Sami,

If only you could get a glimpse into the future to see everything you are and everything you are becoming. I don’t think you would feel the same way about yourself as you do now.

I know you look at others with admiration, as if you aren’t admirable yourself. I know you compare your body and your personality to those around you, wondering why you don’t look or act like them. You see girls hitting puberty while your chest remains flat and adolescent. Girls are getting boyfriends and you wonder why nobody wants to be with you. The class clown makes everyone laugh and although you have so much humor inside of your head, you are too afraid to let it out. You tell yourself year after year that you’ll go into school and be the person you picture yourself to be in your mind, but the insecurities, doubt, and anxiety keep you silent. You find one person who makes you feel seen and you let that be enough because you don’t feel deserving of more.

You want to know what I see in you? I see a fierce little girl who knows exactly what she wants, regardless of what the world tells her to be. You have fire, passion, and resilience within your blood, allowing you to keep going day after day. There is discipline that keeps you focused on a goal and focused on accomplishing. Although you yearn for a love that you have convinced yourself you are seeing at such a young age, there is something inside of you that knows you deserve more. A little voice within your soul that you follow, even when your brain is much louder. You can feel authenticity in moments and people, and what I see in you is someone who refuses to be anything other than that; authentic. You convince yourself you need to change in order to be better or enough, and when it doesn’t happen you feel disappointed and ashamed, but I see someone who literally cannot be anything other than herself. That is pretty admirable if you ask me.

You make decisions that align with your heart, while others let the world around them influence what they want. You understand the role your past plays and that allows you to make such a deep connection to those you let in. A kind of understanding and empathy most can’t fathom. There is something about you that makes someone feel so seen, yet you refuse to truly see yourself.

These years of feeling unwanted, ashamed, and insecure won’t last forever. It is these very years that will shape you into such a badass woman who is so determined to find a genuine love, that she will fall completely in love with herself and everything she is. A woman that has found so much power in being herself that there is nobody else she admires to be anymore.

You have always been enough, Sami, and you are the only one who needs to believe it.

Stars and Stripes Gymnastics Academy,

You gave me a home outside of home. Somewhere I could release my anger and frustrations through power and strength. You taught me discipline and how great the reward can be when you stick to something and commit. Through you, I learned how to listen to what my body is asking for while also pushing the limits of what I think I can do with it. Because of you, I pushed through pain, building resilience against things that hurt me. You taught me that my mind is more powerful than anything else and that the mind controls the body. I learned just how incredible and strong my body can be when I don’t let my mind get in the way. I found friends, laughter, memories, and a place to release my inner child and my inner fire. You gave me a place to be myself.

You also instilled an expectation of perfection in me that has been hard to break. You put me in a position to be judged for years, a feeling that bled through my body as it changed. A mindset that being perfect was always the goal, and while a part of that was true when I spent time with you, I carried it within me outside of you.

After leaving you, I spent years wondering if I was good enough. How can I be a perfect ten? Can I attain the perfection I trained for as an adolescent? How do I stop trying to be so perfect? I stretched, strengthened, conditioned, cried, flipped, fell, bent, broke, and quit while spending time with you. I could say that you shaped me into who I am today. You fed something within me, and I will always love and appreciate you for that, but you also broke me. I don’t blame you though, because it was a part of my journey. I know now that sometimes you break in order to come back stronger, and that is exactly what I did.

Thank you, Stars and Stripes Gymnastics Academy, for teaching me mind-body connection. I appreciate you showing me that there are no limits when fear is not around. You helped the version of me that is writing this letter recognize how important physical activity is and just how far a little discipline goes. Thank you for being a place where I could release and be free. Most importantly, thank you for sending me on a journey to true self-love and acceptance. Because of you, I can blend my dedication and drive with my recognition of rest and patience. I know that for me, the best outlet for releasing unacknowledged energy is through exercise. I know that there is no such thing as perfect, but that my love for my imperfections is exactly what makes me perfect. Saying goodbye was so hard because you helped shape me into the person I am today. You will always be a piece of me, and I love you for that.

Yours truly,

Sam