When She Loves Me

By. Gabrielle Brandi

She liked the simpler things in life.

Like what was on the tv or whatever toys she liked.

She loved adventures under the pale blue sky, she loved the way the trees would greet her as she would pass by. She loved the way the swings freely let her feel the cool air. She loved the way the wind whispered through her hair.

She never let anyone stand in her way. Even on the rainiest days.

When the sun wouldn’t shine, she would keep herself warm.

On the days it would rain she would shelter herself from the storm.

She dealt with things a child should never have to bear.

Yet, she carried on humbly, with all her happiness she shared.

There were the things that she didn’t quite love.

She felt trapped within me as I grew up.

There are days where she shines her light.

To let me know she’s still here and full of life

She loves making music on my beat-up guitar

She loves expressing herself through art.

She loves our old shows and our old songs we used to listen to in mom’s car.

What I love about her most is that she loves deeply within her heart.

But most importantly, you could see.

Nothing else matters when she loves me.

Listen
I remember a beast with a foul tongue.
Everyday an endless torment.
Scorching with hateful words.
Digging deeper still.
Till at last I find you hidden.
We are one and the same.
I am here to remind you.
That you are loved beyond measure.
It wasn’t your fault.
You have always been innocent.
Just looking for acceptance.
That I adore, your singing little songs.
How curious you were about nature.
I loved most was how gentle you were.
Quick witted, bright, tried with all your might.
How your smile would beam.
That you were shy with strangers like a closed bud.
Unless you knew them well.
The bud when turns into an open flower.
Your an amazing survivor.
Have turned tragedy into victory.
By simply being uniquely you.
My! How stunning you shine.
I saved all your tears in a bottle.
To place it in God’s palm.
Never doubt His love, luv.
Just remember to keep an open heart and listen.

I know how badly you want to disappear. I know you’re overwhelmed in a world so big and you just want to make yourself so small that you’re overlooked; to be tucked away, hidden from all of the trouble, the pain, the noise. You were never meant to be in a place this big. You were not meant to inhabit space like this.
When you were young, you’d tighten yourself into a compact version of yourself, tucked into something even smaller, like your toy box, or the closet, or in an empty bathtub. Hoping that if someone went searching, they’d never be able to find you.
You never wanted to die. Not like that, anyway. You just wanted to escape it all. You wanted to be kept warm and safe from the shouting and the screaming. You feel safest when you’re the smallest version of yourself that you can be. The word “claustrophobic” isn’t in your long list of fears.
Being so small that you’re overlooked. That’s always been the goal. No one sees you or expects anything from you. You’ve always tried to keep to yourself. Not let anyone be able to hurt you. Never sharing your needs with anyone, because then they’d realize that you’re a real person, who takes up space, who makes noise. They’d be less willing to deal with you if you decide to have a voice. If you don’t just sit back quietly and fit into whatever they’re doing, they won’t want to be near you. Spend time with you.
Why do you have a desire to not be a human being? Why do you want to be so small, so overlooked, so quiet? Are you afraid of disappointing people? Or are you afraid of another fight? You’d close your door, hide under your bed. And you’d cry and cry and cry. But you’d never make a sound.
You’re not that little girl anymore. You don’t have to be afraid of getting in the crosshairs. You don’t have to be afraid of living your life. You’re allowed to make some noise, you’re allowed to take up space. You don’t have to pretend you don’t want or need anything to keep people satisfied. You deserve to ask for what you need. You deserve to take up room. You deserve to be loud. You deserve to be happy.
So, to the girl who wished to be smaller, it’s time for you to spread out. It’s time for you to scream. And it’s time for you to accept and welcome the happiness you deserve. You’ve hidden for long enough. Now it’s time to be big.

hello little one
my little boy blue
exhausted from trying
trying to fit-in
trying to be boyish
trying to be the peacekeeper

hello little one
my little boy blue
exposed to violence
exposed to instability
exposed to abuse

hello little one
my little boy blue
a survivor of adversity
a bouncer back
a fighter

hello little one
my little boy blue
you made
i made it
we made it

hello little one
my little boy blue
we found the strength
we found peace
we found the ability to forgive

hello little one
my little boy blue
rest
dream
the bogeyman is gone

Dear Ciara, 
I know it can be hard to understand why your life felt so different from the other kids around you. I just need you to know I am so proud of the way you handled yourself amid situations that no child should have to endure, let alone comprehend and take charge of. The trauma that you carry from a childhood woven by threads of addiction, temporary safety, fleeting moments of security, trust issues, and abandonment is nothing short of the heaviest things a person could carry on their back. Yet, you have carried all of it with grace. I, future you, am still healing these wounds and learning how deeply they have impacted every aspect of our life. You have set such a good example for me with the way you showed up and stuck up for yourself. Not just when in defense of yourself, but also with how you chose peace, consideration, and faith over anger, violence, and frustration. Even though your negative feelings were valid in all of the situations you were forced to deal with, the fact that you made the conscious effort to consistently stay optimistic has served me well with the mindset I’ve been able to cultivate in the current years. You raised yourself with little guidance or intervention from the adults in your life, which is something no child should have to learn how to do and you had no other choice but to do it. Yet, you did such a good job. You are not only allowed but also deserve to be proud of who you have become and are still in the process of becoming. Despite having nobody to turn to for so long, the struggles you faced and circumstances you had no control over, have never stood in your way of blossoming into a beautiful and kind-hearted person. The way you also never blamed a single person for the things you dealt with, not even those who probably deserved to be blamed, is admirable. I know it’s not the most light-hearted trait to celebrate but your resilience is what I love the most about you. Resilience is built up over time for most people but you have already proven to be stronger and more capable than many will ever have to be. For this, I am forever grateful to you.

Wide- eyed child.
Who are you now?
Jagged and smooth child,
Your arms twist and you twirl in the bright sunlight beaming through the window.
Your bulging eyes are put to rest
Shut them as you spin and jump and jive to a sweet melody from your father’s collection.
Pensive child!
Long nights spent in thoughtful stupor
Frantic scribblings of worry and love within the spiraled notebook
Machinations of your mind’s eye
In the form of jejune prose and self portraits.
Oh, you sweet child
Declarations of gratitude dedicated to all the love you’ve ever known-
Here is my origin! These are my makers. They love me and I adore them.
This is written on the countless of your attempts to recreate their image.
Your eyes swell up with love, you cry near every night into your pillow.
“Do they know how much they mean to me? My mother’s gracious eyes and my father’s crooked teeth peeking from his teasing smile?”
Yes, adored child, they know.
Wily child
Your existence is soaked in verve.
From your discombobulated image-
Milky, a crow’s coat sprouting from your excitable head
A pair of eyes that overwhelm their subjects
Fae footprints that dance over your nose and across both cheeks
You’re dressed in every color you have ever seen
Your small hands create testimonies of love, they write stories
Flowing from your bitten fingertips, your perception is exposed.
No one has ever been spared from your yearning to understand them
And your willingness to love them
Your readiness to show it
I have always loved you,
Vivacious and intriguing child
You follow me everywhere.
“Who am I now?”
You are the passion within me, you are love and you are naivety.
You are the giver of my admirations, you are the perceptive and the gracious.
The fire and awe within my soul, the desire to create, the willingness to love without regard.
The merciful and the impatient,
The petulant and the wondrous.
You keep me grounded
In a world that cannot ever be mine
But you and I will always be each other’s.
Oh, me, myself, my child
What I wouldn’t give to be held by your wide and merciful eyes.

You are so sweet,
So kind
So loving
You are so precious.
So beautiful
And so stunning.
Yet it is your soul that radiates
It is your vibrancy that gleams
From the inside
You are precious, a dainty little thing
Soft as a flower, gentle as a duckling.
You are so sweet, so kind, and so tender
This world tries to smother you down with it,
You keep me afloat during it all.
You remind me that peace, goodness, and love are qualities that should not be forgotten.
That even through the most trying of times, love should outweigh the pain.
Your forgiveness is awe-inspiring. You truly are too good to be true. You extend a hand to anyone in need and offer your strong back to carry the weight of others. You let your light guide your way, and it is captivating.
You are radiant.
A true gem
Light on earth.
Thank you for dancing through fields of dandelions and laughing every chance you get. Thank you for taking care of others and reminding everyone that kindness goes a long way. You are an inspiration to us all.
You are brave, bold, tenacious, and sometimes too hard on yourself.
You should allow others to see just how beautiful you can be.

I love you, endlessly.

Hello! Good Morning! Welcome awake!
She says to the world as she takes her place
She grins and smiles up at the sun
The journey begins, it’s 9:01
It’s a new day and the search begins
She’s looking for something she’ll find within
She looks under the tree where the faeries go,
Then by the lavender flowers that make her potions glow
Papas truck bed will make her fly
she’ll look all through the stars as she soars through the sky.
She’ll find it in the fort she and her sister made
Or maybe on her mother’s chest, where her head is laid.
She has it when she dances, spins, in the rain
It comes when daddy kisses away her pain
With a heart so big and a mind so wide
Her happiness is never hard to find
An amazing little girl the world gets to know
Just remember to keep looking for it as you grow.

Dear Former Self,

You will have many bumps and obstacles as you continue through life, but just remember your resilience and determination has gotten you to where you are now are key things to getting through turmoil in the future.

You have had Epilepsy since you were 1.5 years old and instead of hiding it from others and being afraid of it, your approach was much different. You wanted to educate yourself about it, advocate for the Epilepsy community, and adapt your lifestyle due to side effects of medicine and Epilepsy. For example, through school, you created your own test and did in parts, with repeating of various parts, over multiple days. You did not let Epilepsy hold you back. You averaged a B no matter the subject, course difficulty, or what else was going on in your life.

Some things you did as a child, that some might not do if they have Epilepsy or another disability, are you at some point or another played almost every sport, you travelled on a bunch of mission trips to places like Wyoming and Honduras that were not right next door, and you did water rides and amusement rides.

Your Seizures had been dormant for almost 8 years and then re-emerged at the end of your first semester of your Senior year of College. Through your resilience and determination, you still graduated on time, kept your grades up, and you stayed an officer in 3 different clubs.

Then you decided to get brain surgery. After you had brain surgery, your neurologist told you that by looking at your brain, he was surprised that you had made it as far as you had and as successfully as you had. Your approach after brain surgery was, like the rest of your life, to not throw in the towel. You did a lot of volunteer work in your community and then went to two part-time jobs and then went to one full-time job in another state.

Things again seemed dormant. You went almost 8 years seizure free again, you lived on your own, you were driving, you were working full-time, and then things changed. You had seizures re-emerge and had some other things happen in your life. You did not give up though. You kept working full-time, volunteering for organizations at a local and national level, and figured out many methods of transportation.

You have always been determined not to let Epilepsy defeat you. Keep it up.

From,

Matthew Steele

Feral and ferociously free.
Feet calloused from barefoot treks.

Hair matted with strawberry knees.
Climbing any tree limbs within reach.

Paying no mind to outward beauty.
Dwelling only in excitement.

And when the rains come.
It’s welcomed.

Grinning ear to ear.
Stomping through the mud with glee.

No fear, no bitterness.
Just feral and ferociously free.

The little one in me.