Boom, boom, boom.
My heart took the lead,
Beating so hard it shook my wary voice when I went to speak.
My worst fears came true,
And suddenly this man became a man I thought I knew.
It’d been right all along,
This nagging inner voice telling me something was really wrong.
The voice that told my body to be on high alert,
To stop eating, stop sleeping,
Preparing for the impending hurt.
The pain that came wasn’t only about the betrayal, but also what all the lies that came to light had unearthed.
In the weeks and months that followed,
I was forced to pick up the pieces of my shattered heart,
And to reflect on the feelings and thoughts I had long since swallowed.
I had realized that the greatest betrayal I had suffered was not done by another at all.
It was me who caused the most hurt to myself,
It was me who orchestrated my own downfall.
I made up excuses, called myself crazy, and self-abandoned.
I kept quiet and told myself that what I already knew couldn’t have possibly happened.
As I sat in my grief,
I decided to allow it to change me.
I allowed it to seep into my veins,
Shake me to my core.
I invited it to lift the chains to my heart and show me all the wounds I had not healed before.
I wanted it to unleash the floodgates and bring the rain,
Wash out what no longer served me,
Wash out what could no longer remain.
If I were to heal from this,
I must heal from it all.
Everything that ever led me to believe I was unworthy,
Everything that ever made me believe that to be loved, I had to make myself small.
The decision to dive deep within,
To face the darkest parts of myself,
So much to uncover, not knowing where to begin, only knowing that my pain was demanding to be felt.
This decision alone unlocked the understanding and acceptance I’ve always searched for and made me finally see,
That to be truly seen and fully loved by another means I first need to truly see and love me.
And so I began,
I became my own best friend.
I indulged in things that awakened my soul,
Things like singing, dancing, and writing,
And I focused on the things only I could control.
I focused on changing the self-stories I lived by,
From discouraging and negative to ones that came from love and light.
I focused on holding myself in times of worry, sadness, and doubt,
Rather than running away from it all or giving that power to somebody else.
I now observe my thoughts as thoughts and acknowledge my feelings for what they are,
I connect peacefully with nature, and when my mind does wander, I don’t let it go far.
Now all the tears I cry,
Give water to the lush garden I’ve planted inside my mind.
Through the pain, I chose love instead of bitterness,
Love for myself and for others,
Trading resentment for forgiveness.
It’s been a journey, and it still is,
Learning to trust myself enough to get through all of life’s challenges.
Through it all,
I’ve come to know,
That it truly is a gift to feel such deep pain, love, loss, and sorrow.
I now more often choose to live my life through love instead of fear,
And when I choose this way,
My decisions become much more clear.
So now I thank life for giving me the gift of grief,
For it has taught me to always let my heart take the lead.

Since I was young,
I dreamed and dreamed of a day,
Where I’d find adventure,
And it would lead me away.
An experience to take me out of my comfort zone,
I dreamt of adventuring with someone,
Not just on my own.
I made up stories to write about,
I fantasized, romanticized, until my dream of adventure appeared in a time of doubt.
Falling at my fingertips,
There it was.
In the form of another,
Through a screen,
Unexpectedly, I met my dream.
On life’s journey, at the same pace as me,
We happened upon each other,
While in separate countries.
I asked the world; what does this mean?
And it replied that the answer lies in the depth of life’s mysteries.
To know true meaning,
One must immerse themselves in the unknown.
And with that, I leaned in further and further until my heart whispered, ” Let’s go!”
Because dreams and adventure are about diving in, letting go, and figuring it out,
So I dove,
I let go, submerged myself in the murky water below.
I got lost,
And fell in love;
And so began the greatest adventure I’d ever known.
We went exploring,
Saw alligators and Grizzlies,
We hiked the Appalachians and wandered the magnificent Rockies.
We visited new cities and tried delicious food,
We decided on forever and in font of a mountainous backdrop exchanged “I do’s.”
As in many adventures sometimes you lose your way,
He took a wrong turn in the dark,
And I ended up caught in the rain.
Trudging through the mud that wanted to bring me down,
I heard the wind whisper to me that at times we have to be lost in order to be found.
To walk the woods o the unknown,
To weather the rain, the wind, the snow.
To learn that with love there comes pain,
And life’s challenges bring experience to gain.
This is what gives ‘living’ life,
Finding myself in the depths of the mud realizing I had never felt more alive.
I knew now what the wind meant and what I was made to go through.
I was meant to find myself alone and afraid, so once beyond the rain,
I could look at myself and say,
“You are strong, you are brave”
And know it to be true.
Beyond the darkness and the storm,
I viewed my dream in a new form.
I was no longer scared of going the adventure on my own,
And it was when I was afraid that I’d really grown.
I kept walking the path,
Not knowing if our shared adventure would last, hoping we’d find our way back.
Back to each other, changed on our own journey.
And there he was wanting to repair and continue adventuring with me.
We interlocked fingers, walking hand in hand,
We spoke of the hurt and sought to understand.
And thus I had my dream come true,
And the dream hasn’t stopped.
I dreamt of adventure,
And adventure is exactly what I got.