It’s been almost a month now. In some ways it’s easier. I cry less, and the span of time between thoughts of you is ever-expanding.

It hurting less though hurts more, if that makes sense. Like it’s ok you’re gone.

It’s not.

I keep thinking about everything I could have done better. Cliche, I know.

I’m happy you stayed long enough to meet my baby girl, that there was a cross fade between your two lives because in a way it means you’ll live on forever in our family. There will always be pictures of you and her in our home. There will always be memories entrenched with your energy.

But the timing was so hard on you. So many days your being was a disturbance or a distraction to a newborn baby and a newborn mama, so I kept you in a separate room after so many years of doing everything side by side.

I kept saying, tomorrow.

Tomorrow I’ll spend time with you. Tomorrow I’ll take you on a walk. Tomorrow I’ll get on the floor and scratch your ears the way you like. Tomorrow I’ll take you to the vet to check out the cut on your elbow.

Fourteen years together can make one complacent. Fourteen years together made me delusional with a subconscious belief there’d be fourteen more.

Your body had other plans. Your spirit was tired. You were ready.

And when the time came I was the only terrified one, the only heartbroken one, the only hesitant one. You were, and you are, so at peace.

I can’t stop thinking about the time we had I did nothing with. The moments, each one a precious gift, I squandered. Wasted breaths not loving you the best I could.

In my dreams you emphasize your love for me, your love of our full lifetime together. You continue to offer yourself beyond death.

It’s not possible, I know… I wish for one more summer. To give you absolutely everything.

But I can’t.

Now I see the heaviness of all my relationships in the abrasive reality of temporality. I keep seeing how often I whisper tomorrow, instead of diving deep into right now.

I don’t want to come to the end – be it of my life or another’s, a move, a change of any kind – wishing I had made more meaning out of what I had been graciously given by existence itself: TIME.

I’ve found myself in these last few weeks walking back up the stairs to pet the kitty’s head as he waits at the threshold looking down at me. Staying longer for coffee with my dear friend instead of rushing to get home because I’m tired, because of the never ending list of chores. Holding tighter to my lover in the quiet of late night when we’re finally alone instead of being lost in my head or in my phone.

The magic you have is one of a kind. You continue to show me the way. To light the path of a more intentional, a more beautiful life. After all, it goes so fast. It never comes back. And we just never seem to see it coming.

You inspire presence in me, sweet Beargirl. I wish I had more of it when you were still in the physical realm, it’ll be something I forever look back on. All our beautiful time together, and all the beautiful time we could have had together.

But in this way, you’ll always be by my side. Your silly little strut, the look back with enormous perked up ears, reminding me – this is it babe, this briefest of seconds is all you got.

You’re gold.

You’re beautiful.

You’re perfect.

Your soul is entwined with mine, till the end of time.

Thank you for the moments you gave me.

Love you forever, and ever and ever.