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johnnybear submitted a contest entry to Write a poem (or letter) about a turning point in your life 1 months ago
The Risk
Hi me,
As a child I developed a belief system I was born to be fixed. At birth I had entered this world with physical defects which required many reparative surgeries throughout most of my life into my young adulthood. This helped foster the idea I was broken and different from anyone else in my immediate world. Even though my family always made sure I was well cared for there was limited emotional support. This was simply not an aspect of my life to be embraced by others. This only reinforced the made up propaganda in my own mind. I found ways to self sooth by making sure I wasn’t a burden on others so I could be rewarded by some affection. Later in my adolescence I developed a standard of self care which included copious amounts of drug use. This lasted into my until I was 19. At which time I was savagely sexually assaulted by a pair of drug dealers. My only recourse was avoidance at the time which lasted over 30 years. During that time I buried a child, married my high school sweetheart, had another child with similar defects I was born with, then divorced, and began raising my son with the assistance of family. A few years later I came out of the closet and began living somewhat of a renaissance period. As a high school dropout I obtained my GED and then three consecutive college degrees along with my NYS Clinical License in Social Work. I then met and married the monster or my dreams. My now ex-husband turned out to be my warden in a ten year abusive relationship. As I entered my 40th rotation around the sun I knew it was time to take a risk in order to live. I was left financially and emotionally bankrupt however, I was alive. It took all I had to walk away from what I thought was my continued existence of brokenness. As I began to rebuild my life over the next seven years the air around me became fresher. Yet, I still couldn’t fully inhale which only became more stringent as the years rolled on. At age 47 the deprivation of oxygen from my lack of fundamental breathing took hold of my mental status. My brain function began to decrease while images of my supposed long forgotten past began to infiltrate my daily and nightly thoughts. I became hunted by shocking monstrous uncontrollable slideshows. As I found out later these were the repressed memories of my sexual assault and parts of my abuse my brain attempted to avoid in order to survive. The all consuming experiences became overwhelming to the point of perceived insanity. This led to the only alternative of me ending my life. I did not want to die, I just did not know how to live. Fortunately, I did live and was faced with taking the ultimate risk. Do I choose live my second chance at life or simply exist until the overwhelm comes again? I proud to say I took that risk which has enabled me to share my story with you today.
Voting starts December 17, 2024 12:00am
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