown. I held her tight, and at that moment, she was gone. I was visited by love today. How I never knew the love I carried, even when I was blue.

To the six year old digging for rollie pollies in her neighbor’s backyard,
never lose that hope.
Keep searching for the smaller pictures,
and you won’t find an end to the rope.

Fight the rules if you think they’re cruel,
let yourself cry when things are unfair.
Be prepared for duels,
and feel the wind through your hair.

You may be called weird or crazy,
and some may not be kind to you;
but if you feel alone,
feel the grass between your toes,
and remember there are two.

We feel all things deeply,
it’s a beautiful way to live.
So care for every creature and
always be willing to give.

Dance like no one’s watching,
explore the things you love.
Do not seek approval-
you can find it in the sun.

And please always remember,
you were born a wild one.

Let’s have a chat and sit and talk for a while, as I bring forth a profound truth. The awesome part of this chat is that I will detach myself from you, but we will still be one. The blood that runs to your veins is the same as mine one heartbeat. As I look in the eyes of myself, I give notice that the decisions and choices that I chose will have a profound effect on your life for years to come. They will affect my children and my grandchildren. I can’t see it now because I’m young and in my foolishness, I don’t have the concept of time coming to an end , it’s not always about the clock on the wall. It’s when time simply runs out. This life you’re living is filled with destructive behavior. I was given the opportunity to speak to my younger self, and the one word that keeps coming back is stop, but knowing you like the way that I do , you won’t stop you will take it to the limit. One day years from now you will find peace in your solitude. You will have built up a strength and resilience that is unimaginable. What I love about Anita is she is able to adapt to any situation, she is like a chameleon ever changing to suit the environment that her trials find her she has ability to face struggles and trials and never give up, not that Anita has anything to prove, but it is her grit. Her ability to re-create to be put in any situation and survive and flourish, and always trying to become the best version of myself daily .

I still see you there.

Hiding, like a dragon in its lair,
When in truth you were just a little girl who wanted someone to care.

shaking, whimpering in a secret corner of my heart 
Sick of the shadows
scared of the dark,
…but so tired 
Tired of the lying,
of the never-ending heartbreak
And of the people who caused it, and keep trying.

Always hurting that sweet innocent giving,
little girl, You used to be
I understand the feelings
Because you,
Used to be me.

Always just Another unfortunate lesson you were made to learn.
And another heart in the flames
that eternally burn. 

You just want to protect yourself

I’m sorry I can’t say it gets much better,

Living under that curtain of thick, brown hair
Avoiding those heavy, thousand-yard glares.

I see you, standing there
Alone, in the cold stormy weather
But Always pulling through
And for that
I’d Personally
like to thank you.

Even as no one saw our own tears glistened,
You were always
Talking and taking the time to listen.
Healing others while your own heart quickened.

So thank you.
for holding out hope even when we were at the end of our long tenuous rope.

you were a patient, kind, and wild child
Moral belief guides your mouth and your feet.
Never talking out of turn
but unafraid to speak.
We fought for the right reasons
For family, for goodness for me.

Something that used to seem so easy
Now far from ease.
You lived life as you pleased and lived life by your own code of morality.
Sometimes it’s hard to actually remember and believe
That you’re me.

Like when we put our dollars in the donation jar for troops,
Because everyone deserves to get to talk to their family. though you’re own rarely talked to you.
those were just the types of things we’d do.
besides we had two dollars and a cookie only cost one.

Money was nothing but an object to us, and the real prize was adventure life, and love.
So to us, it was harmless fun that could help someone.

You hold A fearless trust that the world couldn’t mess up,
And a strong belief that this world was capable of good deeds.
Always Made up of shades
of black and white
wrong and right,
Dark and light
good, or bad
We believed whole-heartedly in humanity

Until they said we were too “different”
“Naive to believe”
And like Icarus clipped our wings
Then when he flew too close to the sun
Left us falling.

Child,
I see you… me
And I’m sorry life wasn’t what you expected it to be,
physically or morally,
But I’m thankful you’re still the hope in me
Sometimes I just ask what that brave kid would think,
As we’re Growing into the person we were always meant to be and need.

I’m proud of you,
sincerely you /me.
P.S., it’s hard but keep going till we get where we need to be.

They always said you had a wild imagination. A little story weaver, dashing between worlds and characters, creating the tallest tale ever to be witnessed, a symphony of grandiose that made those stories almost feel like magic. The worlds you can visit are that of such adventure and excitement. And that is something you deserve to always keep. One of the things they don’t tell you about growing up is there are so many made up rules and stories we continue to tell each other that are so poorly written they cause nothing but fear. And if there is one thing I know about you is you do.not. Like horror movies. And when you have no choice but to choose which part you need to play in the big facade of it all, you will feel like you need to fit yourself into a box of expectations that is far too small to contain all the parts of you. And you learn the villains in all those stories you love so much and the evils you fight in your dreams are indeed real–they just take the form of other humans who are so desperate for their inner child to be loved they throw the biggest tantrums you could ever imagine. And they are the bullies, the ones who found value in one of the things that we made up in this world. Our worth is not defined by an imaginary dollar we have been taught to chase. Our worth is defined by the very real existence we get to experience as this bright, beautiful, creative and boundless person we always dream of being.

Who you are matters, what you like matters, how you feel matters. You will be taught certain beliefs that are not yours to hold and they might make you feel wrong, feel like the depths of your goodness is too much. But if there is one thing I know for certain is you have always deserved to be love in the same ways you are capable of loving. And my love, being able to feel in such extremes is both a blessing and a curse. The hurt you were made to feel was never your burden to bear, it’s not your fault your generational trauma comes in the form of such deep depths of hurt sometimes light cannot reach far enough. But it is both a blessing and a curse to feel so deeply–but how lucky you are to feel so deeply and imagine so vividly and concoct potions of such power you cannot help but attract all you could ever dream of. Continue to lean into the passion, lean into the adventure, lean into the deep want of incredible quakes. All those big feelings that swell in your stomach are your superpower, and we both know we’ve always wanted to have a super power.

It will be scary and you will have to be brave. But if the bravest heroes in the best kinds of stories can face their greatest fears, so can you. When it becomes too much, it’s ok to pick the part you know you can play. But do remember you deserve to choose to be you–in fact it’s usually more fun when you get to place yourself in the life you are living.

Remember to find the perfect music to fit the moment, follow your curiosities (our Gemini sun keeps us trekking) and follow your heart when it comes to what story you want to tell next. You always have a great one up your sleeve, who I am is proof of that.

Love you to the stars and back (which is infinitely because the universe is probably a donut shape or something). I cannot wait to see what we get up to next.

You’re a superstar baby,
Your Future

To you, to me, to us:

When I think about you, I do not remember much. I remember sadness—a lot of it. But I do not know why and I want you to know that I have been on the search for the reason ever since I understood that hearts can, in fact, be broken. I joke a lot about how my heart, your heart, our heart has been broken since we entered into the world. A sparkly bandaid that I like to put over the wound. We still love sparkles.
I am sorry for all of the fear. I am sorry for all the ways I held you back. Stayed small. Kept quiet. Didn’t get into trouble. Because Dad would yell. Mom would cry. I would cry. You would cry. We would cry.
There are days when I think we knew too much and then days when I think we knew nothing at all. This is still a common occurrence. Did your feet ever feel like they were on the ground? Because mine still do not.
I miss twirling around, in a tutu, carefree. I wonder if we didn’t do enough of that. If we did, would I still be longing for that feeling?
Every time I think of you, you’re wearing pink. Your light brown, thin hair is disheveled, and your bangs are ever so slightly tangled between your long eyelashes. You’re wearing ballet slippers. Your skin is porcelain and so soft, untouched. Your little, round belly hanging over your tutu. The days before you learned what it felt like to want to flatten it and roll your shoulders back to try so hard to be tall and thin. The days before you needed to learn how to self-soothe. I want you to know that you did a good job. I want you to know that I am proud of you. The times when you did talk back and got in trouble. Even if you shied away not long after. I want you to know I am proud of your independence. Even if we are still just a little scared of a lot of things.

I want you to know that we now make an abundance of noise. Every day. And although we are not in a tutu, we are still whirling and twirling around under a disco ball with our favorite songs playing over loudspeakers in a dark room with pretty lights. And we are far from silenced.
We use our voice. We use our words to show people that they don’t have to just self-soothe. They don’t have to stay small.
We use our body too. The one that over the years suffered an incredible amount of dislike. I am sorry about that too. But we learned, just how strong we are. Mentally and physically and I am sorry it took me so long to honor every little piece of you because when I look back, I see that you are stronger than I gave you credit for and if it wasn’t for you twirling around in your little pink tutu, I wouldn’t be here now. You wouldn’t be here now. Thankful for all of the self-soothing. For all of the hurt. The search for love that ended in heartbreak which then ended in strength.
Thank you for your resilience. I hope to continue to make you, me, us, proud.

a time when life felt free,
where your mind could just be.
the harshness of the world has not yet consumed you,
it’s a time where your wildest dreams can still be true.
The world is still in color
a time before the world got duller
when unicorns still exist
and your face is sunkissed
you’re dancing in the rain
and there’s not yet anyone to blame
Before all the pain
when you had nothing to gain.

A time when the sun shines brighter,
where you just felt lighter.
when your mom still loved your dad
and cuss words were bad
A time when you were naive
when anyone could make you believe
when your mind felt free
and laughter was the key
A time when your life couldn’t get any better
except maybe if your mom bought you that new sweater

I like the way you try to help others in certain situations and give advice
I like the way you get your eyebrows sharper than a fingernail
I like the way you have a open mind about anything or anyone
I like the way you’re learning how to communicate and be patient
I like the way you have a fear of rollercoasters but aren’t afraid to jump out a plane
I like the way you value alone time even though your friends are awesome
I like the way you smile even when you’re sad some days
I like the way you can sing the alphabet with your mouth closed and type a whole paragraph with your eyes shut
I like the way you’re not afraid to be harsh and be straight-forward with anyone
I like the way you stopped crying everyday for something sad and instead crying for something joyful