I had been imprisoned once, held captive by the powers that be. Small and alone within a cage, biting and clawing to find my way out. I felt lost, alone and filled to the brim with despair. Within the fortress was a tiny barred window fixed above. A tiny spider dangled from a web and the sun shone through a film, years of grime and dust painting the cell in rose gold bathing me in its warm light. Washing over my external self and soothing spaces where hurt and sadness had filled prior. I prayed in my bed staring at concrete walls and begging God to help me heal and find a way out of the mess I had found myself in. I had been stripped of my housing, my children, my lover, my family and all worldly possessions and all that had remained was me in this space with a thread of hope to either hold on to or hang myself up with. In these moments I had two choices. Grow bitter, cold, hard and uncaring or remain soft, innocent, compassionate and loving. I chose love. And the door swung open to my cell allowing me freedom to rebuild that which had been lost. I nurtured myself daily, wiping ash from my brow and cheekbone and allowing them to settle where they had belonged. I attended classes and therapy, taking all that they had offered in. Learning to set goals and work on them achieving things I had thought id never achieve before. Prior to being imprisoned I had no idea what would become of me. Had I continued on my path those around me would surely have influenced me into my grave. Misery loving company old aged cliches. Dusty being that had given up on the search for threads of hope and change. Stagnant and never growing out of the pit they had found themselves in. I found myself a cozy apartment with a ball and chain around my ankle. Keeping me imprisoned again but this time within four rooms and a hallway. However I was content and happy as many windows allowed the light to shine through and caress me in its healing warmth. I wrote poetry, and kept to myself, cutting off the ties to the past and starting to begin again. I began building my credit and paying the bills. Eventually graduating from that stage of my life and purchasing a home instead of renting a four roomed dungeon. At first I was angry and bitter at the men that had come to place me in captivity. But seeing the brighter side of things I see it had turned my life around. I grew, flourished, found myself to be hardworking and a achiever. Unsure of the future but content with the path I had been set upon. What had left me caged for a period of time could have very well of been the very thing that had saved my life. My emotions gentle, swirled watercolors against a bright open canvas. So much to add and little to take away. Forever grateful for my higher power and those who pulled me from destruction.

I learned the importance of family and how fleeting life is. How those we love could be with us one moment laughing, smiling and sharing in day to day events to only be gone in the fraction of a moment. No goodbyes, no reasons why. How important I love you’s and I need you’s are when we have no clue what goes on within each others minds even when we think we do. How fragile we really are as human. And how easily we could lose someone we never thought we would, taking for granted all the moments shared. I lost two younger brothers to suicide after Covid had rolled through. While most people were losing loved ones due to health complications I had lost mine in the matter of a blink of the eye without any warning. I struggled with grief and my emotions. They were only 28 still babies in my eyes as I was the oldest child. Angry thoughts thinking them selfish, thoughts they were weak and should have been stronger. Not understanding and never knowing why. I was a mostly emotionally absent person in the lives of those I grew up with. I didn’t share my thoughts or feelings often and kept others at bay. It’s important to share how we feel with those closest to us and share those private moments where we speak our thoughts, feelings and emotions. It sounds cliche all the quotes and things we see about family, thinking they’ll always be here with us. It’s not like cancer claiming them, knowing in advance what will happen and preparing for it. It’s a sudden flash and a phone call throwing you into a tidal wave of shock and despair. A scream abrupting from your core as you punch at your legs and cry why. It’s the freezing up of the throat as you try to force out the torrential outpouring of emotion coursing through you. The subdued overspent sadness you feel, in watercolor shades washing over you as you try and force yourself from bed to do the mundane tasks of living life. It’s one day getting up and discovering every beautiful detail in life again. All the simple things you’ve ignored before now so important. Blades of grass with tiny dew drops, the clouds lazily moving across the sky, the sound of birds flying overhead. So grateful of every breath taken and living life with childlike innocence again. Life is a magical journey to be embraced and explored. A gift from our higher power. Our families a blessing to share with. Covid also was a lesson in family. Being separated from those we love or loved. Not being able to make hospital visits to those important to us, not being able to say goodbye. Funerals held at bay for several months after the loss of those cherished in our lives. Not being able to make peace with it or find closure the way we normally do. Cherish every moment. Make each moment count. Even those that seem mundane. Don’t take those around you for granted. It takes mere seconds to send a text or make a call. Check in, say I love you often. Be the light in someone’s dark. I explained to someone once that the moon had to work harder to be a light and shine bright surrounded by so much darkness. Be a moon in the night sky, a light to guide others.