I was finally ready to lay myself down to sleep
Permanently dance in shadow time
Sobbing uncontrollably, all alone 
Overtaken and consumed by the illness and trauma by which I was defined

Everything planned out from top to bottom on the 11 Eve of June
Exhausted and overloaded with the things I could not bury, I would surrender under the full moon

Calculating and coordinating every goodbye to the few I thought loved me back
I sent them all my last Hail Mary, hoping someone could talk me out of making my final attack

I sent the goodbye poem to three people, two of whom had saved me before from an OD
Not one of them called or texted; their silence was deafening

I realized then what I always knew: I came into this world alone, and I will leave it the same
With a sense of peace sweeping over me, I realized there are no winners in life’s game

None of this even matters; there is no rhyme or reason to it all
It’s meaningless to find the meaning; it does not matter if or how you rise or fall

I had a couple of weeks left until that beautiful moon would hold me, comfort me in my end
She was my peace, my symbol, the source of my power, my one and only steady friend 

I sobbed so hard on Wednesday that it moved quickly into Thursday at 5am
My body was damaged, my mind was numb, my eyes so swollen that my tears were banned

I meditated and tried to find my center, stewing in a bath of juniper and rose
I met a woman with wild gray hair. I was flown to her on the back of a crow.
She told me I was on the right path and all was going according to plan  
The reason God never rescued me the times I needed him was because I was her lion, not his lamb

She said there are things she needs to show me, to follow her lead
My child, be patient; you have come so far, and it has taken you long enough, but at last you finally found me.

By pure happenstance, I mentioned the visit to my boyfriend; he showed me a picture of The Morrigan
The goddess of death, war and rebirth chose me, one of her children

The parents I never had, the lifetime of abuse from everybody that I have ever loved 
Was all destiny to prepare me for the war 
I was not meant to be soft; I was being conditioned to be resilient and rough

I never had an interest in fairytales; a princess life was never my style
I am a warrior built for battle. I will stab you in the throat, and as you bleed out; I will smile

I always thought I was haunted by demons who wanted me dead
She was a demon goddess calling to me, preparing me to eliminate any threats
She is not very friendly,quite to the point in every visit we have ever had
She may be a demon in her story, but compared to the humans I have loved she is not that bad