One day

One day, I may have the right words to make sense of all that I am. All that I had to became because of what you did to me. All of who I am now, but not in spite. No, despite you, and all those words you said to me, all those belts and wooden spoons no child deserves. Because of your sins, I had to pay your debts. For the anxiety, depression, and BPD. For every time I needed you there, and you were nowhere to be found. I now want you to stay that way.

All those days I sat alone in my head with your words on repeat. All those times I tried to run and hide. What about that time that I took enough to turn yellow, and I just went to sleep hoping it would be mellow in the end? That night that the silver gauge had my name on it… but who would be there to protect my sisters? So I laid it down that night. This story isn’t long enough to tell you about all the times I wanted to just feel normal and safe. To feel loved, wanted, and worthy of the bare minimum. That part I’m still searching for. I think it’s one of the last things to come. But what you didn’t realize when you created a monster with the madness is that when that monster gains control of their mind and bodies, then magic happens. My body has grown strong, but my mind has become more gentle. I am all those things that I needed. I am patient, I am kind, I am loving, I am genuine. Was I always those things? No, and I hurt way too many good people. While I am responsible for my actions, ultimately I know that. When you suffer like you made me, the reality isn’t the same. So the decisions are based in an altered perception. It’s a hard pill to swallow, but I know that I will not have an ego like you. Also, unlike you, I will face my demons. I will battle them every single day so that my kids know how to fight, who and what to as well.

But what I have now learned is that voice in my head that so resembles yours. Is, in fact, not mine to keep, but it’s back to yours now. I have that ability. To avenge every moment you stole, I took back that power and will fight to always make my future better.

Every once in a while I am reminded of what I never had. I see the smiles on the daughter’s faces knowing they are safe. Some days I wish for that. Some days I wish I could run and you would save me. But you aren’t the one to save me. No, what you did was the opposite. I didn’t start out as the black sheep of the family, did I? No, before I had a voice, I was the sacrificial lamb. And when I got my voice and my black hair, that’s when you left. Interesting how the timing plays out, isn’t it…

Oh, how quickly I learned to hide the things that would make you rage. I learn to quiet myself as best I could. But when your brain is alphabet soup, that’s hard to do. To shrink, to hide, but in a body and mind that could not, would not fit into societi’s mold. No, so what we did to survive is what so many have done before. We created smiles in the surrounding ones. Because if we were left alone in the silence of our minds, there isn’t any peace left. So we laugh, we joke, we entertain. We act like nothing can hurt us, so the words keep coming. And every day that no one sees the pain just proves to us we aren’t worthy of the notice. So we hide it better. The walls keep building. And like all walls, mine ultimately did its job, I’m here…And if you are still here too, I promise you there is hope. I never thought I could feel the way I do now.

So one day, maybe one day I may find out who I am, but I can promise you that when that day comes, you will not find me. Don’t ever come looking. I know what I am about to do is going to get back to you one day. And when that day comes, I hope you know not to call. I never want to hear your voice in my head again.

In the end, the one thing that I am certain of is that my children will never know your voice in their heads. My daughter will never feel like hugging a stranger has meant more than a hug from you. She will never know how scary the world is when you have no family to count on. My sons will not base their worth on their athletic abilities. The will not be bullied by family will I ideally watch and participate. No, I will meet their life struggles in the way I deserved to be supported through mine. And there is a beauty in that, just because you didn’t teach me how to be a healthy parent, partner, or person. You did, however show me all of which I don’t want to be as a human being. So if you read this one day and you disagree, then I am happy. I will never sacrifice my happiness or that of my children’s ever again.

I survived, now it’s time to thrive.

Signed,

An Unloved Daughter