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rachandthecity submitted a contest entry to Write a letter or poem to your younger self sharing what you love most about him/her 2 months, 2 weeks ago
To you, to me, to us:
To you, to me, to us:
When I think about you, I do not remember much. I remember sadness—a lot of it. But I do not know why and I want you to know that I have been on the search for the reason ever since I understood that hearts can, in fact, be broken. I joke a lot about how my heart, your heart, our heart has been broken since we entered into the world. A sparkly bandaid that I like to put over the wound. We still love sparkles.
I am sorry for all of the fear. I am sorry for all the ways I held you back. Stayed small. Kept quiet. Didn’t get into trouble. Because Dad would yell. Mom would cry. I would cry. You would cry. We would cry.
There are days when I think we knew too much and then days when I think we knew nothing at all. This is still a common occurrence. Did your feet ever feel like they were on the ground? Because mine still do not.
I miss twirling around, in a tutu, carefree. I wonder if we didn’t do enough of that. If we did, would I still be longing for that feeling?
Every time I think of you, you’re wearing pink. Your light brown, thin hair is disheveled, and your bangs are ever so slightly tangled between your long eyelashes. You’re wearing ballet slippers. Your skin is porcelain and so soft, untouched. Your little, round belly hanging over your tutu. The days before you learned what it felt like to want to flatten it and roll your shoulders back to try so hard to be tall and thin. The days before you needed to learn how to self-soothe. I want you to know that you did a good job. I want you to know that I am proud of you. The times when you did talk back and got in trouble. Even if you shied away not long after. I want you to know I am proud of your independence. Even if we are still just a little scared of a lot of things.I want you to know that we now make an abundance of noise. Every day. And although we are not in a tutu, we are still whirling and twirling around under a disco ball with our favorite songs playing over loudspeakers in a dark room with pretty lights. And we are far from silenced.
We use our voice. We use our words to show people that they don’t have to just self-soothe. They don’t have to stay small.
We use our body too. The one that over the years suffered an incredible amount of dislike. I am sorry about that too. But we learned, just how strong we are. Mentally and physically and I am sorry it took me so long to honor every little piece of you because when I look back, I see that you are stronger than I gave you credit for and if it wasn’t for you twirling around in your little pink tutu, I wouldn’t be here now. You wouldn’t be here now. Thankful for all of the self-soothing. For all of the hurt. The search for love that ended in heartbreak which then ended in strength.
Thank you for your resilience. I hope to continue to make you, me, us, proud.Voting starts September 27, 2024 12:00am
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I am sorry you had to experience so much pain and hurt in your life but I am glad that you are healing. I hope you know you are not alone and you are joined by many whirling, twirling people under the disco ball who would never want to hurt you. Keep being unapologetically you.
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