The gravitational pull
To something merely as
The birth of a star,
Could it be the poisoning rain
With the parasitic thoughts
That suggest otherwise?
Or the light that illuminates the darkness
That never had the empowerment
Of a savior to its own?
How about the adrenaline
From a sky dive momentum
That compels your weakness
To be worn as a tattoo…
The art of letting go precisely
Beckons the angel of death
Despite the strength to walk on water.
It is apparent to the bravery
Against the war ahead?
Nothing is ostensible
When it harbors a purpose.

To The World,

I wanted to tell you that I love my job and I love my home. I love my jeep and my boat and my 2 little dogs and my husband. For the first time in my life ever I feel like I’m on stable ground. I feel secure in my job and in my marriage. I make really good money and my husband supports me and cares about me.
What I wanna say next is gonna be hard for me cuz it brings me back to the evening I called my last lawyer and told her I don’t wanna fight for my daughter in court anymore. I cried into the phone pretty much broken and I told her that I’d rather be happy than be right so that’s what I really want. My mother told me that I chose my husband over my own daughter even after spending over 9 years in court to fight for her. So she’s right! I chose a man over my kids. I chose to move on. She’s absolutely right! It’s not an easy thing to say cuz she did that to me and I’m so unbelievably sorry if my baby girl feels that way. I know how that feels. It like breaks you from the inside out. I really wish she didn’t feel like that. What I really wish is that she knew how much she means to me. Cuz if she can feel what I feel, my heart is pretty much broken without her.

I chose a man over my kids! I will say that a million times if it means that I will break that cycle!

My mom told me once that I study the word from my mind! Maybe she was right about that too but not anymore. I just wanna know why I never ever saw a Bible in her hand. She never studied all the heroes from the past. She never told me that after Noah got off the ark that he got drunk and fell asleep naked outside his tent. She never told me that David’s family never believed in him and was even condescending to him. She never told me that Joseph forgave his brothers for selling him into slavery only after their acts of repentance. And she never told me that when you choose to give your life to Christ, a certain conviction is released in your soul that transforms who you are. All she ever talked about was “forgive and forget!” Tell me why I shouldn’t practice what she preached now. That I should forgive her and forget her too! All my life, I have been searching for a lifeline and I thought it was her but it wasn’t cuz she cut it in half over and over and over again.

She told me once that I was nothing but a crybaby and you know what. She was right about that too! But at least I cried! And she was a really big part of that. I can’t go around acting like nothing is wrong anymore. I can’t bury things under the rug anymore. God can’t forgive anyone if it’s still hidden under there! With absolutely no acknowledgement, no repentance, no answers. No change!

I do agree that this huge division in our family comes from judgements. My daughter judging me, me judging her! Everyone in the family judging each other. Honestly it’s easy to bring up what happened 30 years ago when I’m the one being judged today. Especially since it’s never ever been resolved. I guess in the end that really doesn’t matter. What matters to me was that it was a really terrible thing that happened but I was the only one who stood by my mother after I had to testify to put my stepfather in prison for sexually abusing me. I was the only one who defended her for years. I never cared what her part was in it because the only thing I saw was how much it hurt her. I would never wish that on anyone. But she did that to me because of a judgment that was never ever resolved. That she never resolved. She agreed to testify against me in the custody trial over my daughter’s custody case just so she can prove that I’m just as bad as her. If she needs to portray me as this person who’s just as bad as her, then I’m good with that. I’m human and I know I make mistakes. I’m flawed and I’m not always right. But I never agreed to testify against her. That was never ever my choice and it destroyed me for years after. She turned her back on me and helped my daughter judge me after I stood by her for so long. We are not the same.
But I do forgive her for my own peace of mind. I forgive her, like I always have!

Matthew chapter 18: 21-22 says that Peter asked the Lord how many times may my friends sin against me and how many times must I forgive them. The Lord answered him, I say to you not 7 times but 70 times 7.
When I think about this verse, I think about her!
I really don’t want to forgive her. But I will. I will because the devil don’t want me too. I will because I’m done with my walk of shame! But most of all, I want my freedom like God promised! I will because i choose Grace instead of retaliation, like her! I’m doing it because she doesn’t have much longer on this earth & I want both of us to have Peace before she goes!

And honestly, what I have learned in the whole grand scheme of things is that I want to do it for nothing in return. I don’t need her approval. I don’t need her validation. I don’t need her acceptance. I don’t need her apology. I don’t need her respect. I don’t even need a response. I don’t need it from anyone but myself! Anything she has, I don’t want anymore. I used to need all of that in a bad way. That’s why I kept going back to her. But I know now that she can’t give me what she does not have!

Wanda Mulvaney

Dear You,
From the day you were born, you had trouble.
Your parents always told you, “if you were the first you would have been the last.”
Your siblings always called you “fat lips” or “venus fly trap.”
Your friends always criticized you for asking “stupid” questions.
The hard truth is, you just didn’t know.
You thought you were going to be the highschool dropout, the failure of the family, the
kid that people always called “not the brightest crayon in the box” because you couldn’t read, or
write, or count, or do anything in particular.
Your looks were average, your learning capabilities were below average, so what could
you do to make it to the top of the food chain?
Absolutely nothing.
Cry yourself to sleep, harm yourself until your Mom screams at you and your Granny
tells you how disappointed she is. But it’s okay, you only wanted the attention anyway.
To feel loved, really.
You went from school, to school, to school.
Teachers could not teach,
Kids laughed at you for getting the answer wrong,
And you hated yourself.
Your favorite color was blue, you loved to read, and lacrosse was your escape from
reality.

You finally found your way up the food chain, you were athletic, you were called a
daredevil for the crazy things you did, but sometimes, you felt scared.
Mom and Dad wanted you to play lacrosse in college, but you were barely getting
through elementary school, middle school, high school. Everything was so pointless and you just
wanted to lay in bed until your Dad yelled at you to do something, anything, anywhere.
You found joy when you got two kittens. You named them Sassy and Buddy. They helped
you through the pandemic.
You got to snuggle them and they would never tell you anything that you didn’t want to
hear.
They only ever loved you.
You were diagnosed with mental disorders and learning disabilities.
Buddy had emergency surgery. He didn’t make it. Neither did your old dog, Lexi. Your
world shattered.
You vowed to cherish your animals for as long as possible. You vowed to take photos of
them whenever you could. You never know when they will leave this world.
You tried to be happy for the people around you. For your friends, your siblings, your
parents and teachers and anyone else who cared. It was always so, so hard.
You rediscovered your love for writing. Your teacher at your new school cared about you
and looked out for you. You made new friends. You committed to a college to play lacrosse. You
felt like you were healing.
You got into that college. You went to a suicide victim’s funeral, and then another. You
became angry at them, for leaving such a beautiful world. But then you remembered how ugly it
had been to you.

You moved away to college. You went to your Grand Dad’s funeral. You had a hard time
fitting in. You had to put down one of your horses at home on the farm. Your confidence was
faltering. But your academics were the only thing that mattered.
A’s and B’s. No more, no less. If you fail, your whole life would be for nothing. Your
dreams would be lost. Fail and you lose.
You enter your second year of college, and you confessed to your teammate that you
weren’t happy. You confessed to yourself at that moment, and you cried. She tells you that she
loves you, and she’ll help you get through this. Your other teammates are nicer to you, they talk
to you and involve you in things. It makes you happy to feel loved.
Even when it may not be real.
In your heart it’s real. It will help you feel better about yourself.
You vowed to love everyone so they never feel how you did for your entire life.
You vowed to heal.
Your journey isn’t over, and you have a long way to go. But through the ups and downs
you finally feel like you’re ready to find peace with yourself.
Dear You,
Thank you for loving you when no one else would.
You’ve been through so much.

Best,

16 years old being taken from my mom.
”what did I do mom?”
moving from place to place.
asking my caseworker if I’ll ever be happy again,
never getting an answer.
some places I would have to stay at,
I would get my life ripped from me.
even times where,
they would hurt me.
but every caseworker I ever had,
if I told them I would be told,
”you’re just looking for attention.”
but I wasn’t.
when I turned 18 they couldn’t find me a placement.
so they told me
we are probably gonna leave you,
to live on the streets.
that terrified me thinking, am I that horrible?
I decided I would go get a job.
if they won’t help me, I’ll help myself.
but right as I got a job
my caseworker told me I’m apparently
not allowed to get a job.
I told them I understood but kept the job behind their backs.
eventually they found a place for me.
so I packed my one bag together and went with them there.
right from the start I had my guard up.
I went to independent living apartments so I was stuck with workers still.
at least I have my own little apartment.
continuing to push myself in work and school.
learning to count on myself instead of others for help.
starting in my free time writing.
reflecting on what has all happened.
”I still don’t understand why I was treated like this.”
”this is why I wanna be a caseworker”
”show kids more respect and what kindness feels like”
now 19 years old starting college late September
moved into an adult foster home with lovely folks who I consider family.
starting to experience what happiness and love actually feels like.
loving myself for who I am.
knowing nobody needs to change for others.

Cold, antiseptic air crushes down upon my chest
as barely padded steel pushes back from the other side,
effectively pinning my teenage body to a table
in a darkened room I don’t want to be in.
A heartbeat pounds in my ears— too fast
to be mine, yet instantly mine.
I watch the screen flutter with blurred vision,
regret for what I was there to do soaking my shamed face,
igniting a fierce protectiveness older than time.
My mind reaches outward to thank God
for orchestrating my enlightenment
and the pressure dissipates, replaced by determination that’s both weightless and dense.
Visions of my future shift faster than high-frequency sound images freeze and unfreeze,
their light searing fate’s Morse code into my consciousness
and I know with absolute certainty that any plans I had dreamt up
before this moment were imagined for an alternate self—
one who wasn’t yet strong enough to tackle life for two.

Holidays, After school,
Just because or just for fun,
Anyday; was always cool.
Grandma cooking,
Granddad pranking,
Cousins always laughing, playing.
Backyard baseball, candyland,
Power Rangers, boy life was grand.
Summer vacation, so much fun!
Theater, theme parks;
the ocean, the sun!
Years go by, now moved in.
Granddad gets sick, starts to forget.
We’ve all grown, life continues,
Now Granddad is gone.
We passed the tissues.
Grandma kept cooking and caring for cousins.
Then spent nearly a year exploring and living her fullest
Sadly soon her children would go to war over her possessions.
I sat alone in that house that helped raise me and the other generations.
Watching the walls and shelves slowly go bare
Crying, no one to answer my questions.
Where will I go and who will be with me?
Who could replace the persons now missing?
Not a drug. Not a drink.
Not a man. Not a shrink.
Now, a decades gone by and the lessons grown clear.
Genetics skip a generation.
So their greatness would be saved for those they held most dear!

Dear Unsealers,

When I was married, my ex-wife and I fought a lot.

We were married for eight years, together for thirteen.

You would think we would learn to get along by then.

We tried couples therapy for almost three years, to no avail.

It came to me one day.

I never felt right with her.

I never felt as if I could tell her anything.

I hid a lot of my life from her.

She read me her journal entries.

I kept mine under lock and key.

Something inside of me told me not to trust her.

And it came to me:

I never felt like she was home to me.

I always felt out of place.

As if I weren’t welcome in her heart.

Because I never let her inside mine.

I left her the next day, for good.

I walked away from thirteen years of misery – emotional homelessness and destitution.

I could not, in my heart and soul, stay with her another day.

I thought that was the turning point of my life.

When I found a new place to live in, I felt the same.

I had not found home, even back with my family of origin.

My dad reluctantly welcomed me and threatened to kick me out several times.

I felt unwanted there, too.

When he died, I found relief.

But I still had not found home.

I was still with my loving mother, who said I always had a home with her.

She meant a domicile, not a true home.

I don’t think I knew what a home was, yet I was still trying to find it.

I searched far and wide.

I drove everywhere, speaking with the locals.

I formed tight friendships locally, sharing our lives together.

Where was home?

I still hadn’t found it.

It was not under a roof.

It was not with loved ones either.

I searched outside of myself my entire life – for four decades.

It was time that I looked for home from within.

I found that my home was bare.

I went to building and decorating.

I built on the foundation of my values – creativity, compassion, camaraderie.

I created routines that kept the home functioning.

I cleaned up the cobwebs in my mind by journaling, meditating, and reflecting.

I nurtured my interests – art, writing, mental health advocacy – and that garden flourished.

I secured my boundaries and exercised caution with whom I let inside my home.

After all this work, I realized I had only scratched the surface.

There is a lot of upkeep required.

Constant home improvement projects.

Weeding out the structures and objects that do not suit me.

Slowing down occasionally so I don’t burn out.

Making time for fun.

The work never ends, but it’s worth my time and attention.

It is my home.

I am home.

Establishing good friendships will take you far in life. Maybe places you haven’t thought of. More times than not, they’re good to have, which starts with you.

Having good people in your life requires you to be the same kind of person. A person that cares, a person that’s genuine, that person that’s supportive, and also a good friend requires honesty(just to name a few).

Just being there for someone is a great way to help build a friendship. And being good to them while you’re there is even better. Listening, hearing them out and allowing them to vent to you. Not being so critical of judgmental, but open and honest with them about the things that may come. Everyone needs love and support in life and friends are good to have for such things.

Big things doesn’t always have to be done in life and especially friendships, but the little things are a lot of times all we need. The little things say so much in a friendship. They can show support, love, and even acceptance. Whether it’s giving that person advice, inviting that person to an event, or just checking on them and seeing how they’re doing. Reminding them that they’re valuable. That can go a long way for a friendship.

So remember what it takes to be a good person and to be a good friend. Remember that others have feelings and lives as well, not just you. And remember the value of a good friend, so that you can be of good value yourself.

A life of harm done. Or so I thought.
Trauma responses from my caretakers. Fear, abandonment, deep rooted pain and dysfunction going on within my entire immediate family. I wasn’t the only one – I was just the youngest one.
Life became confusing to me, and the cycle of drugs, domestic violence & poverty kept creeping back into my life going up until my mid 20’s.
I could name a lot of different times where my life was at crossroads, and all sorts of different choices that probably changed my life, as well as major life events and losses that have occurred. Majorly, the sudden loss of my brother in September of 2020 from a drinking & driving accident.
But that wouldn’t be enough. See, it wasn’t just one turning point for me. I have been on a continual spiritual journey since November of 2010. Accepting treatment and entering the journey of healing from PTSD and substance abuse was a pivotal moment in my life for sure.
Once I released and faced all the truths about myself, confronted myself in the mirror, and walked through my past traumas with the support of all my Angels and my network here on Earth – suddenly, things started slowly shifting. Not instantly, but things got better for me. Monetary things returned. My faith returned, and my life started getting better. I’ve had a few bumps & falls but am blessed to say I got right back up.
I always thought I was a victim. I now know that I am a survivor. This mentality has majorly changed me for the better. It’s not to downplay anyone’s trauma, but to be able to say you walked away from it and are still alive to tell the story, is an inspiration to mass amounts of people still silently suffering. There is also an inner freedom found in it that I did not know existed.
Taking the time to sit with myself, go for walks, color pictures & enjoy being in the present moment. Laughing, dancing – just like a kid. I’m giving new childhood memories back to myself. I can hold on to the good memories that I have & do my best to mourn the bad. I now know what self-love is. I’m giving that back as well, and I’m giving it to my children, and any other kids that may cross my path. These are all gifts that cannot fully be explained. But certainly, all turning points in which I have chosen to walk along the paths that lead me to happiness.
I Now hold my head and shoulders up higher when I look and speak with people.
I speak up for myself, and my loved ones.
I show gratitude, kindness and respect to Mother Nature, my High Power and thank the Universe for continuously showing me that I have a purpose here on this planet. Even if others don’t see it yet.
I suppose in hindsight as I sit here in this present moment overlooking the Great South Bay of Long Island – my true Turning Point was finding ME.

Love Always,

No more hiding little bird it’s time to fly

No more crying little bird wipe your eyes

Yes you’ve died little bird, but from dust, you rise

So they’ve lied little bird let karma reverse the tied

She was mine little bird, but only for a moment in time

You’re not alone little bird open your heart, open your eyes

Seasons change little bird so don’t worry walk with pride

You are a light little bird

You are a sight little bird

You are dynamic and you exist in multiple realms

Though you started this journey with fear, baggage, and feeling lost you are found.

Custody doesn’t change your impact on her life

You are Mother

You are Warrior

You are Queen

So delight little bird for you are a Phoenix Rising

J e a l o u s y is your fallacy, never once. No I couldn’t. I wouldn’t
Gaslighting me to a T. Masquerading your way into my life.
such a beautiful story with a tragic end
So suitable and dutiful
What a fake, I’m making a big mistake
Couldn’t you see it in his eyes? All his lies, deep inside
5 years by the wayside
My story is not over see the red flags flying in front of your face. You’re such a disgrace
I am having an epiphany But he disagrees with me
This look on your face I’ve never seen before as I close the door
Well I’ve met the true you finally, excuse me kindly
Looking over my shoulder wherever I go I can’t seem to shake this feeling It sends me realing have you learned yet not to tell a lie
I’m starting to get scared. I can feel my hair standing on end Is this the end
I lie here buried finally at rest to tell my story

When you are different..
You are not the same ..
When you love for love ..
And they love for gain ..
Since a child.. I took on all of my friends ..
Like a mother.. I nurtured ..again.. and again ..
Some say ” Thankyou ” ..
Others won’t speak ..
Some are mean ..
And some are sweet ..
I fed you .. I clothed you ..
Gave you shoes off my feet ..
Brought you in the from the cold ..
And I turned up the heat ..
See when you are chosen to clean up a mess ..
You lighten their load ..
and you carry their stress ..
You don’t have to question ..
Why you are blessed ..
You give away more ..
And you take away less ..

I learned how to swallow my sighs, how to cast my eyes downward rather than rolling them into the next dimension.
I learned how to contort myself to fit within the small spaces that you found acceptable, spine jutting out, breaking off bit by bit.
I learned how to bite my tongue, drinking my own blood until my veins felt empty and my head felt light. I learned how to bleed in silence.
I learned how to tell stories in which I was the clumsy main character, always getting bumped and bruised.
I learned how to read your eyes; a lore so dark and dense and impossible to put down – a real page turner.
I learned how to fight, rarely for myself, but always for you.
I learned how to buy drugs, how much you needed to get through a weekend without clenching your fists.
I learned how to set my needs aside and, probably because of the drugs, I could never remember where I put them.
I learned how to forget myself, and because I was so utterly and completely forgotten, it was hard work to eventually learn how to remember myself.

I learned how to crawl out of your small spaces, a band aide on each vertebrae, legs stiff but muscles smiling with relief.
I learned how to stand up, get knocked down, then stand up again.
I learned how to stomp on your eggshells unafraid.
I learned how much easier it is to breathe when my terrified, swollen heart isn’t beating viciously against my lungs.
I learned how to recognize when a person is a living, breathing cage. I learned how to steal the key, how to set myself free.
I learned how to remember myself.

I was a Young man TERRIFIED of getting baptized, I was determined NOT TO DO IT, and every time I was going to do it something would come up and I couldn’t do it, Well Nov 14, 1996 I got baptized at a hotel Called Wilson World, it was a Thursday night and I was helping a young man pray through ( I would be the one getting saved) Well we drove to the hotel and I was getting changed ( I lost my Bible that night) but I went down in JESUS NAME and it was AMAZING, that night I couldn’t sleep but I still made it up for school and I TOLD EVERYONE, I had a Spanish teacher, she knew Spanish but I knew Jesus.im still serving God and the only regret was I DIDN’T DO IT SOONER.