Little One,
Today you will feel confused, broken, and, though you won’t admit it, angry. I want you to know that all those feelings are perfectly acceptable. Your year seemed miserable because of so many decisions that you had absolutely zero control over. Yet, you persevered. Moved by school politics away from you friends to a new school; stuck in classroom with a teacher you struggle to connect with; I know the highlight of your day is teaching in the peer tutoring program. As you have helped Shane become more confident in his reading, he has taught you to be more confident in yourself, your faith, and place in this world.
Right now, you know something is wrong and the adults around you won’t tell you because they know what will come when they do. Your innocent smile will be shattered with sorrow as you learn of the death of your friend. They didn’t mean to hide it from you but as pastors your parents couldn’t tell you until things were settled. Later your mom will tell you how she could feel your sorrow before it came. Your Dad will sit by your bedside stroking your hair until the tears stop and exhaustion take you.
Do not feel guilt in the coming days over pushing your teacher’s hug away or walking away from discussions over what happened. You will grieve in your own way. Adults will give you loads of advice. They will talk about closure and honoring your friend. You don’t have to do it in the ways they suggest. You will do it on your own, in your own way.
Your healing will start small; checking the book out of the library that you were reading with him and finishing it, sounding out and defining the parts you think he might struggle with. In a few months you will be give up the flash cards you made for him, they will be used to help other kids. Eventually you will be able to enjoy recess again. Before the end of the year, you will even be able to let someone sit in “his” seat next to you on the bus. Until then, be glad you play the trombone. It makes a great shield until you are ready.
Most of all, know that this is not the end of Shane’s story. You will think of him often and even tell stories of him. As you grow up, you will take solace in writing and glimpses of him will appear in the characters you commit to page. You will recall how when you were struggling helping someone else succeed eased that burden just a little. So, you will honor Shane and his inherent generosity by helping someone else. You will relive those moments of teaching and friendship as you help your nephews. For the rest of your life this relationship will shape how you interact with children, and you will be called upon to make a difference in difficult situations. As a camp counselor, a volunteer, an Auntie, and a friend you will be entrusted to care for children that are struggling with grief, confusion, brokenness, and anger.
Shane’s memory lives on in the people whose lives he touched, a surprising number for someone so young. You are one of those people and you will do him proud.

Mis Jess,
Well hello! How are you doing? I know it’s a silly question to ask yourself, but it is good to check-in every once in a while and assess. In case you are wondering, you are doing okay. It doesn’t always feel like it but that’s okay. Thank you for pushing through crappy parts and seeing through to better days. You have been brave through so much, thanking you for getting us this far.
I know one of your favorite quotes comes from Rent. “The opposite of war isn’t peace. It’s Creation!” You have made that such a driving force over the last few years it is beautiful to see. You take the “wars” around you and internalize that pain before you realize it. However, you have managed to channel that energy and rather than allow it to eat at your soul and sour your attitude you have transformed it into storytelling, art, and caring for others.
It is terrifying to be so different, especially from those you love, but you choose to embrace the spectrum of viewpoints you encounter. You choose to see as beautiful. You choose to seek out good in the in the worst of situations and present to anyone who will listen. Even though you sometimes fail miserably at that, you haven’t spent that time focusing on the negative or living in a state of hopelessness, or worse, apathy. Caring can often hurt but you refuse to let it defeat you.
Do you hear that word; that theme in you? You continually choose. It’s got me through some of the darkest times and it will serve you well in the future.
You struggle to see the beauty in you. Don’t we know it? While I wish we could see what others seem to see in us, do you take the time each day to appreciate how much difference you make in the world? Maybe making a difference just means accepting you are different. You are wonderfully weird, my sweet. Love yourself each day as much as I love you in this moment.

Uniquely Yours,
You