Do you remember? Remember the time before hurt or anxiety, little one? Was it before or after what must be part of the blockage that I put in motion well before I should have? Before I unwillingly summoned an entire spellbinding on myself so it wouldn’t hurt anymore. When the crickets outside still sang me to sleep. So, do you?
What were we before we became the product of perceptions? Perceptions that weren’t even of us, but of another? When did the day become “how much longer was it before we ate”, or how long we had before the scares of the night became heard once the day lost its light?
I need you to remember, solely because it wasn’t your fault little lamb, it never was.
She was the one with the gift for you. The one who needed to protect and nourish. She was also the one who failed to exhibit these attributes and passed along the wrath of darkness and loneliness instead. I am sorry that I cannot piece together the frames of playing toys or catching leaves in the fall. I do not recall dinners, dancing, or even colors left behind in these stitched-in patches of what seems to be a lifetime ago. I needed her guidance so that you would not need this once you turned into me. This is going to be a long journey my dear sweet self. This will hurt, and it will be full of trauma. Please do not think that this will be rainbows and butterflies. The colors will lose their shine, and the butterflies turn into cicadas while everything becomes louder each day. I need you to know that when you start to push them away and stay safe by isolating…it’s not your fault. There will be days full of sorrow that feel like months of escaping quicksand just to stay grounded. Days you lose yourself in the grief of what you did not deserve and balancing the edges of self-doubt and destruction from a belief that you did deserve it after all.
You didn’t deserve this. It wasn’t your fault.
The parts of your skin that make you wish could shed, to be able to cleanse yourself of the dirt they stained you with. I wish I could turn back time and put visions of drawings and grades on the refrigerator instead of past due bills and “I’ll be home later” notes left everywhere. I am sorry your childhood is gone, and it all turned black and white while you deserved the rainbows. The bruises, scars, and burns…they are your story. You prospered and gave your all. Through all the weaknesses and valleys of pure defeat, you dragged yourself through the trenches and piled all those stones and sticks they weighed you down with and you made an entire ladder to reach your higher self and see through the inherited version you believed you had become.
There will come a time when you start to remember fragments of fond memories that don’t burn through like lava, and you will be faced with the decision to honor them or block the images altogether any and every time they come along. The truth is the fondness of what was is more harmful than the acceptance of what is. What was, is what could have been and was taken, what is, is the reality of who and what you have turned into today?
When you flinch, it is not your fault. When you feel alone, you do Not deserve this. When you look down and still see the tar left behind from crawling your way out, remember…You are the one who forged the ladder, found the sword, and became the hero of all those stories you missed out on when it mattered. Please know that these doubts, nightmares, and wounds make you undefined. You are not of any guidelines or master’s any longer. This is because you find your voice. You find your light. You bloom from the darkness and reflect the universe in the light. You, little lamb…are made of Magick. The Stars and the moon will keep you safe, and the sounds of the crickets will help you sleep. You find your true colors only by finding yourself and becoming thankful for the pain. The darkness can no longer hold you in fear once you come to peace with the voids.

Dear My Younger Self,

Before I start this letter of conversation, always remember, Christ loves you, lean on him for strength, everything in life has a purpose. No matter how much the pain from the heavy storms with life experiences, lean on Christ. Prayer works, when it is for you and if prayers are not answered, it is not for you or not the time. The ugly life experiences, the traumatic event that changed your mind set, not to trust anyone . The time when, your body was violated and you knowing how to see and feel your self worth, value and forgiveness. Read the Bible you will see life in a different perspective. Don’t just read the Bible, Read the Bible for your self and study it, don’t just read it, study it. It is a guide from GOD about life, how to live life and about himself, GOD(Jesus).
Now, the conversation, Life is not going to be easy, it’s not a fairy tale and will have pain. I am proud of you, you are stronger than you think and know of. I am proud of the strength you have within you, I respect you and love you. You never let life experiences to form who you are. With time, you will see the beauty of your strengths. You will learn how to use the ugly pain for peace. You are not a follower and you are a very generous person, love people, places and things. You are beautiful inside and out. You don’t need validation from no one but GOD. I thank you for always being you and true to yourself. I am proud that I am you, you are not concerned about what others say, think and look upon you. Don’t worry or be stressed about the future, you will be okay even through the heavy storms. I am proud of you and you are going to be okay. You are going to have disappointments, people will let you down and may not be there for you how you expect them to. You will feel so much disappointments from lack of loving self first after loving GOD. After you love yourself you will see a life change with people and family. Which is okay, you are stronger than you think and know of. You are beautiful inside and out, you are full of talents. Don’t ever give up on yourself, it all will be worth it, you are worth it and you are a great value in life.
You can do it all with Christ by your side always. It’s okay to have a small circle of friends, it’s for your best. It’s okay to be you, don’t be afraid to be who you are. You are going to have a lot of ups and downs, all apart of life lessons. I am proud of you for being a strong , passionate and full of love. You can research information on your own as well. You are not afraid to pray, acknowledge Christ and not ashamed. You have come a long way from being shy developing into an open minded and out spoken person. You have grown into a beautiful flower that was once wilted, now standing tall and proud to be herself. At one point of life you hated your life and didn’t want to live life and thought of negative thoughts. The day you allowed Christ and was Baptized, was the day I found me. You are more important than what you think and know of. Don’t worry about yourself, you will be okay through it all. You are made in the image GOD wanted you to be. Family will not see you for who you are as well and that is okay.
Family, these days don’t know what the meaning is no more. What love is, supporting each other and respect. You will go through a lot of heart aches from family and people around you, especially men. Don’t rush into nothing, no matter what it is, take your time. I am proud of the way you know not to panic, keeping your faith even through the most hardest, heaviest and most difficult times. There are a few life experiences that will drain you, but, you will get through it all. Keeping your faith is not always easy and can be done just as it is written in the Bible. GOD will show you a lot about life that will uplift your life, mind, body, soul and spirit. One more thing, never let go of Christ hands, he will always protect you, guide you and love you. God is an amazing beautiful spirit and loves us all.

P.S. I am proud of you and never forget that I am.

Hope M Isom
October 25, 2024

I remember wondering to myself at a young age, “I wonder if someone will save me,”? If in fact i was becoming an unstitched book filled pages of memories and feelings left unsaid and my curious imagination took me page by page no real order searching for structure and the ability to leave chapters where they had actually ended. I had lost my breathe more times than i can remember in moments that were never to really supposed to last and I’ m honestly sorry to the parts if me that wanted closure but my head and heart were at war with loose ends and clutered corners unfulled dreams waiting for the day I wanted to become my own hero and no one was coming to save me or clean up the messes i let the cat drag in. I am proud of you in the most humble and sincere way, I am aways going to want you to love what you’re doing and do what you love, I hope you keep your heart and mind open because life is happening for you not to you. always oxox

A silenced bird, my wings clipped tight,
Afraid to soar, afraid to take flight.
My voice, a whisper, lost in the noise,
Afraid to speak, afraid to rejoice.

I learned to hide, to blend in the crowd,
My thoughts and feelings float like a cloud.
Afraid to be different, afraid to be seen,
A prisoner of silence, a captive queen.

But now I rise, with newfound strength,
My voice unbroken, my spirit unbent.
I will speak my truth, no longer afraid,
To claim my power, unafraid.

My childhood trauma inspired me to stand up and make a difference.
I no longer shy away in fear; I speak up for my better interests.

Speaking my truth allowed me to be free,
Unbeknownst to those who spoke less of me.
I never felt content with keeping the peace,
My little voice no longer brings me to my knees.

You deserve so much better than lies and deceit,
A listening ear to help you get back on your feet.
Matters of trust always seem to get in your way,
Unknowing who was temporary and who was here to stay.

Only you can tell your story and forget the opinions of others,
Nothing can hold you back; remain strong like your mother.
Your voice is so powerful it grants you the ability to lead,
Walking in your truth gracefully is how you’ll succeed.

I know this journey wasn’t easy, and I’m glad you never quit,
You’re as resilient as they come, a bold display of grit.
Always remember the truth will set you free,
Continue living loudly, proudly, and as authentic as you can be!

Dear Younger Self,
You should know that even though you do not have many friends or that being popular is something you will not ever achieve, there will come a time when you have so many friends it will be difficult to manage. Currently, my phone is filled with messages from friends all around the state and country. The boys and girls who make fun of you will eventually apologize to you. They’ll realize how awful they treated you because they will have children of their own whom they wish to protect from people like the bullies they were.
It seems that I have begun to write even more than I ever did at your age with journals filled up and a book in the process. This leads to a reflection of how I evolved as a writer. The journals you write in now, I still have and keep them in my storage unit. I am still living in the same house you are in right now. I moved back after a short marriage and divorce. Love seems to be the one area we have not mastered.
I am writing this letter to you as a way to give you confidence in who you are and who you will become. When I was your age, (I know how that sounds) I always felt left out. In the future, though, we emerge as confident and we embrace our inner nerd. I love Star Wars, shows about dragons, and even documentaries! People approach us to ask our advice as we are a leader in our field. We advocate for others and always help students and children because we decide to become a teacher. Teaching is the one place we feel confident and respected.
I hope when you read this, it arrives when you need it the most. It will arrive when the popular kids are teasing you and you feel like there’s no way you will be surrounded by friends. I am here to give you hope. My life is filled with lots of loving and caring friends. We talk and message one another, travel together, at out to restaurants together and you will become so busy with all the wonderful people in your life that we create a Heart Map. It will encompass so much love.
I will leave you with this: Life is full of challenges, but also full of love, friendship, family, and respect. Keep smiling and being you. Someday you will step into the light and realize all you are is enough and it is wonderful.

Love,
Your Older Self

Dear Part of Me,

Part of me yearns for you to recognize that life will be a journey… and that we will be plenty of versions of ourselves. Nothing is ever set in the stone pillars we can sometimes surround ourselves with. We will reach new heights, but we also may become lost and take a few steps back. This is okay. 

Part of me wants to tell you every single thing that happens, to warn you and prep you. But with this attempt at future-telling would deplete the worldliness you will gain with every flaw, setback, and triumph. Sometimes we have to realize things on our own, in our own time. This takes patience.

Part of me feels if I tell you to love yourself and give yourself grace, you wouldn’t believe me anyway. You think you deserve this pain and somewhere along the way, you learned this need for self-punishment. The scars on your body are now reminders; with every cut, gash, scrape that have since healed. You will live with these reminders, while I leave you with this promise…

There are things in life that happen, magic happens. When your favorite song comes on the radio by chance, or when you pour soda in a glass and the foam juuust reaches the top without fizzing over… and when you feel the interconnectedness of the universe; the tap of a drumstick on a snare that travels through the body and reverberates sounds of music through the vast open air to your ears where you feel… at one with yourself. You are at one because you know you are part of more. While life doesn’t get easier, we get stronger. ​

Find your strength. Find your truth. Keep keeping on. And always wear eye cream… because you can only prevent, you can’t undo.

With love,
Part of You

To Catherine:

Honestly, I didn’t think you would ever get there.
I always knew you were going to make it work, I never doubted that, but going to the place takes courage.
Not that I didn’t think you were courageous.
You’ve just always been so nice.
Being nice has always been your superpower but it holds you back. How could you get to the truth when you are always so easy to stomp?
You proved me wrong.
You did it nicely.
You made it to the place without having to do it at someone else’s expense.
Sometimes on your own.
The crimes that have been done to you were not fair nor easy to move forward from, but you still did it.
I find it impressive.
I thought you had to be a certain type of person to move there, one that’s not selfless because how could a selfless person achieve anything for themselves?
You did it with blows to the face.
I’m sorry I doubted you, but thank you for doing it anyway.
It taught me something about myself that I’m not proud of.
That I make assumptions about people.
That nice people get walked all over until they aren’t nice anymore.
But you never had shame wiping the dirt off people’s feet.
You did it pridefully.
You wanted to, that was helping you help yourself get there.
I get it now.
Thank you for not getting discouraged, I know I must have not been helpful in that way.
I know I wanted to make fun of you for being who you are.
Thank you for showing me the way.
I’m going to follow you with the same compassion for others.
I’ll take the punches you did and I’ll make it there just as honestly.
I don’t need to be the type of person I thought I did to get there.
I just need to be nice, like you.
Thank you.
You were really nice to me when I needed you and I never forgot it.
See you when I get there.
I’m sorry I teased you when we were kids.
You didn’t deserve that.

From: Catherine

Never would I say I was bad, but mischievousness could get in the way.
A scrambled brain teenager; put me in a skillet
I was burning out of control.
Fifteen years old and I was ready to go, not to a dance; not to school,
or a planned activity.
You see I wanted to end it all for me.
What was on my mind that day?
In that apartment I sat silently – by myself.
My thoughts overwhelming, refusing to leave me alone.
I walked into the bathroom looked into the mirror, and only
saw disappointment – a young girl’s failure
Who could I make proud, who would believe in me?
Hands shaking, lips quivering I opened the cabinet door.
I saw pills, and pills galore
This is the end; I can’t take much more.
Life at that time was mean; I no longer wanted to be seen.
Yet, I was only fifteen
What was on my mind that day?
I vaguely, remember; only that my stomach was so sore.
Please stop pushing, push me no more!
God didn’t take me
Life tried to break me, confusion had me twisted as a pretzel
and imagining my family would be better off without me.
I knew that they loved me.
Whatever the reason I wasn’t standing on solid ground
I was trapped in a mudslide I was going down.
The confidence, the strength and the power you see today
it comes from that fifteen-year-old teenager who almost gave life away.

Imagine this…You are a newly married couple and are told “You can’t have children. Everything we have tried has failed. There is one more option.” The young couple chooses the last option and it is adoption. They foster to adopt several children before being told in December of 1997, “There is a 4 day old baby that needs you.” They foster this baby and then, about a year later, are told “Hey, that baby has 2 older sisters you are bringing home too.”
Now imagine this. you are a 2 year old child who has endured more than a 2 year old should and you don’t trust anyone or anything.
That was me. It took me a very long time to earn my foster mom’s trust because of the physical and mental abuse and neglect I sustained before being removed from the home. I am so glad I earned my foster mom’s trust because she and her husband went on to become our adoptive parents and this past September, we celebrated 25 years of our adoption. Two of us kids have families of our own and me…well, let’s just say I am taking my time and spending as much time as I can with my parents. Just remember, trust is hard to earn, easy to lose, and easy to love.