Dear Unsealers,
My name is Meaghan, and I am a recovering addict. I emphasize “recovering” because I will always be recovering, one day at a time. If ever a day comes when I think I am fully cured from the disease of addiction, the world better watch out.
I started drinking alcoholically when I was 15. I drank to get drunk because I thought that was what I was supposed to do. By 19 I was a daily black-out drinker, and drugs had entered the picture. For the next ten years, my life revolved around drinking and drugging. My older brother was also an addict. His drug of choice was heroin. The idea that I was also an addict was inconceivable because I wasn’t the one sticking needles in my arm. My brother died from a fentanyl overdose when he was just 29. I wasn’t the one being buried, so obviously I didn’t have a problem. I was black-out drunk before noon on the day of his funeral.
I was functional until I wasn’t. I was at the height of my career working in fashion in the best city in the world, New York [City]. My bills were paid, I could afford my lifestyle, and I had friends who liked to party like I did. Life was fast and exciting. My addiction in my twenties knew many ups and downs. I’d go through a manic party phase and then a deeply dark and isolated phase.
By 27, my body started to shut down. I took a leave of absence from work and that quickly turned into a bender that lasted a few years. I would bring myself up with alcohol and cocaine; and I brought myself down with more alcohol, pills, and marijuana. At 30, one of my best friends suggested I try to “dry out” for a month. I told her I didn’t know why I would do such a thing and regardless, I didn’t think I could. Her reply was “Then do you think you might have a bigger problem?”. That was when the seed was planted. This started the journey of recovery that has led me to where I am today.
No one had ever challenged me to stop using. I went to my first AA meeting a couple of months later. I wish I could say I’ve been sober [ever] since, but I chronically relapsed. I moved from New Jersey down to Florida in February 2021. Turns out I’m an addict no matter what state I’m in. It took me almost 4 years to put together one consecutive year of sobriety. My sober date is December 11, 2022. However, the real turning point was five months later in May of 2023.
I was sober but my life was completely unmanageable. I’d been kicked out of every place I had lived in since moving down to Florida. I was still quite unemployable, and I was squatting in an apartment with 3 males I barely knew who were actively using drugs. One day, I collapsed to the ground. For the first time, I pleaded with God to take over. I had been trying to “do recovery” my way and it was a disaster. Not even a week later, I found myself in a halfway house. It saved my life.
I spent the next year getting healthy, working the 12 steps with a sponsor, and learning how to hold a full-time job. I made friends who have become my family. I became responsible and respected. Most importantly, I found my purpose.
I work professionally in the recovery community helping other addicts find a new way to live. The basic requirement is to have lived experience and a message of strength and hope to share. After almost a year to the day I arrived, I moved out of the halfway house into a small studio; just me and my two cats.
The rooms of AA and NA brought me back to life, but I had to do the hard work to learn how to love myself. Today I try to do the next right thing. When I mess up, I take accountability. I surround myself with like-minded sober people. With God’s grace, I am approaching two years sober.
My disease is life or death. I must chase my recovery like I chased my drugs. It’s been the hardest journey, but the most rewarding. If you ever go to a meeting, you’ll likely hear the words, “Keep coming back.”. Through countless relapses, that’s the one thing I did. It’s because I kept going back that today I have a choice. Today I choose to be a sober addict. I have found a way, just for today, to turn my mess into my message. I’ll worry about tomorrow when it comes.