I used to have an outie, and now I have an innie! March 19th, 2024, what most people know as Taco Tuesday had an entirely different meaning for me as Taco Tuesday. It is 6am and I am at the UNC Hospital in Hillsborough. I have checked in for my procedure, had my vitals taken and signed all the paperwork I needed to sign. I have met my surgical team, been asked a hundred questions. I have texted my family and friends and my friend who is staying with me while I recover has the important numbers to call to let people know I am ok. We are just waiting on the surgeon at this point. He is there by 7am and I am being wheeled off and I don’t remember a thing until almost 6 hours later when I wake up in recovery.

I was born a boy. Thats what everyone told me. Thats the anatomy I had. That was my life. It was a life filled with chaos and confusion. It was a life pretending to be a boy, trying to survive this world because back then in the 80’s and 90’s people did not understand people like me. So, for my whole life I wore a mask, I was an actor playing the role everyone wanted to see me in. A boy, a man, a father.

It was a life filled with showering in the dark, hating my own anatomy to the point I would wish for bad things to happen to it. It was a life plotting out how long it would take to bleed out if I cut it off and if I made the call to 911, waited ‘x’ amount of minutes before cutting it off and flushing it down the toilet so it can’t be reattached, I would make it to the hospital in time to survive and I wouldn’t have to worry about thing between my legs anymore. Years of uti’s because I could not bring myself to touch it unless I was self-harming it. Years of self-harm and attempts at unaliving myself because I hated my body so much. Depression and anxiety. Panic and C-PTSD. This was my life. Constant emotional pain. Physical disgust. I would smile for you, but the eyes betrayed me every single time.

Finally in 2018 after so much self-abuse and a breakdown, I transitioned. What followed was varying levels of happiness but more pain because of how society treats me. But milestone after milestone led me to March 19th, 2024. Fighting and suing my employer for health insurance coverage and here we were, the big day. A 5.5-hour surgery where my genitals and pelvic floor were going to be rearranged into a beautiful vulva.

I awoke to my friend with me and the nurses hovering over me. Everything went swimmingly. I know I was still pumped full of pain meds but as they wore off, I never felt pain, only happiness. A surgeon healed me where anti-depressants and therapy could only put band aids on my mental pain. Today I get to joke that now I only have regular people problems in my life, and I have to say I would take this any day of the week. Finally, not only does my body look and feel like it should. But my soul is healed. March 19th, 2024, my life was saved and I finally found happiness in myself. It is the day that I will remember for the rest of my life. That sense of finally being whole, of being complete, of being me, nothing will ever compare to that. In the few short months since that day, I have already forgotten a lot about what that anatomy felt like, I am only left with the memories of pain which are far outweighed by the happiness I experience every single day now.

Life may throw challenges at me still. There may be times of stress, grief, or anguish, but all I have to do is remember that day to know that I can accomplish anything.