I find it difficult to put into words how much I adore my younger self. As a child, I viewed the world as this beautiful place, where my imagination soared and I could live carefree. There was no pressure to be somebody. My heart was pure. My thoughts were pure. The world had barely left a mark on me.

My childhood took place in La Crosse, Wisconsin. Lush trees and bodies of water surrounded me. My inner child soured in this magical place. What I loved most about myself in this environment was how carefree I truly was. I specifically remember rolling down the hills in my neighborhood. Huge belly laughs coming out. The grass stains in my pants never came out, but the thrill made it all worth it. With that, I never truly cared about what people thought of me. I wore those stained pants proudly.

This goes into my next point. I was extremely connected. I knew what I wanted and was strong in my decision-making. I never questioned myself. I was tuned in. For instance, in the summer, children spend most of their time with their friends. Summer is all about the endless opportunities to play. But for me, I enjoyed being inside, with myself. Coloring alone was far more entertaining than with others. So, when my neighborhood friends came up to ask me to play, more often than not, I turned them down. I knew at the ripe age of 6 how to say no. And, I never thought twice. I didn’t worry about if I hurt their feelings or if I made the wrong choice. I stuck with it. This has been and always will be one of my greatest strengths.

As firm as I was, I also had an extremely kind heart. My motherly instincts were always present. For example, I would spend plenty of time around my cat, Sophie. I took care of her as if she was my baby. We spent many mornings out in the backyard together exploring. I consistently pet her and snuck her treats. She was family. Not only did I nurture, but I was empathetic. I was the type of child who bawled during sad movies because I felt all of the emotions. Because of how compassionate I was, I would treat others with love. I loved to share warm conversations that lit up the room. Through experience, my kindness grows stronger and stronger. And I hope to continue to spread as much light as I have.

All in all, being a child is one of the most beautiful and pure experiences. I had nothing holding me back and all of the time in the world to be my most pure self. It is a joy to look back at the memories. And cheers to the memories ahead!

I’ve been thinking about you lately,
Talking and laughing about memories you gave me,
The older you isn’t the same you see,
He misses you so bad it drives him crazy,
I know that being alone so long wasn’t easy,
And getting older shows how cold the cold shoulders can be,
Freezing.
But in that little fortress of solitude where they stored you,
You built something nobody saw coming,
You’ve astounded me with your creativity,
Given me ideas I’ll spend a lifetime realizing,
You have value unspoken and unspeakable,
The peaks in that gargantuan little head seem unreachable,
You’re everything I am and more than I could ever be,
I love you,
And this is love I extend to everything you give me,
I promise you,
I’ll tell your stories,
‘Till they’re written in the stars,
And when the stargazers peer into the beyond,
It won’t be me they see,
It’ll be you.

Hang in there, baby girl,
I know it’s dark,
and you’re alone and so afraid
but there’s a spark,
a hope for light and warmth,
a sense of purpose.
I see the strengths that
simmer ‘neath the surface.
I know you just feel different
but hold on tight
to that heightened sense of justice.
One day you’ll fight
not only for yourself
and the good you deserve
(yes, I know it will take time
but you’ll see your worth).
One day you will learn
the problem isn’t you.
It’s not your body,
nor your brain, nor anything you do.
You see, you’re neurospicy
hold on thirty more years
and you’ll find yourself at home
amongst neurodivergent peers,
and you’ll heal from all the trauma
and the lessons that you’ve learned
(and yes, I know the price was high,
I’ve seen the scars you’ll earn)
and you’ll become exactly
who you’re meant to be,
an advocate who champions
the beauty in diversity.
I know you’ll come to hate
when people compliment
your grit and your tenacity,
calling you resilient,
but the thing is that it’s true:
you’ve always had a way
of holding on and pushing through,
you don’t give in to pain,
and whilst I hope one day
you’ll learn to stop and rest,
learn to fill your own cup too,
for you deserve the best
(you’re worth joy and laughter,
your boundaries respected,
being loved the way you are,
celebrated and accepted)
I know the traits they now call faults
will stand you in good stead.
What’s now labeled aggressive
is just being direct.
Your lack of tact is honesty.
A bossy girl can lead.
Being opinionated means
that you’ll speak out when there’s a need.
I wish you didn’t fear
that you will never be enough.
I wish you didn’t question
if you’re worthy to be loved.
But one day you’ll look back
and see that all along,
you never were the problem
and don’t need to change to belong.
You’ll become the heroine
you wish would help you now,
you’ll fight for those who need one too,
you’ll enact change somehow.
You’ll sit with self compassion
and analyse your past,
and go back in your memories,
the storms you thought would last,
you’ll find yourself within
and you’ll embrace that inner child.
You’ll heal her with the love she needs,
you’ll watch her with a smile.
You’ll see her strengths and point them out
(she’ll struggle to believe you)
but you’ll just smile and hold her close
and say I hate to leave you,
knowing what you’re living through
and what is still to come,
but hold in there and know I’m proud
of who you will become.

This girl. I love this girl.

She looks at me with innocence in her eyes…

She loves the vulnerability of all things weak, all things alive.
She loves sitting by the underdog when the world would eat him alive

She loves the look of passion in a stranger’s eyes and the way time doesn’t exist-it just simply flies

And I fucking love her.
Unconditionally.

But how could I?
Because she’s me.
Because she’s the one who holds me every morning and night
She’s the one putting up a fight

To be a better person and create a better world

Spinning with ideas in a room full of glass
She’s building a mosaic and stitching the past

Stained glass floods the room,
And she’s sitting in the corner with her aura eternally blue,

She lives with characters drawing stories in her head and making forts in her bed,

She walks to music that others can’t hear and considers herself a pioneer,

The world she lives in moves with her and understands the way she thinks.
And when she moves with gratitude, her creations are of another magnitude.

She creates symphonies with her brain and proposes ideas others find insane.

But I love her,
And I think she is imperfectly human.
Genuine and honest.
I love her, is that okay?

To my inner child
Look at you so headstrong, gentle, and just a little wild
Your love is both deep and wise beyond years
Matched with passion of the firebrand and chaos of electric storms
This world tried to twist you and break your heart
Yet never did you strike back with hate or malicious intent even when falling apart.
Ever as the life tree in a storm your limbs bent but never broke entire
When the storms came, and break was expected, in resilience our girl became a phoenix a fire.
Burned her forest glen to ash as she sits amidst the devastation
The inner child looks about with magic in her eyes
Low and behold new growth she spies…
Then guides my hand to a seedling amidst the ash
As she giggles and whispers in answer to the question unsaid “help it grow”

Dearest part of me, Little Bee
Always buzz buzz buzzing free
So happy and willing to be seen
Contrast to this self-effacing she
Where I breathe weak
Your bravery roots deep
Down to the depths of our trauma
Remaining after all these days
The Flora to my Fauna
You’ve had to be our Mama
In so many different ways
And carry us through difficulty
While loving unconditionally
Dancing boldly to wind’s song
Even when I have cold feet
You’re strong like an old tree
Gently swaying me along
Or sheltering when I retreat
You taught us to hope and dream
With the joy of playing dress-up
Our closet overgrown with good luck
Everyday still buds a new costume
You are my soul in full bloom
Forever young but older and wise
Growing together side by side
Branching us out with you our guide
Undoubtedly Love you’ll always be
The single greatest part of me

You’re going through a lot, dear inner child,
And so much around you looks so unclear,
The adults around you are drunk and wild,
You hide yourself away out of deep fear.

They’re raising you but they do not know you,
And they never will know you very well,
For now there is not much that you can do,
But hide in your mind away from that hell.

Your curiosity is your escape,
Your distraction from the dark world you see,
Tools and materials for your dreamscape,
You live to learn and it sets your soul free.

Many days you will barely want to wake,
But your curious mind gives you reasons,
You get yourself up for knowledge’s sake,
Your thirsty brain pushes you through seasons.

The kids at school are no kinder to you,
In everyone’s eyes you’re different and weird,
But curiosity drives all you do,
And it’s the reason you have persevered.

Curiosity is why you’re alive,
And while the world won’t show much love for you,
Someday it’ll be the reason you thrive,
And why some will appreciate what you do.

Your curious mind is armor to you,
It made you want to live and so we do,
It saved your life more than you ever knew,
It’s what I love the most about you too.

Dear Inner Child,

Your roots have spread across me and I am sprouting stories filled with melancholy. A child’s sadness is ripe and sour. Your sensitivity warms my chest, my darling, what happened isn’t your fault.

When the sun finds my cheek I am reminded
of your rioted simplicity, of your warm eagerness
shadowed with fear. If I could hold you, I would.
If you could love you, you would. It’s okay.
It was never your fault but
Do you think you deserved it?

I no longer do. Still, the memory inside me is wrinkled by guilt. When the grass runs through my fingertips I see bits of you sprinkled in the green. Your naivety,
your love. It feels like nostalgia spun
up my ribs with your vines. It was never our fault but

I’d still love you if it were. If the sun went down and never came up if the breeze ran still and the world went quiet,
I imagine I’d feel you rise within me like a marigold, yellow and familiar like grandma’s house.
Your resilience.

I’ll always admire that. The dark quiet holes you have dug yourself out of—your persistence of life.

Love,
You.

Hey Little Girl,

How are you? I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately. You know, reminiscing and stuff on the way things used to be. We had a lot of fun back then. I mean for real, we had a time! Lol… I miss you.
So hey, I’m sorry that things weren’t always the easiest and times got dark. One thing I learned as a grown-up, life be lifin. But you were always so strong and brave. Kids are resilient, they say. Your resilience was beautiful. In the ugliest of times, you always remained so sweet.
That’s what I love the most about you,
Your incredible soul.
So I wanted to let you know,
I’ve been doing the work and I’m coming to save you.
I… I mean, we have been healing.
And I just had to tell you that, it’s okay.
It’s okay to think for yourself.
It’s even okay to speak for yourself.
It’s okay to slow down and need a break.
It’s okay to take up space.
It’s okay to be misunderstood!
But it’s also okay to be loved.
I mean loved real good.
To be met with patience and warmth.
To be admired like a shining star.
Because you are.
You shouldn’t have to fight to be heard.
I know you never felt seen.
I’m sorry everybody seemed so mean.
You can be different, matter of fact you should!
That’s how we shake things up, in a way you never knew you could.
It’s okay to feel scared.
It’s actually okay to feel all of your feelings (who knew???).
But I hope you remember forever more,
That it is very okay to be the uniquely wonderful you.
Stay sweet girl.

Love you always,
Moni

P.S.- I’m so glad we’re healing.

It’s fun being a girl having the style that I like.
Having a flow that’s real smooth.
Having that bad, mad, sizzling, loving, tender, and smart attitude.
Having independence and confidence in yourself.
Being who you are and who you want to be.
Being strong, being independent, and at the same time being a lady.
It’s fun being who you want to be.
It’s fun doing what you want to do.
So be it, be who you want to be.
Do what you want to do.
Be everything that a girl is but as far as me I’m everything that a girl is because
everything that a girl is, is who I want to be!

Dear little Aalijah,

You wrote those words when you were ten.
Entering it into a competition; you had no idea that you’d win.

Yet the words flowed right from the heart.
You truly loved who God created you to be.
A Girl—unbeknownst to the light that shined within her brighter than a star.

A personality so sweet, yet spunky.
So creative, yet inspiring.
Talented, intelligent, beautiful, unique.
Funny, witty, joyful, genuine, always eager to learn, and optimistic.
You are everything you were meant to be.

What I love the most about you is that you were filled with so much love.
Love for God and church, love for your yourself, love for family, love for friends,
love for school, love for all things.
This love fueled your zeal for life.
No, you were not perfect. But what you are is a gift from God and a blessing.
No flaw, no challenge, no hardship could ever deter what Abba designed.
You are fearfully and wonderfully made.
Both the good and the bad were woven together to build you up just right-
All for God’s glory in which He purposed and aligned.

I know the passing of Grandma hurt you.
I know the neglect and rejection you went through.
I know the bullying you endured and the offense it made you feel—the wall you
put up and the tears you held in.
All of it had a part in taking away your love and zeal.
You were heartbroken. Feelings kept hidden. Pain buried deep.
You often felt misunderstood and didn’t know how to be.

I want to reassure you that God has always been there tending to you like a
Shepherd as it says in Psalms 23.
He is the God who sees. He has always seen you.
Little Lijah, our pain was not in vain but it was always meant to grow us gradually.
In writing this piece, my hope is that your love and zeal come back whole-
heartedly.
I pray to share in the zest and joy of life with you again.
This pain will no longer be a thorn or a hinderance.
But it will be a reminder of your little heart, once broken but soon mended.

What I love the most about you are your child-like innocence.
Your trust, your enthusiasm, and you simply being carefree.
Bigger me misses that from little you.
One of the attributes that seemed to be lost in between all the things.
Self-Consciousness & anxiety has often filled in where carefree should be.
Mistrust has placed trust in the back seat.
& often times sadness and depression has evaporated any ounce of enthusiasm—
making it hard to be joy filled & happy.
Although there have been life events that have tried taking the simple gifts away.
I want you to know it is still within you.
It may be buried deep but you carry it every day.
My prayer is with this poetic letter, you’d allow it to come out and that these
things would stay.

Little Aalijah, you are so deserving of all your heart has ever wanted.
You are special. You are loved, you are heard and seen.
You are wanted by God and you don’t have to be perfect.
You often were a perfectionist but with Abba He loves you for who He created
you to be.
That is truly all that matters—the approval of one & that is God’s alone.
You no longer have to people please.
You are chosen.
You are kept by The Father and in His heart, you are known.
His eyes are on you and His heart is for you.
He is enough.
You are enough.
Please let your heart believe.
Be confident again.
Believe again. Dream again. Be fully free!

Once again, when you were ten you said everything that a girl is, is who you want
to be.
Well the last thing I loved about you and still do is that you were everything a
girl is as little me.
But now more than ever you are everything that a woman, mother, lady, daughter of God and a princess is to be.

Please be healed and whole. Without limits, let our heart be fruitful, loving, carefree, and happy!

Signed, Sealed, Delivered yours truly!

His right eye twitching,
That side smile brimming,
His urge to compete is a hungry feeling,
To gain greater Knowledge,
Produce more Excellence,
And be of great Service.

Be it second or third fourth or sixth,
He was first once but I plead the fifth,
Strong and Steadfast, that sounds like a myth,
Strove for Integrity, what a giff,
I am proud of his Assiduity,
Just like that time at the spelling bee.

Standing up that stage felt like finding a master key,
Though it would take a millennium for a win.
The hunger was there, fighting and yearning to be free.
Sadly the good foods were present where the eyes could see.

Despite the new size and no picks at football,
He won more accolades and kept walking tall,
In Shakespeare, he’s Shy-of-luck (Shylock) of the Venetian Merchant,
Then as a Thai King (King & I) asking for a dance, “oh perchance!”
With a high school year always being in the middle,
‘Til the last year where he stopped being second fiddle.

Full of stories of day and a different outlook,
Someone told him to settle down and write a book,
With his love of movies with monsters and fighters,
He picked the pen and wrote a hero-themed tiger.
He turned a weakness into a great strength,
He hated poems but now look at his depth.
If I haven’t said it yet, but now in front of this crowd,
From the very bottom of my heart, I am very proud.

Dear Bernie,
Life has been challenging but it will get better. Despite your circumstances, I just want to tell you that I am proud of you. Your mom gave you away because she wasn’t fit to take care of you. Her best decision was to place you in a safe, loving home with a better family. I know you were only 3 months old and not able to understand why this had happened. I pray you forgive her one day. Mistakes were made and lessons were learned. It was all for the betterment of your well-being. Don’t worry, just because you got pregnant at 14 and 16, that didn’t make you a failure. There was just a little disappointment  from your parents because they had other plans for you. 

I love that you didn’t allow the disappointment  to slow down or quit. You had two beautiful girls before 17, and you PERSEVERED!  You showed up for yourself everyday. No matter who judged you for your choices, you stayed strong and excelled. All those scary moments where you were unsure about what to do next, you figured it out.

Remember, when you were learning how to ride a bike without training wheels for the first time. You were only four years old and so unafraid. Your dad was very determined to get you to learn that day. He had faith in you and knew you were capable. It just took some practice and a few falls. I love how every time you fell, you got right back up. You didn’t say “I hate this, I quit!” You cried a little, wiped your tears and tried again. That’s how life will be. Stay geared up! Fall and get back up and try again. In the words of Aaliyah, your favorite singer,” If at first you don’t succeed, dust yourself off and try again, try again”.  

You are so courageous and have overcome many obstacles. You are a fearless being. It’s okay if you’re afraid of pigeons. You will overcome that as well. If you had to get into the boxing ring with one, you would WIN (LOL). That’s what you know to do best. I love your creativity and  your brainpower to think outside the box. I love the caring side of you. You are always looking out for everyone. You’d give your last to please someone else. Be careful with who you give your last to, because the wrong person could take advantage. Everyone’s intentions aren’t as pure as yours. It’s one of your greatest superpowers to help others. I love the way your heart smiles when you make others happy. The joy it brings to you is so exceptional. The world needs more people like you. I love when you  challenge yourself. Even when you’re feeling doubtful, you make an effort. You push yourself because it’s just naturally in you. You may be unaware of your potential at times. Don’t let that deter you from getting to where you are headed. You have a bright future waiting for your arrival. 

Falling may seem like a bad thing right now but ironically, it will be your greatest success. It will teach you many lessons that will prepare you to be a better human to this world and a better mother to your girls when they are older. Trust and believe, your daughters will go through similar situations. The difference is, they will have you as a mother. They will be confident to come to you and ask for help. They won’t be afraid to be themselves because their mother won’t judge them. They will learn from your story and be abe to create their own, so when they are ready to pass down advice and knowledge to their future children, you will always be the first person they think of. Never forget where you have come from, tell your mother you love her and you appreciate all that she has done. After all, none of this would have been possible without her. She is so proud of you and you should be proud of yourself as well.

Sincerely,
Bernadette

How are you so care free?
What do you mean? I’m just living.
Huh, such a simple mindset that you have.
Well yea, where is the need to complicate things?
I…I guess you’re right, I’ve just forgotten how to ride the wave over the years.
It looks like you’ve gotten serious with the things that you should be playing with.
I love your free spirit and miss your going with the flow attitude. I wish I was able to get back to that again!
Wow… they sure did some work on us huh?
What do you mean?
You’ve lost your light being concerned with society. You’ve tired to control your life so much that you’ve suffocated yourself. I am not gone but you are killing me. So, if you want to be what you used to be, you got to let go and let me breathe.

love photos of
black bodies
dancing across screens
taken with stolen apertures

it’s a silly game me and the plane
play
back n forth
my skin not yet shiny enough
not yet translucent
theirs blasting with luminosity

wanna kiss the boy in that
picture
tell him he’s okay
don’t need to be no shiny dancer
but then again
who’s gonna kiss the little girl in
me
and tell her she’s alright
i’m scared they will drown her
in tales of african hymnals
from the mouth of an ivory individual
or maybe of lessons learned
through the guise of a
forgetful father or
intentional deceiver
either way lessons
engraved in the pretty
skull all the way

Do you remember how
we play in places like this-
rocky, tumultuous, blank?
How we take this stone hollow,
and make it hallowed with treasure:

A smooth pebble.
The feather Mom said would make us sick.
This perfect, crooked stick.

Let me tuck you in to this place
just for us, guarded by
a thicket of brambles.

Did you know fruit grows here,
like magic in the thorns?
Sometimes juicy, sometimes sharp,
always a gift.

Do all grown ups grow into caves?
Do you keep here empty on purpose,
so that little treasures can keep a home?
So sweet things can live inside?

M. McGonagle
2024

Fluidity! I am scattered and I am dispersing. I have always been my five year old self; engulfed in (!), fixated on (!), and deeply treasuring (!) the new curiosities to be gained from our bedroom television. And she had always been me; a gender abomination, and a scientist studying its unexpected amalgamations: the bane of binary—oh, she thrives in contradiction! I know all of time exists already, for the way I am, will exist inside of my older self (as the way I was, lives within me). She finds neglected pockets in my memory to store her valued collections of information, and I repurpose her research to rebuild her residence. I love her so, just as I will love them (me).

Oh sweet little me,
I see you.
Thank you for your strength.
Don’t worry; we still see the world just as brightly,
I made sure to try my hardest.
We still love just as loudly,
but we’ve gained perspective.
We are still just as creative and just as inspired,
but with that came knowledge.
The knowledge to know that they loved you
as hard as they could,
as hard as they knew,
but just because
it wasn’t as loud as you
doesn’t mean it wasn’t love.
The knowledge to know that
not everybody has your best intentions,
even when they tell you
that their intentions are best.
You stayed strong
and understanding.
I wish I could tell you better but,
all I can say is,
they tried.
I know they did their best
and even though
I’m finally living my childhood
at twenty-six,
I know that everything
I have
is because of you.
I love that you grew up for us,
I’m just sorry I couldn’t give you the
memories
that I have now.
Then maybe you could understand
everything going on around you.
Thank you for your sacrifice.
I put you through hell
because
I knew
there was light at the end of the tunnel.
I’m sorry you were the lamb for slaughter.
My sacrifice hurt you.
My sacrifice tore you to shreds.
My sacrifice gave you the scars you resent
and put hate in your heart.
I hurt you.
I’m sorry I’m selfish
I’m sorry that you went hungry
for love and joy.
Thank you for taking care of us.
You raised us just right.
Thank you for your sacrifice.
The sun shines just as bright.

Hey you,

I miss you. I wonder if you know the depth of my love for you. I wonder if you know you are always enough. I remember you, truly, for who you are.

We have days when we feel like we won’t make it. Please know the lies that tell you you aren’t worth it are not true. That’s depression speaking, not you. And by the way… we make it! And you excel in a way that is only for you. It isn’t always perfect, but it is beautiful and just right for you.

You see yourself as a wallflower now, but boy, have you bloomed. Your life has become a garden that flourishes in any room. The seed within you continuously blossoms to new heights. It is vibrant with color, flavor, and curiosity, starting from within but forever reaching out.

God created you to be merciful and kind.

I bet you won’t believe me, but we love ourself now. Things still get hard, and you still may not always feel pretty enough, athletic enough, or bubbly enough. But both God and I know that you are more than enough. You are and always have been the apple of His eye. Fearfully and wonderfully made is what you are.

Those quirks you think bring shame have paved the way.

Baby, you are one of the Lord’s blessings to this world. You don’t realize it, but you save lives.

Remember when we learn about the power of the tongue? I hate that we tore down, but we forgive ourself now. Mistakes are something you hate, but you take them as opportunities to grow. For that, I’m proud of you. While you still make a few, you also give hope.

I just pray that you see the good qualities in you as well. You love and change lives, however large or small.

You may not be remembered as the girl with the most perfect curve or smile, but generosity, creativity, and spunk are just fine. I know you still ruminate over insults, but the power of forgiveness truly heals. Every word someone says does not define you.

No, you aren’t remembered by what you wear, stellar grades, or the way your hips sway when you walk. They remember you now as the girl who is sweet and kind and that is more than fine.

Do you remember the school assembly? Yeah, that one. The one where you did not expect to be honored. I know you didn’t care about the applause and standing ovation then, but what you did is worth mentioning. I’m proud of you, Ashley, both then and now.

You stood with anxieties shivering down your spine as you picked the skin of your thumb, waiting for it to be over. The last thing you ever want is to be noticed.

Do you remember the count? 1, 2, 3, 4… we still count to calm our mind from spiraling and tangling like vines. You don’t know why you fight your mind until now. We fight silent battles of anxiety, depression, and even OCD.

I’m sorry that you didn’t know or get help back then, but I’m so proud of you for trying and never giving in.

You always stand up for others. I admire that about you. However, I hope you are proud of me too because I’m a bit older now and I stand up for you.

I know you want to be known for academic success, but there is so much more to life than that. It pains me to know that you think you don’t shine, but you’re wrong about that. I forgive you for that.

You love and care ferociously. I love you dearly for that. You see the little things that many don’t notice there is a purpose in that.

Do you remember when your teacher told you that you were just a little different and may not always fit in? I’m so proud of you for staying true to yourself despite the pressure from the crowd. You encourage me to be brave like you every day that I live.

You don’t know it now, but it’s okay to be different. The differences in you pave the way for others to fit in.

I know you don’t see it yet, but the seeds of love you sow into others contribute to a heavenly garden, and best of all, it allows others to witness the love of your Father.

Before I say see you later, I want you to know we are proud of you. And He STILL delights in you.

I’m here for you,
Ash