I have smelled early morning dew.
I have felt rain on a cold and sunny day.
I have seen a babe be born.
I have been held by a mother whose presence was all that was needed.
I have watched nature and its peak of beauty.
I have also watched nature at its cruelest.
I have seen Many amazing sunrises.
I have seen just as beautifully, the sun set.
I have touched the face of those with frowns.
I have worn magnificent gowns.
I have felt the muscles of a horse beneath me.
I have tasted the berries and fruit so sweetly.
I have laughed with loved ones.
I have cried with loved ones.
I have married my worst enemy.
I have also married my best friend.
I have had sorrow.
I’ve had joy that never ends.
I have a sang million songs.
I have traveled near and far away.
I have had my heart broken.
I have broken a heart.
I have met thousands of people.
I have lost a few.
I have lost many times in life, just as much as I have won.
I have accepted Christ as my Savoir and learned about the Son.
So it’s not the things that I have done that I regret, but those I have yet to do!

It is a motto that I’ve come to greatly cherish across the span of time I’ve been on this earth. It keeps me grounded, especially when I find myself feeling overwhelmed by the troubles that decide to surface in each passing day. One day at a time. A simple phrase, but a powerful reminder that I don’t need to reach for the worries of the morrow. That’s right. I only need to focus on what’s right in front of me in this increment of time. It also tells me that even if the ‘day’ itself seems too long, I can break it down even further. Yes; to the hours, minutes, and seconds. Sometimes, it’s the very thoughts of these that help one to hang on by a thread. Like a friend that holds your hand, gives it a squeeze, and reminds you to breathe.

Dear You,
From the day you were born, you had trouble.
Your parents always told you, “if you were the first you would have been the last.”
Your siblings always called you “fat lips” or “venus fly trap.”
Your friends always criticized you for asking “stupid” questions.
The hard truth is, you just didn’t know.
You thought you were going to be the highschool dropout, the failure of the family, the
kid that people always called “not the brightest crayon in the box” because you couldn’t read, or
write, or count, or do anything in particular.
Your looks were average, your learning capabilities were below average, so what could
you do to make it to the top of the food chain?
Absolutely nothing.
Cry yourself to sleep, harm yourself until your Mom screams at you and your Granny
tells you how disappointed she is. But it’s okay, you only wanted the attention anyway.
To feel loved, really.
You went from school, to school, to school.
Teachers could not teach,
Kids laughed at you for getting the answer wrong,
And you hated yourself.
Your favorite color was blue, you loved to read, and lacrosse was your escape from
reality.

You finally found your way up the food chain, you were athletic, you were called a
daredevil for the crazy things you did, but sometimes, you felt scared.
Mom and Dad wanted you to play lacrosse in college, but you were barely getting
through elementary school, middle school, high school. Everything was so pointless and you just
wanted to lay in bed until your Dad yelled at you to do something, anything, anywhere.
You found joy when you got two kittens. You named them Sassy and Buddy. They helped
you through the pandemic.
You got to snuggle them and they would never tell you anything that you didn’t want to
hear.
They only ever loved you.
You were diagnosed with mental disorders and learning disabilities.
Buddy had emergency surgery. He didn’t make it. Neither did your old dog, Lexi. Your
world shattered.
You vowed to cherish your animals for as long as possible. You vowed to take photos of
them whenever you could. You never know when they will leave this world.
You tried to be happy for the people around you. For your friends, your siblings, your
parents and teachers and anyone else who cared. It was always so, so hard.
You rediscovered your love for writing. Your teacher at your new school cared about you
and looked out for you. You made new friends. You committed to a college to play lacrosse. You
felt like you were healing.
You got into that college. You went to a suicide victim’s funeral, and then another. You
became angry at them, for leaving such a beautiful world. But then you remembered how ugly it
had been to you.

You moved away to college. You went to your Grand Dad’s funeral. You had a hard time
fitting in. You had to put down one of your horses at home on the farm. Your confidence was
faltering. But your academics were the only thing that mattered.
A’s and B’s. No more, no less. If you fail, your whole life would be for nothing. Your
dreams would be lost. Fail and you lose.
You enter your second year of college, and you confessed to your teammate that you
weren’t happy. You confessed to yourself at that moment, and you cried. She tells you that she
loves you, and she’ll help you get through this. Your other teammates are nicer to you, they talk
to you and involve you in things. It makes you happy to feel loved.
Even when it may not be real.
In your heart it’s real. It will help you feel better about yourself.
You vowed to love everyone so they never feel how you did for your entire life.
You vowed to heal.
Your journey isn’t over, and you have a long way to go. But through the ups and downs
you finally feel like you’re ready to find peace with yourself.
Dear You,
Thank you for loving you when no one else would.
You’ve been through so much.

Best,

Nothing Ventured Nothing Gained
Inside the heart, the want is framed
Inside the mind to reason clear
To build the will to lose all fear

Nothing good with ease you gain
Risk arrives enrobed in pain
And all the hoops through which we dive
Are returns we seek to recognize

Undaunted in the quest we find
The soul’s desire to impel the mind
Toward the goal ahead so near yet far
To win each battle and embrace the scars

The war is real with weapons few
So we cross the lines to make the coup
For nothing ventured nothing gained
And the win we find is worth all the pain

Dear Mom… I’m sorry about my last letter.
Guess that was a big event for you too, huh?

Our last words will be our last.
I can’t tell you all I want to say, I want to, but I can’t.
Least not to your face, like always.

I miss you, I love you. I’m sorry.
A thousand times sorry, I had to go, I had to.

2021 was his 10th anniversary, and for each of those years, I did my best.
I was still a child, Mom. Where did you go…? Why were the walls of your room better than being with me? I wasn’t your natural born, and I sure know that now… She made sure of that.

I’m sorry about my last letter, Mom. It took months to find the courage. To say goodbye to the only person I ever knew. The meaning I gave my life – taking care of you. You wouldn’t know Mom, I cried myself to sleep for months after it. Wondering if I did the right thing, even though I had everyone’s full support, I tried. I tried. I gave my everything. I tried until I couldn’t.

It ended with us. And I’m the only one left out, like always.
I wanted the best for you, but I wanted the best for me too.
Neither of us was that.

I tried until my detriment, I tried. You were my world.
It has been some time, but life is better now,
and like before, it will get better again.

I miss you Mom, I hope you’re doing well.
I think about you almost every day.

I’m sorry I couldn’t stay, I know why…
Every day I wish I could come back, to when it was good.
Somewhere you started hating me…
Maybe I had too much of my biological father in me, I don’t know.
You did often compare us two, while I was growing up.
What did you see in me, that made you hate me…

Maybe I’ll write again, there’s still so much left to say. My letters will be to you like they are to Dad. Addressed to the void and the stars. Words left unsaid.

Even in those unsaid words, I can say things are better, I can say I still love you, I can say I miss you. Goodbye Mom, until we meet in the void again.

Tears rolled down my face as I realized for the first time that I had to take accountability for the parts I played in the heartache, grief and disappointment I had experienced in my life.

For the ones I loved, I had always been willing to show up at the drop of a dime. Even overlook my self to be of service to others and when it wasn’t reciprocated it devastated me. Often I wondered why I wasn’t good enough to be treated as I had treated others? Why was my passion for people draining me? Why wasn’t I valued as I valued others? As these thoughts plagued my mind; I had never felt fulfilled but yet I still gave of myself; even if it was just fumes of hope and perseverance.

As I lay one morning, spiritually empty and struggling to understand the purpose for my life and the unbalanced return of my goodness. I heard a faint laugh followed by a voice that questioned me. “Do you know why you continue to be disappointed by (hu)man?” I sat clueless, speechless and puzzled and God answered, “Because you put your expectations in everyone except me!” The realization had smacked me dead in the face! I had totally disregarded God by not trusting HIM to be whom he said HE IS, HAS BEEN AND WILL BE! I hadn’t leaned on him, yet I had expected from others, what I needed; not what they were able or capable to give. Neither had I took the time to see if they were knowledgeable of how to give it.

For example, when I needed and wanted love; I picked and set upon individuals my expectations on how, when, where and what I wanted that love to look like. I was completely unaware or either I totally disregarded if they even knew how to love; what love was; when to show it or express it.

God showed me in that moment that I had put more faith in his creation than HIM, THE CREATOR. How crazy was I to do that? I had been putting him last to depend on, consult with and follow. I had unconsciously considered (hu)man to be more fulfilling to me than God and that’s why I had felt so empty.

From that day I stepped out the way and asked God to be God! I have never put a human before him again. I trust him with all of me and every aspect of my life. And in return he has granted me some of my greatest desires and the greatest of them all is MY PEACE. It wasn’t until I begin to trust him did I discover it had laid dormant in me the entire time, I just had to release it.

We often live our lives with expectations someone else set for us.
“Do you have children?”
“What do you do for work?”
“Are you married?”
Overly asked common questions.
When responded with “no,” it’s met with judgment as those tools are what we use to commonly measure the success of a person.
“Are you happy?”
A question that is rare but important.
I found joy within myself when I stopped following what was expected of me and began living for what made my soul shine.
Expressing my creative side
That’s why I exist
I don’t believe in guilty pleasures
Why should I feel ashamed for what brings me a glimmer of glee?
When I die I don’t want to be remembered as an individual who was stuck in a pattern of endless misery
I want to be remembered as the peculiar girl who lived life blissfully
I get one life and I don’t plan to waste it by living it in a way that isn’t true to who I am

“People seldom do what they believe in. They do what is convenient, then repent.”- Bob Dylan

Cold, antiseptic air crushes down upon my chest
as barely padded steel pushes back from the other side,
effectively pinning my teenage body to a table
in a darkened room I don’t want to be in.
A heartbeat pounds in my ears— too fast
to be mine, yet instantly mine.
I watch the screen flutter with blurred vision,
regret for what I was there to do soaking my shamed face,
igniting a fierce protectiveness older than time.
My mind reaches outward to thank God
for orchestrating my enlightenment
and the pressure dissipates, replaced by determination that’s both weightless and dense.
Visions of my future shift faster than high-frequency sound images freeze and unfreeze,
their light searing fate’s Morse code into my consciousness
and I know with absolute certainty that any plans I had dreamt up
before this moment were imagined for an alternate self—
one who wasn’t yet strong enough to tackle life for two.

Dear Grandma,

She believed she could, so she did.

I remember the palm-sized wall art of this quote you gifted me and its journey. Lost years ago, as we were cleaning out your house, it lives now only in my mind. My thoughts can easily travel back to when you gave it to me.

Back in time, a knock sounded at my door as I decorated my desk with crystals and a photograph of my boyfriend and me.

“Someone’s here to see you,” the office manager told me.

As I turned toward the door, I saw you in a bright blue pantsuit that matched your vibrant personality.

“Grandma!” I exclaimed. “What are you doing here?”

I recall your embrace and wish I could return to that hug.

You stepped back, examining me. “I heard you started working here and saw this little sign. It reminded me of you, and I thought it could inspire you on your desk.”

Reading the sign aloud, “She believed she could, so she did,” I couldn’t help but reflect on my career aspirations. I always had different plans for my life than answering phones at a plumbing company. It’s essential work but not the path I’d always wanted to take.

On this day, your kind eyes had a hint of sadness beneath them. You’d just lost the love of your life: your husband and my Papa. After his passing, all of our smiles contained a tinge of sadness. The love among us all was magic, but the magic had lost some spark.

When you love big, you lose big.

As this memory fades, I transport myself to the next part of the sign’s journey. I wish I had asked you to stay for a moment longer.

I was walking into your hospital room, which had become your new home after brain surgery.

Hoping you would remember me that day, I reached for your hands as I sat before you.

“Hi, Grandma,” I said in a gentle tone. “I brought you something.” Pulling the sign out from my back, I displayed it for you.

She believed she could, so she did.

I placed the art on the ledge below your window. “Do you remember when you gave me this sign when I started a new job? I think you need it more now. Maybe if you see it by your window every day, it will help.”

I’ll never know if the sign helped you, but the dreamer in me hopes it brought you peace.

I hope it reminded you of the enduring love you and Papa created. You both made a legacy that will continue past your deaths. You brought love and unbreakable bonds into the world, which is magic in a time of such division.

They say we take nothing when we pass, but I don’t think the sentiment is always true.
Sometimes, we take a little piece of the hearts of those we left behind.

As we celebrate holidays without you now, I know our hearts are emptier than before. We attempted to fill the void when we chose our favorite belongings from your house to put in our homes. Books to sit on our shelves, decorations to live on our mantles, and Christmas ribbon to decorate our trees. These shared memories and belongings connect us, even in your absence.

We all think of you as we decorate our trees with your Christmas ornaments. The endless love you gave us stamped our hearts like a tattoo, and your signature phrases have become our own.

We’ll teach our kids what you taught all of us.

“Stick together.”

“Love each other through anything – through everything.”

We’ll all fill our children’s and grandchildren’s hearts like you filled ours.

It’s our job now to continue the magic you created and reignite the spark.

We’ll do it because we believe we can, and we believe we should.

I like to think you were greeted by Papa and your dad when you fell asleep for the last time.

When I take my last breath, I hope you greet me.

I’ll smile and tell you: “Grandma, I believed I could, so I did.”

Love,
Rachael

Dear Unsealers,

Life has an interesting way of getting us from one place to another. Often times to get from one place to another it can sometimes require walking through something difficult. That is exactly what I am wanting to share with you.

I remember being young and realizing I wanted to go into a specific profession. I dedicated my life to achieving this goal. I started going to college and volunteering with this organization. Every decision I made was geared towards working at this organization. It became my life. I began surrounding myself around the people that worked and volunteered with. I slowly began working more and more hours there. This organization became my world. It was all I could see.

As 2020 hit I was considered an essential worker so I worked through the pandemic. The type of work I did I was constantly on call and would often take my work home with me never really having separation between my personal and work life it was all so entangled. This was the year I finally graduated and was offered a position at this organization. After all those years of hard work I finally was living my dream. This was the last position I was going to have. Well that’s at least what I thought…

In 2021 I was sexually assaulted by a coworker in my home. I knew I had to come forward because I found out it happened to someone else. Upon coming forward I lost my dream position due to a decision I made out of fear that it would happen again. I was open about what I had done but it did not matter I was removed.

I had given every ounce of my being to this job. It became my family, my social world, and what I spent doing 7 days a week. In an instance it was gone. This thing that I had spent years working towards I had in my hands and it was ripped away. I did not know what to do and tried to end my life because I felt I no longer had a purpose.

I ended up needing to move away to try and rebuild. For the longest time I felt so lost, so broken and so alone because not only did I lose my job but I lost my whole social circle. While I was in it I knew it was unhealthy but I also knew that I never would have left on my own.

Looking back now as painful as it still is I can see how blessed I am that I am out of that environment. I have been presented with so many opportunities that I never would have had.

My message for you is that if you have just been injured and can no longer play your sport, if you have lost that dream job or are experiencing any major loss… I see you…. It hurts. It may feel like you have nothing to live for but I promise you you are resilient. You matter even without that sport or that job. There is so much more to life. You may not be able to see the light but take it day by day.

I am truly grateful for where I am now and how I have the privilege everyday to speak into the lives of our youth and to encourage them. Good things can come from the darkest parts of our stories. I now know my purpose was never that job. My purpose is not about my status. My purpose in life is to show kindness and love others and that is something no one can ever take away.

You are strong, you are brave and you are loved no matter where you are in your life or what you are facing. Joy will come.

One Saturday afternoon I got this weird feeling in my gut
I felt this deafening silence and decided to look you up
Your obituary appeared before my eyes and informed me that you are now dead
But not the kind of dead where services I can go to mourn
No… the kind of dead where you’ve already been from 3 years before
Only hours after this discovery and seeing the grass on your grave has already grown
My perception of time was forever blown
Then seeing a picture of you from our wedding displayed on your tombstone
I felt like my brain broke a little like a clock losing a part
So much to process and didn’t know where to start
In addition to my already throbbing broken heart
How could this be
I just don’t understand
Not one person could tell me you no longer stand
Even after divorce we still remained friends
We argued alot but didn’t notice our friendship had an end
Now you lay here before me and my whole world has changed
I feel weak and unsteady
And nothing around me looks the same
I know it was me who insisted on that first drink
I had no idea what that would bring
I guess I didn’t think
I asked for God’s forgiveness and I feel forgiveness he has given
I meant no harm. Just wanted a fun moderate way of living
I didn’t know what was in store
where most days for you without a drink would be such a bore
I know in the end you asked for me back because the winnings mattered no more
But by then I belonged to someone else and your drinking to me just sounded like a chore
But I go back to Burritos in bed
You playing frank sinatra before I lay down my head
You hit those lucky numbers and your bank account grew
The ups and downs in store for us we didn’t have a clue
I couldn’t keep up with your excitement for life
I thought it was enough just being your wife
I was there before your big bang
I was there before your bell rang
I felt like you left me choking on your dust
I felt so depressed, fat and alone that change for me became a must
I look up a lot and talk to the sky
I’m learning how to listen and am getting answers to my why’s
Your death saved my life
In heaven I’ll always be your wife
When I hear frank sinatra and purple rain
Memories of you dance around in my brain
My darling husband in heaven it was a heck of a ride
Thanks for hitting my feet with your tide

Dear Unsealers,

When I was married, my ex-wife and I fought a lot.

We were married for eight years, together for thirteen.

You would think we would learn to get along by then.

We tried couples therapy for almost three years, to no avail.

It came to me one day.

I never felt right with her.

I never felt as if I could tell her anything.

I hid a lot of my life from her.

She read me her journal entries.

I kept mine under lock and key.

Something inside of me told me not to trust her.

And it came to me:

I never felt like she was home to me.

I always felt out of place.

As if I weren’t welcome in her heart.

Because I never let her inside mine.

I left her the next day, for good.

I walked away from thirteen years of misery – emotional homelessness and destitution.

I could not, in my heart and soul, stay with her another day.

I thought that was the turning point of my life.

When I found a new place to live in, I felt the same.

I had not found home, even back with my family of origin.

My dad reluctantly welcomed me and threatened to kick me out several times.

I felt unwanted there, too.

When he died, I found relief.

But I still had not found home.

I was still with my loving mother, who said I always had a home with her.

She meant a domicile, not a true home.

I don’t think I knew what a home was, yet I was still trying to find it.

I searched far and wide.

I drove everywhere, speaking with the locals.

I formed tight friendships locally, sharing our lives together.

Where was home?

I still hadn’t found it.

It was not under a roof.

It was not with loved ones either.

I searched outside of myself my entire life – for four decades.

It was time that I looked for home from within.

I found that my home was bare.

I went to building and decorating.

I built on the foundation of my values – creativity, compassion, camaraderie.

I created routines that kept the home functioning.

I cleaned up the cobwebs in my mind by journaling, meditating, and reflecting.

I nurtured my interests – art, writing, mental health advocacy – and that garden flourished.

I secured my boundaries and exercised caution with whom I let inside my home.

After all this work, I realized I had only scratched the surface.

There is a lot of upkeep required.

Constant home improvement projects.

Weeding out the structures and objects that do not suit me.

Slowing down occasionally so I don’t burn out.

Making time for fun.

The work never ends, but it’s worth my time and attention.

It is my home.

I am home.

A quote I live by,
Is no one has a heart like mine.
Because no two people can share the same heart.
It’s different for many different reasons,
I see good In places where others find trash,
But difference isn’t supposed to be bad.
However in a life where different has turned to redundancy and rebellion
Existing can be very lonely and sad,
For those who understand this,
I know you’ve been told you’re hearts different.
And to be different can be the biggest blessing and curse for humanity
And it’s a hard lesson to learn
That no matter how hard I kick or scream
they’ll still choose not to love me.
Branding me obsessive for a simple ability
To feel with all of me,
yet sometimes choose to act calously in an act of feral fear and self preservation
I give people my all
living life like an open book
until they choose to hurt me,
Because we’re different,
I gave them my heart
Trusted them
Told them my traumas
There was no confusion on my end,
But they chose to misunderstand,
And label me the problem.
As they pranced that heart to sand
And they danced to the sound of that heart sliding through my hands
When I begged them,
To just give me a chance.
I’d never do that,
Especially to someone I called my friend.
So I’m just left with the realization that my hearts different again

Broken…. again…

But trying to mend.