I’m sorry. Lillie, I am so sorry for everything you went through. For every feeling you felt. Every fear you had. I honestly don’t know how you made it through as well as you did. I know a lot of your prison walls were your own walls you built. But I also know you picked up on our families actions and vibes as well, which laid the foundation for so many walls and beliefs about yourself. 

I heard every wish you made. Every prayer. Every self-destructive thought. I was a passenger with all your reckless behaviors. I was there with you through every attempt you made. You walked through pure hell back then and somehow survived. The jealousy you felt watching mom take care of our little sister when she didn’t take care of you. But remember, our big sister took care of us because she was so excited to have a baby in the house. 

You were loved Lillie. I know it didn’t seem like it then, but you were only 5. Our big sister took care of you and kind of took you away from mom. But when our little sister came, mom had to take care of her because she was a baby, and you were in school by then. So maybe let’s try to give ourselves some empathy. And remember, our parents didn’t know you felt different. They just heard us saying things like we wanted to be a cheerleader or gymnast. They couldn’t know what was in your head. And that’s not your fault either princess, because even though you knew you were different; you didn’t have the vocabulary nor thinking skills to verbalize those things. 

I remember when momma sat you down and told us you were adopted. You have to admit that she broke the news to us delicately and made you feel so special. But I also remember the betrayal you felt that our birth parents so carelessly cast us aside and kept the next child they had. Honey, our birth mom was a child herself when you were born, and she couldn’t take care of us. And sweetie, we were so much better off being adopted. One day you’ll understand that. 

I was there your very first day of conversion therapy. I wish I had the words to comfort you for what you went through in those sessions. You were such a brave young girl, and you played the game to get out of there. But I know that the messages and reprogramming you received did a lifetime of damage to you. Sweetness, I need you to remember the time you’re growing up in. People like us weren’t understood back then. There’s no internet to find out you are far from alone in this world. 

But here’s what I can tell you, Lillie. One day, you’re going to be a woman. You’ll transition, you’ll have surgeries to give you the correct anatomy and you’ll be so happy. I can’t promise you that things will always be easy, but I can promise you that not only will you survive, you’re going to feel like your soul has been healed. And even better, because of everything you endured, you’re going to be an advocate for others that are scared to speak up for themselves. You’re going to help so many people. In fact, you’ll even one day change a state law that helps thousands of trans people in our state. 

And not only that. But you’ll have some pretty great bonds with people. You’ll have kids that absolutely love you to pieces too. And everything you’ve gone through is going to make you an amazing parent. Sweet girl, I know you’re hurt. I know you’re angry and so confused. But I promise you, I’m going to spend so much time with you. I’m going to let you vent and whatever else you need to let go of some of these feelings. Anytime you need me you just talk to me, and I promise I will always listen and show up for you princess.

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