September 04, 2024
Hello fellow humans,
I’d ask how you’re all doing, but I think from the majority of you I’d receive a lie. Not because you want to lie, but because you feel like you “have to”. You’d feel compelled to tell me “I’m fine” so I don’t get uncomfortable with the burden of carrying a piece of your truth. You’d smile even though your heart is heavy with worry. You’d wish me well and carry on, because that’s what we’ve been taught to do.
But, what if I told you there is nothing in your adult life that you “have to” do? What if you liberated yourself from the notion that you owe anything to anyone? What if you were free to roam about the world as your most authentic self?
That sounds insane, I know. I can hear you already, “oh so you don’t have to follow laws?”, “ you don’t have to pay bills?”, “you don’t have to be a kind person?”. In short, no. Would there be unsavory consequences to not doing those things? Absolutely. Would I wholeheartedly advise you to still be a productive and honest member of society? Absolutely. But, when you break it down, in every decision, you have a choice. Every. Decision.
So where would this altered thinking come in handy? We’ve established we aren’t breaking laws or becoming complete a-holes. How about when you’re asked to stay that extra hour, unpaid, at work? Would your first thought be, well I would have to or I would lose my job? Strike the have to. You have made yourself believe that you’d lose the job. That’s not a certainty, and even if it was, do you really want a job that consistently takes you for granted?
How about when that friend that treats you like garbage asks you to go out? You have to because you’ve known them for years? Nope. If you’ve filled your comfort zone with people that make you uncomfortable, it’s time to bust down some walls of societal pressure and get the heck out of there.
What about the biggest “have to” of all? I have to because they’re my family. Ask yourself, did you choose these people that abuse you? No, you didn’t. I want to be clear, I know that families have all kinds of quirks and histories that we learn to love each other through. That’s the nature of the bond, to love them through their messy because they’ll love you through yours. This applies to the ones that aren’t holding up their end of the deal. The ones that manipulate you into believing that you have no choice but to accept however they treat you because they happen to share the same DNA. You didn’t choose them, so you have every right to choose not to allow them in your life. This does not make you the villain, even if that’s how they tell the story. Period.
I know, it’s hard. It’s hard to reprogram your brain from years of being told that to be kind is to be utterly selfless. You can do it though. You can create a life that suits you and brings you joy, a life that is free from obligation and therefore truly authentic. And what you’ll find is that deep down our nature is to be loving, our nature is to care for others and want to help where we can, our nature is to choose kindness. We aren’t these evil creatures we’ve been guilted into believing we are born as. We just become them when we stop feeling like our life is our own.
Well, that’s the lesson I felt compelled to share for the brief moment I have your attention. I wish you all the peace that comes from living free from the weight of “have to”. You don’t have to take this letter to heart, but I really hope you do.
With love,
Natasha