Hello, past self

It’s been some time since we really spoke and looked back on our decisions. We live day to day relying on new things happening to continue our story. Everything we see, we are the only ones who experience it, the only ones who feel it the way we feel and touch the things we touch. Every person on this earth is the main character in their story that includes you, or us.

The day you experience love, only you can understand how it feels, what you see, and how you touch. It can be filled with sun rays shining against sun-kissed skin and heads thrown back soaking in the light. Eyes closed seeing nothing but the sunlight seeping through the thin folds of your eyelids. Feeling the embrace of a new beginning, you are hoping for it to stay a while. Arms wrapped around you that say, “I accept you for your flaws, your past, and our future”. A warm embrace, a healing light, a clear view of the other side. The side where we claim it is greener. Maybe it is green, but it can also make you shiver from the darkness, loneliness, and cold. The high from the beginning of love can make you feel whole, and together again. There are no more problems that can affect the way you are floating in space, drifting, following where this new adventure can take you. Slowly, drops of reality start raining on you. First, it is a light sprinkle that can be defended by a conversation or two. Next, it’s a thunderous storm that a mere flimsy structure cannot stand against. Gray clouds surround you. You have floated too high. The storm clouds claim you and distort judgment. The crackling of words that weren’t supposed to be said; the flash of things that weren’t supposed to be done. Everything is swirling around fast, very fast. The wind picks you up and slams the foundation that was supposed to last you a lifetime. Another boundary is broken. Another line crossed. You questioned how this has happened, how you were so blinded by the light to not see the shadows of your unloveable qualities sneaking through your mouth and actions. The small things like expectations and trauma lace your vulnerable conversations. A heavy drop in your chest falls to your stomach, and slips to your feet, the happiness being absorbed into the earth; where it belongs. You’re reaching, reaching for the right words to get back what was lost; reaching for memories and dreams that once made you feel like you have the strength of one-hundred men; reaching for the sunlight that once grazed your skin. Every laugh is lost, every tear of joy is taken for granted, all of it, down to the last molecule. Rotting away in the bed where soul searching happened, where you experienced the comfort of someone who you saw as an angel sent to help you grow out of childish expectations. Maybe it was meant to be like this? Maybe they are busy with their visits to trauma and their fair share of fear. Or is it the angle they see us from, we will never know?

As you in the future, I want you to know that fleeting moments should be savored and kept close to you, but do not hold the person you once knew. Some things were not meant to exceed the phase of life you are currently in. The boy was supposed to show you how life could be. Life gets brighter as long as you do, lights get warmer, and the moments that go by so quickly seem to slow down time. I promise you.

With love,