Thank you, my soul,

Thank you for getting through this moment, now. Thank you for everytime you said “I can’t do this anymore,” yet persisted.

Thank you for allowing yourself the time to let yourself truly rest. From finding your own way to stay in recovery, how to be at peace with yourself. How to not need approval from others. Thank you- for learning and working to remain to be grateful to be grateful.

Thank you for finally prioritizing your health and expressing weakness. That has turned to strength for you. Staying open minded has taught you how to be resilient. You are modeling clay for yourself.

Thank you for trying in your marriage, instead of leaving when it got hard. I know you have regrets about letting things continue, yet you did what you thought was right. I appreciate the way you let your love shift to pain and know what boundaries are. I also appreciate the way you can shift pain to love. You’re an alchemist. I admire that.

The way you overcome your phobia of the highway after all those car wrecks, the way you didn’t go back to using after you used, the way you got pregnant over and over slowly losing hope with each test with two pink lines. Thank you for making peace with your pain- for taking the best of all the people you’ve loved and lost and doing your best to emulate the admirable characteristics they had. Thank you, for staying malleable to yourself.

For learning to own and to be your own your space. For being brave enough to try everything you desire, so that you can pursue your passions. For not being a slave to fear. For becoming water, for touching my core and trying to swim into deeper waters. From the bottom of all that I am, the depths of my soul, thank you. I am eternally grateful that you didn’t give up on you.

Yours truly,
You.

Dear Survivor,

Through storms I have persevered with humility and grace.
While waiting for each rainbow to appear and the sun shining upon my face.
Whether tear streaked in sorrow or smiling with pride, my eyes reveal a testimony.
Be it for fun or to help others in their afflictions, I use my storms to tell a story.
Of tenacity and resilience, for a survivor’s tale is often not just our own
We are called out of our struggles to be an encouragement for fellow spirits to make them strong.
From childhood trauma to overcome and complicated grief to navigate through.
I’ve done more than survive but have thrived in this life as a true conqueror must do.
As I speak to the trauma and dreams that seemed to go neck and neck
I’m grateful for the healing and recovery journey that derailed my life’s train wreck.
Out of all the struggles and storms, I’ve learned that I can overcome and still press on.
Out of the bed of afflictions I rise,
claiming the blessings that I was born.
For I have my purpose to fulfill in this life
Let not one ounce of my pain be in vain
I have each guided step to still take
and lessons learned that I will gain.
Conqueror and prayer warrior I’m made to be,
for The Most High makes no mistakes.
Every roller coaster ride, I take in stride
For it is in the living that makes us great.
I will stand in the word that uplifts and carries us all,
I will always fight to be the voice of change and answer the call.
And each time I feel that my spiritual light is growing weak or dim,
I will call upon Yah, angels and ancestors to fill my heart and spirit to the brim.
As I walk on with my head held high, stepping off on faith and not by sight.
May I always feel hope despite life storms to be a vessel of light.
So today I’m saying thank you to the little brown girl that I carry inside,
the one with the big heart and whose love flows like the tide.
Whose dreams are profound and her journey ordained,
Let joy fill your heart for the Lord knows and loves you by name.

In a fit of disillusion as I stare at my reflection,
The man in mirror disappeared.
Was there ever a man, Or even a reflection?
Or just at man at face with his fear.
You were there for me when no one else was.
I’m so grateful you made my mirror clearer.
I’m thankful for who you are to yourself,
and how you fight for light when times are dark.
Even when times feel like everything is ending,
You remind me that that this is just the start.
I just want to shake your hand and tell you thank you.
Without you,
I wouldn’t be who I am after everything that I’ve been through.
Joshua, I love you more than you’ll ever know.
I want you to smile more in that mirror of yours.
You will learn to see your glow.
I admire your ambition through hard times and tribulations.
Just know I’m always be here for and will offer my congratulations..
For being you.

-Joshua

Look at how well I’ve done and how much stronger I am. For all the second guessing I did, I figured it out on the first try, which tells me to follow my heart and head. For all the heartbreak that seemed to just keeping coming, I thank me for finding the strength and the courage to let the love and light in. Everything I’ve done has turned out better than I expected. I know it wasn’t easy and I sure wasn’t easy on myself either. I thank me for not giving up on me. I’ve done good – really, really good!

Love Me Always!

I think phrases like “I’m sorry” and “thank you” are the most powerful, yet the most overused. I say “thank you” to the barista when I get a morning coffee, I say “thank you” to the cashier when they help check me out at the grocery store, I say “thank you” when people go out of their way for me. I can’t remember when the last time I said thank you to myself was. And when I truly meant it. So today I say thank you.

Thank you for trying to find even a sliver of gratitude in a seemingly thankless time. Thank you for the power behind your words, and for the truth you put behind them. Thank you for reclaiming everything you never thought you’d be able to do again, and doing it for yourself: Thank you for holding anxiety’s hands when it comes to you full force. Thank you for not turning cold in a world that was bitter to you. Thank you for remaining kind when all you’ve known is abuse and judgment. Thank you for being a warm smile on a winter’s day. Thank you for putting one foot in front of the other, no matter how small the step. Thank you for buying the fancy shampoo and doing your hair when you don’t feel like it because you let it be a mess the first half of the week. Thank you for not judging yourself – because maybe that’s what you needed at the time. Thank you for holding on – even if by the tiniest thread. And thank you for never giving up.

Dear Pretty Dee,

I want to give you your flowers.

It’s so amazing how you were once so unaware but still walking in your power. You thought you were never worthy of anything good because of your past. You thought you had ran out of time, until you learned that you have the power to turn the hour glass.

I see you shedding new skin and you being free at last. You carried so much pain and now you’re finally shedding your past. Like a beautiful butterfly, you are freed from your cocoon at last.

I just want to thank you for rocking and rolling with life’s punches. You know how to transmute your strife and allow beautiful things to grow. You are a hero not just to your kids but to me. Even on the hard days you rise. I should call you and Phoenix; with how you burn in the fire just to ride from the ashes each time. Baby, you are a star who shines. And you never let it go out. Even when you were in darkness and filled with doubt you were still shining ever so bright. No matter how hard you used to self-sabotage, you couldn’t even dim your own light. I am so grateful to know you and to see you in every single season. You lived to tell the tales of why you had a 13th reason and how you beat it. You are more than a conqueror and patting yourself on the back doesn’t make you conceited. You thought you took some losses but really it’s a flawless victory. Because the things you release and let go of catapult you into your destiny. The better you are the best me. You ooze authenticity even when you try to hide in the shadows. Baby you are a sunflower and you will never be a rose. You really keep people on their toes. I am glad that you have learned to love being hated. Because now love grows in the places where you were jaded. I might be biased but I think you are the greatest thing that God could have ever created.

You learned to stop over-giving and watering others. And pour into you. I love the peace you have because you are more into your self-care. I love how you are so aware. I am thankful that you started implementing boundaries and you let them stay there. I thank you for allowing me in your space. I know i haven’t seen anything but your are giving me a taste. The endless love and gratitude that I have for you is unconditional and cannot be counted. I love that you over came the mountain that was you. I thank you for staying true even when you were lost. I’m so grateful that you realized that you are the boss. I can give you thanks and gratitude for ages but I might run out of pages. Because I am not worshipping just you but the Holy Spirit of God within. I am thankful to know that in you I will always have a friend and you got me where I lack.
DeAndrea, I honestly just want you to know that I am grateful for you and I love you to the next universe and back! You finally love yourself and stop waiting for people to water you back and get their approval. It’s the best thing you could have done. Taking care of you. So no matter what always stay true because your kids are becoming better people because of you.

I love you,

Well Brave One, if only you were born a son. Then you would have earned your father’s love. You came kicking and screaming into this world on Winter Solstice day, never knowing how hard your life would be. You caught your uncle’s eye and your peaceful childish dreams became a place of anguish. I want you to know you are brave. You told someone you trusted with those awful things. I want you to know you’re strong even when you think you’re weak. I know some days you seem like you can’t go on, and you want to silence the pain, but do not give up. You will pull through. Yes, Brave One, you were born to atrocities, but victories belong to you, too.

Dear, Lindsey,

I’m writing you to thank you for being you. I understand that many hard situations in life have taken a toll on you mentally, physically, and emotionally, but your resilience to persevere through it all is remarkable. Thank you for your genuineness and authenticity, no matter who is bothered by it. Thank you for continuing the self-improvement work that helps you show up everywhere with kindness and compassion. Thank you for looking for that little girl inside of you. I know at one point you felt as if you couldn’t find her. Then all of a sudden when you least expected it, there she was looking back at you in the mirror. Thank you for remembering that young woman inside who had the whole world to conquer, and all the time in the world to do it. Thank you for sharing the love of Christ with others, although sometimes you’re not quite sure if you’re doing it right. Thank you for caring so deeply toward others but also remembering you matter just as much. Self-care and self-love have kept you moving towards your dreams and the things that call for your gifts and talents. Thank you for forgiving me. Thank you for believing in me again. Thank you for gaining back the faith in me that you lost from all the heartache and pain in your life. Thank you for not giving up on me even though I know you sometimes came close. Thank you for deciding you wouldn’t let the dark things that have happened to you make you bitter, but instead, you choose to love. I’m grateful for you. I know that one day you will understand that you are the inspiration you need to move forward. Keep dreaming. Keep believing BIGGER. Keep showing up for yourself just as much as others. Remember hope is powerful, and faith is life.

Love,
Me

Dear Self,
Thank you for accepting life’s journey and not letting obstacles stop your glory. You’ve triumphed over the hurdles of failure and dismay. Dealing with a toxic partner while trying to maintain and enjoy new motherhood. Through the woes of taking care of your aging parents and as we all know, the bills don’t stop coming! Barely seen are the burdens you bear; a smile in the forefront of all adversity. Thank you for acknowledging and gracefully defeating depression and unhappiness. You decided not only for yourself but for your child, you will have peace. Also, understanding peace requires forgiveness. Thank you for not giving up or breaking when so many would have. Thank you for standing up for me! Thank you for remembering God is always with you in your darkest times. I thank you for having the courage to tell your story so that it may encourage others. Our purpose may not always be obvious to us, but it’s clear in the way we touch other’s lives. Thank you for sharing a piece of you, as others may use it as faith that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you.

Much bravery, much conceal.
The shameful life of a once teenage girl,
An innocent heart, left unguarded.
Experiences you should’ve never had to feel.
If only childhood was satisfactory and in things pure.
Too eager to live life much more mature.
I’ve contemplated time after time,
if I could go back. Press rewind.
I would save you from these heart aches,
Reroute the pain, ultimately creating even greater mistakes.
Instead for this life ado,
I won’t complain, sneer or grunt,
I will declare, I truly thank you.
For not throwing in the towel.
You continue to press through.
You don’t give in when it gets tough,
when your head is bowed, overshadowed,
the crowd shouting, “say you’ve had enough!”
Off the ropes you fly believing in promises of victory.
Though the evidence, with a naked eye, I cannot see.
I’m glad you fought for a baby that would one day break your heart.
Only fit to offer prayers and bitter tears. Groans and weeps because words were ripped apart.
Numerous broken hearts you’ve tasted, the tears they stain never the same.
Yet you choose to continue breathing.
Each comes heavy and shallow drenched in grief, bound with pain.
Your eyes fixed on Heaven, awaiting revival, for there is strength calling on His name.
I admire your pursuit of love, when all turn aside.
Peace has become the gift well sought after, the perfect place to hide.
Holiness, a tapestry well worth its design.
Embroidered with hope, in charity is lined, ever so divine.
Thank you for getting up and getting out of there.
Thank you for standing up for her, ridding your lives of such rage and despair.
The undertaking of miser, Finally choosing to love yourself.
Instead of waiting for guilt and hurt to transform to love and good health.
Finally realizing the definition and understanding you were caught in a loop of insanity.
You learned to love yourself regardless of others. No need to make plans for you and me.
School stayed a priority. I know it was, has, can, and will be a muddle of time and testation.
Tales fail to express the search for someone who’ll lend consolation.
Keep looking to Heaven. God is near, and understands your heart’s meditation.
We’re 35 now, soon to enter 36. 20 years has passed.
You have survived. She is still alive. Both of you have made it.
Many of your fears have subsided. Hopelessness has faded.
You’re a nurse now! And still delight in simplicity.
You’ve done well keeping up with broken parts. Enough remains to still recognize “me.”
Many nights you were afraid, but life hasn’t trampled you under.
Everything is alright, we’ve made it through clouds, rain, and thunder.
Thank you for praying that night, God heard us, and gave what we needed so we wouldn’t fall.
Your heart was softened, and you answered when he called.
For choosing to live everyday, and not loosing your mind when Grandma and Grandpa passed away.
Not drinking this, and smoking that.
For putting the knife down, not swinging that bat.
For not buying a weapon, for putting her first.
Not marrying him, giving him more babies, making matters worse.
Thank you for freeing us from the claustrophobia of that long hall leading to an end dead.
A rotten routine of being alone, with only eggs, bologna, and bread.
She’s 19 now, and has no memory. The hard times had no effect.
One day she’ll appreciate. Then will reveal reasoning for your high level of expect.
You finally learned who is and has always been your best friend.
You’re finally brave enough, stand up for her, love, protect her, and defend.
You taught me memories can be released. It’s okay to forget.
You don’t have to allow it hurt anymore. You can let go of regret.
I can now fight the qualms that wrestle every morning in my head,
They seek my life, desire to drown me leaving my corpse in bed.
I’m so glad you learned how to be a mom, and you finally learned, “NO!”
I’m glad you heard that song, and finally said, ” I have to go!”
And fear became a stepping stone.
I know its not the life you wanted, tattered remnants stitched and re-stitched.
Brava! You finally say what no one else will say to you.
You’ve given me permission to not impress the unimpressible.
I find ways to make myself swoon!
You’ve given me permission to be weak and sorrowful,
because life is disastrously cruel.
You’ve shown loneliness is a strategy to confound inner peace.
Rather, its a golden ticket when your heart is raging and your mind is crumpled and needs release.
Finally we see that it is impossible for a size 12 to fit into a size 8!
That is the most bizarre expectation any man could expect.
Such a requirement, no one should ever create.
Most of all: I thank you for not mistaking this knowledge and understanding was all of your own.
For God held these plans for me. Forever shall I be thankful.
For He remains forevermore answering me from, making a way from His throne.

Thank you for not masking your anger
Or holding your shame
For no longer playing someone else’s game
For holding space
Giving yourself grace
For continuing to love after pain
Finding comfort in the rain
Thank you for killing your old ways
The ones that kept you blue in the face
For finding your voice
Even while shaking staying true to your choice
For rekindling hope and belief
What may seem like such a small feat
Feels like the biggest relief
To release the doubt
Call back your power this time around
Thank you for pushing through
Realizing all the patterns you get to undo
For having dreams
Refusing to settle
Understanding you don’t have to silence your screams
For taking up space
And leaving a trace of words in a world with too much hate
Thank you for the spilled tears
Year after year we’re finally here
Your heart stayed clean
Finally learning to breathe