Is your willingness to love
Your wide-eyed mystical stare of all the wonders that bare
The soft, warm embrace from your innocence that escapes
Only you felt the comforts of the world with eager arms wide open, throwing yourself into the unknown
Allowing yourself to fall deep into the depths of it all
And although it gets cold
From time to time
I want to remember to hug that little part of mine
Because without that fearless truth
That life engulfed you with unconditional light
I’d battle these dark knights each night
And still bottomless, you push to resurface
Because it’s only you that could hold that part of mine
The ugly parts that forgot your wondrous eyes and the smiles wide
To abandon that life that was once mine
I’ll fight each day to regain it
For you.

I am my father’s daughter
To the girl whose daddy was her Superman without a cape
The girl who spoke with reckless abandon,
So strong and steadfast in her truth
Her mind, a reservoir
Her throat a cracked damn
Her lips chapped concrete
Spilling, overflowing, words dripping
Rushing, bursting at the seams
Getting swept up in the current
You know that feeling unloved is a thirst you feel in your bones
So you’ll let the water flow freely for others so they’ll never know the aching of going without
My dad taught me how to swim by tossing me in a motel swimming pool with no warning or explanation
My dad taught me about anger the same way; no warnings, no hesitation
My father, my family, passed down second-hand rage with the expectation of learning how to carry it the hard way
To the ghost of a little girl’s childhood past,
You’ll learn that your anger is self-love set on fire, and standing up for yourself requires burning people who try to get in your way
That the heat is just as cleansing as the water
That drowning in a saltwater sadness won’t prove your worth to the wrong people
And the flames will make you stronger if you let them
Being broken and down and built anew
There are so many versions of yourself you’ll get to fall in love with, over and over and over again
I loved you as a rebellious child
I loved you as an arrogant teen
I loved you as the uncertain woman in her 20s
I loved you as the mother with little to no support
I loved you as the addict without a place to call home
I loved you as the grief destroyed you
I loved you as I watched you rebuild again
I love the parts of you that you hate the most, and the best parts of you that you don’t even see
I’ve loved you in a million passing moments, and I’ll love you as a million more pass by again
The part that I love the most is finding the love that I’ve been searching for within myself
And knowing that I’ll always, always, always be enough
To keep myself afloat
To keep myself from drowning
To keep myself from bursting into flames

Hey you,

I’m almost certain that the memory of me has faded by now, but I often think of you and how your smile would light up a room full of shadows and anguish. I recall that if anyone could turn anything into an inquisition, it was you. With your coarse hair, knobby knees, and fire-filled personality, to me, the only thing that could stop you was God himself. The way your feet would pitter-patter down the street to hustle the neighbors for money so that you could buy a treat! But don’t worry, your entrepreneurial journey was only beginning, my friend.

Are we still friends? They say relationships are give and take, but while you gave, I turned my back and walked away.

I didn’t think I needed your lying tongue, naive antics, sad thoughts, and broken heart. It was all too much to carry, or so I thought. The part of you that I judged was exhausting, and life seemed to go on exceptionally well without me burdening myself with your pain. However, I write this letter not to condemn you but to beg for your forgiveness. This vain, shallow heart didn’t realize that the parts of you were where I drew my strength.

I am sorry I never told you that I love you. That your laugh reminds me of Bob the Builder and your fierce sense of justice is my moral compass. That your inability to be a “yes man” was my only protection. I am sorry that I took your heart for granted. Your ability to forgive is unmatched, and your view of love is out of this world. Your family and friends viewed you as unstoppable, while I viewed you as a liability.

I am sorry that it took me so long to realize your worth. You are perfectly imperfect in my eyes. I don’t expect you to welcome me back with open arms, but I am committed to mending our relationship because you were the best part of my life.

Love,
You

You’d watched her do it for years with envy. Turned on the switch that illuminated a dozen eggs scattered about a styrofoam oven. Instead of two neat rows of 70 calories, these misshapen, feather laden, orphans lay dormant in my mother’s 1st grade classroom until they pecked their way through birth only to be “set free” and dead before their 6 year old foster parents started the next school year.
So when I, crossing the farm across the street, stumbled upon a nest without a mother, took it upon my 12 year old self to clutch the only child from its cold next and cradle it within my hoody as I entered my first month of motherhood. I found the incubator, covered in the amniotic fluid of this past year’s open-house-show-stopper, and quietly brought it upstairs to my closet. I plugged it in and placed my single egg within its synthetic worming haunches. A few weeks later, my pubescent closet was filled not only with American Eagle sale items but the warmth of newly hatched killdeer. It was an endangered species. I fed it worms and it died. I felt proud. But now, filled with regret.

To the girl I once knew well whose laughter rang like a soft bell, whose eyes held dreams unbounded and free, there’s so much that I love in me.
I love the way I Dare to dream and chase the world with a hopeful gleam, an open heart so pure, and a spirit so bright I filled my darkest days with light.
My kindness is like a gentle breeze. I could calm the wild and restless seas. I give my heart without a pause. I love deeply, even knowing loss. 
I dance in the summer rain and find joy within the pain. The courage I have when storms roar shows strength; I cannot help but adore.
My young curiosity and wonder I now explore; my heart I always feared to ponder, each question in my mind explores. I love the way my soul sores.
At times, I stumble, yet I stand tall, willing to give it my all. As I face each twist and turn with every step, I see I learn.
For every smile, every tear, for every joy and every fear, all the dreams that I hold tight, I love me in the morning light.
So here’s to you, my younger self, a treasure worth more than all the wealth. For all you are and all you’ll be, there’s so much that I love in me. 

Your innocence shines through the cracks of my skin,
Like rays of sunshine beaming through to remind me that you’re still here.
You sit in corners with your piano,
Your imagination dancing.
I hear your silence singing to me,
See your eyes filled with hope.
I couldn’t heal until I looked within and saw you sitting alone.
You never asked for love,
And you seldom cried.
I carry you with me as I go.
You’re a reminder of the light I still hold inside.

So young yet so old,
You are more powerful than you know.
From time to time,
Tears trickle down my cheeks.
We’d been left alone before,
And I was wondering if it was me.
But my sweet girl,
I didn’t get to hear my tears hit the floor.
I took my eyes off of you for a second and found you holding me.

Your love is potent.
You are wise beyond your years.
I carry your light with me.
I will always take care of you and wipe your tears.
My sweet girl, the world is something you may never understand,
But I’ll be here for with you.
I’ll never let go of your hand.
When your light beams through,
I’ll know that it’s you.

My sweet girl, my love is with you.

To my younger self:

It’s sometimes hard to say “I love you,”
But know, I always do.
You shine bright in a world full of darkness,
with strength and resilience when most would give up.
You possess beauty inside and out—enjoy it, because it does fade 😉
But know that no matter how hard you try to be perfect, you already are.
Made in God’s image,
a princess immaculate in design.
Wise beyond your years,
funny even when you don’t mean to be,
and smarter than you will ever know.
You have a heart of gold—something to be proud of and cherish.
Through pain, you push through and triumph, which is tough at such a young age.
You may not have had the childhood fun some kids had, but you do have love.
You are a leader,
A champion,
A survivor.
You make the world a better place, and your smile lights up every room.

Remember, you are loved deeply and valued beyond measure.
Keep shining bright, for you are destined for greatness.

Love you truly,
Kristina