Do you realize you will live?
Through every form of destruction,
You’ve been granted a mind of wonder,
A flourish of light that exists within.
What have you accomplished in this life?
Well, baby darling,
many times you’ve attempted to quit,
But always returned to choose life,
A soul that refused to die.
With rage and resistance,
you’ve continue to try,
Becoming an earthly angel,
In disguise.

Go forth with unspoken power.
No matter what is thrown at you,
You have a deeper passion.

I love you for letting me see your growth,
For releasing comparisons.
In you, I see all hopes.

Look out, world. We no longer need to stay concealed.
When I was very young, my body and mind were severely traumatized.
The trauma was from all around me – literally everywhere! So many unfortunate events made me feel lost, alone, ashamed, afraid, and confused. I couldn’t make sense of anything that was happening to me. It was too much for my mind to process and organize.
You see, I was an extremely precocious child and the most intelligent child my town had ever known. I had a photographic memory and was highly creative, talented, and athletic. The trauma was overwhelming my brain’s ability to cope with all the trauma, however.
My brain just couldn’t organize all the horrific things going on in my world, so I had to learn to compartmentalize, dissociate, and make up ways to live in the hell called my life, and not give up entirely and decide to end it all. I guess that was my first goal: to survive all the trauma.
Guess what? I am now 53 and writing this story! I have reached one of my most essential goals in life!
The longer the trauma kept up, the more fragmented my sense of self became. You see, nearly every time I had to dissociate, I was creating a new sense of self in an attempt to try to forget all the feelings and emotions experienced during a particular trauma. As time passed, the various Ages of Me, as I called them, became more extensive and more prominent in number. By 18, I likely had more than 12 parts of me – brainmates – as I often call them. I didn’t name them, though. I identified with them by age when they came into being and, sometimes, by the emotions associated with their creation.
Few people understand dissociative identity disorder. Growing up, I was often subjected to judgments about the state of my mental well-being, and I was even admitted to more than one psychiatric hospital, where more trauma would occur. Why was this child, so tormented and abused, the one who was locked up? The people causing all the chaos in my young body and mind were left to run free. Inconceivable! This added to my insecurities! I had to learn to conceal all my brain mates, keep them my internal secret, and not be subjected to the crazy people in my life.
The traumas continued into my young adulthood, and by my middle twenties, I had more than 20 different self-states. No one could ever find out about them, lest I be locked up for the rest of my life! I could only dream that they could all be free to live out in the open one day.
I was married and started having children in my early 30s, which I had been told would never happen. The traumas I had sustained throughout my entire childhood left me with wounds and scars that would seem to make motherhood an impossibility. Not only did it seem I could not bear children physically, but it was believed I would never be able to be emotionally present for kids, nor be able to provide for their needs of safety, security, and love, nor be able to protect them from my mental instability. Three children later, I realize I have fulfilled a second dream: I was able to carry, birth, and raise 3 of the most caring, compassionate, intelligent, and God-fearing children anyone could ever hope to parent.
During the next 10 to 15 years, I would seek therapy to heal from all my hurts. I found several excellent practitioners who did incredible trauma work with me. Still, I remained too scared to tell any of them about all of my self-states, who numbered nearly 40 by that time. I knew during all my therapy sessions that all my brain mates were in the room with me because I understood we were all part of the same person. My brain had just fragmented and learned how to cope with all the chaos. The parts of me never felt any of my therapists quite capable of dealing with all of us, nor trustworthy enough to feel safe to make all of the Ages of Me known.
Well, after several more years of severe pain and suffering, my 10-year-old self could no longer stay hidden. The therapist made us feel safe, and she would have made such a wonderful mother to us. My 10-year-old self wanted to tell the therapist she wished she could be our mother. Out of the blue, my selves came forward, and my therapist started meeting them all. She was frightened at first but learned to understand us all. The third dream has come true: The Ages of Me are now free!

My parents told me ever since I was a little boy that I could be anything I wanted to be when I grew up. They would say things like, ‘Gregory, you’re so smart. You can accomplish anything if you set your mind to it.’ ‘Greg, you’re good at everything you try. If you’d just apply yourself, you can have a great career.’ But those are just things parents are supposed to tell their kids, right? Isn’t that part of being a parent? Making a child believe they can do anything they set their hearts to? Encouraging your kids to aim for the stars?

At 10, you ask ‘Can I be a cheerleader like my big sister?’ You’re met with laughter which fades quickly because they realize you’re serious. No, the answer is no. That’s what girls do and you’re a boy. You can do anything that boys do.

At 12, your grades drop in school, and you’ve lost interest. You’re told ‘you’re smarter than this.’ You ask, ‘Can I do gymnastics like my little sister, or be a ballerina?’ Gregory, they would say, that’s for girls. Not boys. You’re not a girl. And you replied, why can’t I be? And the answer is simply because you cannot.

You’re sent to your room, told never to speak of this again. And you didn’t, until you were 14. You told them you didn’t know what you wanted to do with your life. You’re reminded that you can do anything you want. And they heard you mumble that’s a lie. You’re sent to a Dr. to fix you. To make sure you never have those thoughts again. For years it worked.

You’re 42, it’s another sleepless night scrolling the internet. For some reason you do a specific search that night. You send an email and think, I’ll put all these thoughts to rest finally. The next day you get a reply. She wants you to tell her about yourself. You pour your heart out. You tell her all your thoughts and feelings of wanting to be a cheerleader, a mother and how puberty was torture.

Two days later she calls you and says she has an opening! But fear sets in. Is she going to be like the one that tried to fix you when you were 14? You decide it’s worth the risk. And for the first time in 30 years, you have a therapist. She is kind, compassionate and understanding. She says you can be anything you want, it’s never too late. You recoil because your parents used to tell you that. You tell the therapist that’s a lie parents say. And she counters with, why? Why is it a lie?

Because you’ll lose everything. Your kids, job, family, and partner. You have responsibilities. She says, you have responsibilities to yourself as well and that while she can’t make promises on if you’ll lose anything or anyone or not, what she can promise you is, that shedding your mask and people’s perception of you may be scary, yet it can also be rewarding to be your authentic self. And she guides you along the way.

And each milestone along the way heals you a little bit. You find a little more joy in life whereas before, that was something you didn’t see a lot of. Then one day, you see her in the mirror. It was just a quick glimpse, but you seen her. It’s weeks before you see her again, but she lingers a little longer. And over the next few years she replaces him in the mirror until you hardly see him anymore. You wonder if he was ever real or not. You make new connections, and you lose some connections in your life. Yet, you gain new connections that are much stronger.

Your relationship with your kids becomes stronger when you thought they’d hate you. 4 years after meeting your therapist, you have your first surgery. And you’re riding high. 5 years after meeting your therapist you have the big surgery. That’s the moment your soul is healed. You say goodbye to your therapist because you don’t need her anymore. In parting you leave her this message that is the most profound thing you were ever told, even if you thought it was a lie.

You tell her that once upon a time, there was this kid who dared to dream. He was told he could be anything he wanted to be when he grew up. So, he became a woman and lived happily ever after. All it took was for one person to believe in her and to support her and she found that she could do anything she wanted to in the world because all she had to do was dream it and then manifest it.

Dearest little Shauna,
You will become everything you hope, just now how, or when you plan to. There will come a point where you will doubt everything you ever believed in and surrender to the life you never asked for. Your life will be tragically beautiful. However, you will find that spark you lost so long ago on the road of heartache and tragedy, and that spark will create a version of yourself that will be stronger and loved more than you ever thought possible. The little girl you are now will resurface at almost 40 years old and you will finally live your life dream and become a teacher. Along that road, sweet Shauna, when faced with each obstacle, know you are only being prepared for a life you have only dreamt about. You will find happiness, true love, and confidence to follow your dream after years of being told you would never be good, or smart enough. You will meet a man who will heal a heart he didn’t shatter, your love will create the family you had stopped praying for, and you will have the support and strength from a village you don’t know you have yet and will live the dream you have right now. Hold on. Hug your brother. You won’t want to know, but you will regret it. Trust me. Say yes. It won’t end how you think, but he will give you a reason to live when you need it most. Don’t be afraid to say yes again. He is your happily ever after. You are enough. You always have been, you will remember that down the road.

i’d gaze upon the nightsky
watching stars streak on by

i’d toss a few coins
into elegant fountains

i was doing all that
with one thing in mind

a wish that i would cherish
if it would ever come true

but the stars would fade
and day would come

the coins would blend in
along with the other ones

i thought it wasn’t true
maybe it wasn’t meant to be

and now, i no longer wish
i don’t need to wish
not anymore

for i have you
and i’m thankful
that my wish came true

Dear Reader,

While making his first day of school sign for 2nd grade, my son shared what he wants to be when he grows up. I didn’t hear him, and when I asked him to repeat what he had said, I could see embarrassment rise from his abdomen until it flushed his face red.

“Please, tell me,” I told him. Slightly above a whisper, he responded, “I want to be a basketball player.” He felt nervous about saying it out loud. It reminded me of my own stated aspiration close to his age. Growing up near the University of Notre Dame, I stated my desire to attend college there when I was nine. Receiving an acceptance letter from Notre Dame requires significant determination, but my parents taught me to trust my abilities. When you whole-heartedly believe in yourself, you hold power. Empowering yourself, practicing, and working hard become the bricks that lay the foundation of your future achieved goals.

I persevered, and despite people doubting me, I had confidence I could succeed. Self-doubt crept in, as it does for everyone, but I was kind to myself in these moments. “It’s okay, just keep giving your best. Keep trusting you have what it takes,” I told myself. I watched the commercials of young adults opening Notre Dame acceptance letters and imagined myself opening my letter. I cried while visualizing myself holding the mail I’d one day open that would say, “Welcome home.”

It may sound cliché to tell you to work hard and have faith in your potential, but how many times has the world doubted you? How often have you been embarrassed to say your goals out loud out of fear of funny looks or the worry that you’d say it and it wouldn’t happen? What would people think? Would they laugh?

After being accepted to Notre Dame, I wrote my story and shared how I accomplished my goal. My acceptance led to another fulfilled dream: for my writing to be recognized. My writing was featured in “The Secret to Teen Power,” a book that teaches teenagers how to use mindset to achieve the dreams and goals they have set for themselves. The author told me he thought my story could inspire others. I saw one person, years later, say my story inspired her to apply to her dream college. One person means the world. One person means everything to me. Inspiring one more person is my next goal, which I hope this letter will do.

So, I’ll lead by example and share my next dream: to be a published author. I’m saying it now with a mix of anxiety and deep knowing. The fear will arise, saying, “What if it doesn’t pan out?” It does scare me. I imagine your goals scare you, too. But I’ll say it proudly with a shaking voice. Will you state your goal with me? When your self-doubt creeps in, remember to say, “It’s okay, just keep giving your best. Keep trusting you have what it takes.”

I looked into my son’s worried face and said, “Then you’ll be a basketball player, baby. It’ll take effort, and you’ll need to practice daily, but I’ll train with you.”

“Can we practice now?” he asked.

Are you practicing and dedicating effort?

Do you have confidence you can achieve your goal?

I believe you can, and I can’t wait to see what you’ll do.

You’ve got this,
Rachael

Hollow

Dear younger Destiny……….. we did it
Thank you God
For this opportunity
The only time feeling empty
Is liberating
Is when you’ve got your own apartment

Hollow
Empty living room
Empty dining room
Empty bedroom
Empty bathroom
Hollow
Hello new space
Hollow
Hallelujah
Hollow
Never felt so good to be
Hollow

First time on my own
Might as well be a new home
I turn over leaves, As they turn over stone
New seeds are sown
No need to raise my tone
Hollow doesn’t have to feel alone

Hollow
Empty Walls
Empty Cabinets
Empty Closet
Empty Fridge
Hollow
Hello new space
Hollow
Hallelujah
Hollow
Never felt so good to be
Hollow

Trying something new is always scary; fears held me back for many years. The what-ifs dominated my mindset: What if I was not liked, or, worst of all, what if I failed? I was not the typical person you would expect to start a business.

Researching starting a business is the easy part. I took classes, developed spreadsheets, and made plans; organization is one of my strengths. But the next step, actually creating the business and working with clients, was terrifying. I constantly asked myself if I could be a wedding planner and run my own company.

Initially, I kept my full-time job. I was full of doubt about my ability to make any money in this new venture. Quietly, I took clients and worked after hours and on the weekends. This lack of confidence meant I charged too little, and I did not have confidence in my abilities. That first two years before every wedding, I would throw up and be unable to eat anything. I began to dread the panic that I knew would rise as the clock got closer to the ceremony and reception time.

Then I had my first successful wedding, another, and yet another. I received handwritten notes saying how happy the couples were and that they couldn’t imagine their wedding without me. I started getting less anxious on wedding weekends.

My day job became tedious, and I felt disconnected and bored. However, I came alive after work. I scheduled client meetings, catering tastings, and networking events, and soon, I began to refer to my profession as a wedding planner and business owner.

My annual review is where I told my boss I was leaving. I always worked well with him and told the truth. My calling was no longer in a cubicle in a corporate job. It was being independent, running my own business, and planning weddings. He looked at me and said, “I cannot even counter with a better salary or promotion, as you will have neither. But I am happy for you, sad for us.” With that, I left the comfort zone of an air-conditioned office, 401K matches, and a guaranteed paycheck every two weeks.

Had I not taken that leap of faith right then and there, I may not have ever taken it. The atmosphere was right for the risk; I was young, the economy was booming, and I had a supportive partner. It was as if the universe conspired to provide the right time and place for this new venture.

You always hear about the financial investment in entrepreneurship. What needs to be talked about more is the emotional investment. You get attached to logos, taglines, mission statements, and website copy. Couples that entrust you on one of their most important days become friends. Fellow industry professionals become confidants, casual Instagram followers, or arch-nemesis. You find yourself advising newer planners, telling them what you would have done differently, and teaching them how to be successful. You realize they look up to you, you of all people, the person you thought would fail.

I began this journey 18 years ago. Two years ago, I sold my business to one of my employees. It was hard letting go, but I knew it was time.

When an international pandemic occurred, many canceled or postponed weddings. Deftly negotiating this financial and emotional minefield for clients was one of my most significant accomplishments. There wasn’t a playbook for making this work. I didn’t have the luxury of perfectionism, but I had the confidence I sought once I let go of expectations. I could say I was a damn good wedding planner.

This pandemic earthquake fundamentally changed the industry, but more importantly, myself.

I began to reevaluate my priorities and my feelings about the business. I realized that, much like when I quit my corporate job, I was ready for something new. I didn’t dislike wedding planning worse; I didn’t have any feelings about it either way. That was my cue to leave.

I left with the professional designation of Master Wedding Planner. My company, Red Letter Event Planning, was listed as a preferred vendor at most of the area’s venues and had hundreds of five-star reviews and referrals from past clients. More importantly, though, I left satisfied that I had built something successful and resilient. I no longer was the anxious perfectionist who wondered if I was good enough.

Taking the risk of starting and building was nerve-wracking, but it was one of the best things I have ever done.

*I often look back at my younger self and think, oh, if she could see me today!

If I had the chance to tell her what I know now, what would I say?

Things are much different now than they were back in the day.

*You see when I was young I didn’t have your typical dream

My life wasn’t always what it seemed

Some days all I wanted to do was scream.

*There were times in my life I didn’t think I was going to make it.

There were days where all I wanted to do was quit.

You see I had trauma that needed healing, but I never wanted to admit.

*I thought that I could do it all on my own.

I never wanted any of my pain to be shown.

So I thought, I had to go through it all alone.

*Truth was there was always someone by my side.

He stood there with his arms open wide.

All I had to do was lay down my pride.

*You see pride is a deceiver, it makes you think you can do it all.

Truth is it just puts up a wall.

Eventually you learn, that the burden is too much to carry, and you fall.

*That’s what happened to me.

I fell down right on my knees.

Praying to God to forgive me, please!

*I had felt so worthless that I never thought I could be loved.

God said to me, my daughter you are beloved.

Your sins are forgiven because of his blood.

*Jesus gave his life so that I could be saved.

So that I no longer had to live a life of being enslaved.

His sacrifice and forgiveness makes me feel amazed.

*So here I am today.

I stand here to say, all will be okay!

With Jesus, you will find your way!

*Your dream to be loved and to be free is available for you.

I’m here to tell you that you will make it through.

With God he makes all things new.

*Dreams really can come true!

It can happen for you too!

So never give up on your pursuit!

In isolation’s deep and shadowed fold,
Where silence reigned and stories went untold,
A broken spirit found its healing grace,
In faith’s soft whisper, in the sacred space.

The world was still, the pandemic’s grasp so tight,
Yet in the stillness shone a guiding light.
Through walls of worry, faith began to blaze,
And from the ashes rose a hopeful gaze.

Caring hands with love’s unyielding strength,
Brought solace in the darkened length.
An elder’s plight, a storm’s fierce roar,
Tests of faith that opened new doors.

A mother’s pain, a locked-down world,
Where hope and hardship seamlessly swirled.
In those quiet, strained, and fragile days,
A divine vision lit my weary ways.

From every tear and every trial faced,
An inspiration gently graced.
A vision of care, a balm so pure,
To soothe the skin, to heal and to endure.

Through Urban Meditation’s open door,
On 5th Ave in Naples, my hopes would soar.
Or online, where dreams and faith align,
Essential Art Skin Care finds its shine.

Crafted with a spirit strong and true,
Each product born from trials and through.
A testament to faith’s enduring might,
That turned dark days into hopeful light.

In faith, I found my strength renewed,
In every challenge, purpose accrued.
Resilience built on trust divine,
Guided my hands, and made them shine.

So now these products tell a tale,
Of faith that prevails when all seems frail.
A journey of the soul, of skin and heart,
Where divine strength and hope impart.

For in adversity’s harsh and testing storm,
A life of faith and care takes form.
And through each struggle, doubt, and tear,
Faith’s ultimate power draws ever near

Dear Unsealers,

A few words about the beauty of goals.

Pinnacle?

Bright lights shine
Impossible
Eyes open wide
Remarkable
The moment, it rings
Forevermore
Here you stand
Commendable

You worked so hard
Your dreams, they grew
You cried so much
You thought you knew
The struggle, is real
Here we go
There you rise
Unstoppable

Success, it beats
Like a drum
The scared young girl
That was
Stands here now
A Queen
I’ve reached my goal
This diploma means

Joy consumes
Me to my core
A great delight
Worth waiting for
The surprise one finds
In reaching goals
Is the gift that
There is still much more

Dessmer A. Mims

“Climb mountains not so the world can see you, but so you can see the world.”
-David McCullough Jr.