A Letter to Myself:

Oftentimes, you become agitated with the shadow attached to yourself. Why do you walk that way? Carry yourself that way? Why do you choose to carry on with as many times as you’ve failed; with as many times as you’ve been let down, rejected and disappointed?

It has taken years of integrating your own shadow to truly love and shower gratitude upon yourself. It has taken years to appreciate your body and mind; to recognize your own strength and resilience. It has taken time to learn that your body is not something that should be abhorred and desecrated, but something that should be nourished, cherished and upheld.

You’ve witnessed far too much for anything to surprise you any longer, yet you still take the time to search for magic and romance among your mundane, daily tasks. You’ve bared your teeth and soul. Sometimes out of survival, sometimes out of desire.

After everything that has happened to you, you deserve to be spitting angry. You deserve to leave claw marks. You deserve your rage. But you chose instead to alchemize and speak softness into the world, to leave a mark of kindness rather than vindictiveness.

Crawling into the depths of oneself can be intimidating. You may not look into the mirror the same way afterwards. You may question everything you’ve known to be true. It may leave you reeling in the aftermath of grief, discovery, and the shedding of one’s skin.

You accomplished it all with grace.

You wake up every morning and choose yourself. You make the conscious decision to not allow your past to consume and define you. Instead, you choose to brew yourself a cup of coffee and speak lovingly into it. You choose to bestow only kind words upon yourself and allow the feelings to pass as they need to. You provide yourself the space and time that others won’t grant.

I tuck myself into bed each night knowing that I have done what I could with what I have. I clutch my pillow knowing that I love myself in ways that others cannot, or choose not to. I bury myself beneath blankets in the dark with the truth that I’ve chased my dreams. Sometimes the dreams are so close that I can caress them, other times they are state lines and galaxies away. I fall asleep knowing myself.

And sometimes I think that’s more than enough to be thankful for.

Love,

Samantha