You did not deserve that. You didn’t realize it at the time, but you and her both had to go through it, for something bigger that made no sense to you at all. It was understandable why you felt the way that you did, but you have no idea how wrong you were. You were not a meek little girl with no chance of happiness in your life, although you couldn’t see that yet. You were always worthy of being loved.

Our half-siblings stood behind you in the bedroom doorway in the middle of the night, watching the crash of our parents’ marriage. Our father grabbed the heavy glass ashtray with old cigarettes butts still in it and threw it across the room, aiming for our mother.

She ducked and the ashtray hit the wall and shattered to pieces, along with any last string of hope they had for each other. She shut the door and told him to choose us or the alcohol.

He chose alcohol. He also told her that you were coming with him and when she fought him on it, they held you suspended in the air, asking who you wanted to go with. How could they ever think that was fair? You were three years old and had no idea what you wanted. You picked the first person you made eye contact with, which was mom, and you chose to stay with her. You made your bed and would surely lie in it, but one day, it would all make sense.

After dad left, she became a single mother of three children and we grew up in unsafe and poor neighborhoods. We were constantly moving homes because rent was raised or she wasn’t able to pay the bills. We were on a constant loop of moving places and schools and going to stay with friends or family.

On our 10th birthday, she was about to leave for work and was crying. She told us she felt guilty that she could only afford one cupcake and one Barbie doll, unwrapped. We knew how tight money was, so this meant even more and we were so excited for the gift. She may not have known it, but we really looked up to her for working so hard to put a roof over our heads, regardless of the moving, lack of birthday gifts, and the amount of time she was away for work.

There was a point that it all changed and she broke. Growing up, we knew she had depression and it ran in her side of the family, but we didn’t know what we were going to learn when we got older. I know that there isn’t anything in this world that you wanted more than for her to show up as a mother.

When you told her about being sexually abused by a family member, she told you that your siblings didn’t believe you and found out years later, she never told them. When you told her about a different family member trying to touch you, she said he did that to her all the time, and she wasn’t surprised…and yet she let you stay the night there.

In the beginning of 7th grade, she picked you up from school telling you that she met a guy online, was in love and was moving that night to go live in another state to be with him. She offered for you to go with her or with her brother and his wife. This will be the best thing that has ever happened to you.

With both of your parents leaving you, you’ll wonder how anybody could ever love you if the people that were programmed to love you couldn’t. You’ll go through many long years fighting abandonment issues, depression and anxiety.

When you are 18, you’ll be reunited with your long-lost father. You will learn that you have a 50% chance of having Huntington’s disease, which is a genetic neurological disease in his family. You’ll learn that there isn’t a cure, it attacks any part of your brain it wants to, and you’ll be faced with a choice to get tested at 18.

You had to go through it all to become the brave woman that you are. You’ll choose to get tested and will be diagnosed, but it won’t hold you back in life. You’ll find the best man who adores you and knows how deserving of love you are.

You will use writing as a coping mechanism to help deal with the chaos after she left, and you will fall deeply in love with words, hoping to help heal others through them.

She had to go through her own journey, and so did you to see how beautiful life was going to be.