Dear me,

You loved the idea of him taking you on a proper date, which turned out to be at a regular pub. There, he explained his views on wars and forgot to ask you what it was actually like living in conflict-ridden places in the world.

Afterwards you held hands walking to your house, stopping when there was a wall so you could passionately kiss. He showed you romantic gestures and you did everything – your hair, makeup, funny jokes, the sharing of deep thoughts.

You did not feel better than him. It was the opposite. You accepted everything about him without judgment. Finally, he asked you if you could be his friend with benefits. You are allowed to be his girlfriend on holidays only, he said. That moment came just after he said he’d seen your medicine cabinet and he’d said it was no issue at all.

It was strange. He knew you wanted a serious relationship. After the medicine incident, he stopped speaking to you. It isn’t ‘bad’ to have medication against sadness, though. Isn’t the acknowledgement of being sad sometimes the first step toward finding power in yourself?

Was he the one struggling? You didn’t speak to him about your family dynamics, because you could sense he dreamt of a better match. You were also careful not to speak about your good job, so that you didn’t make yourself appear better in any way. You listened to the stories about the pranks he played on his boss and how popular he was. Listening intently doesn’t make you a doormat, by the way. You are just very kind.

On New Year’s, he texted you again that he was thinking of you because he ran past your house by coincidence. He didn’t say he simply missed you or anything conveying his emotions. That second time, you broke up with him.

One thing is certain – you know yourself well. You spent a year reading up on your personality traits and philosophical wisdom. You laughed as the book you looked at with him – titled ‘How to deal with difficult people’ – later gave you the answers as to why you could never be the one for him.

A crab with an exoskeleton. You have a big heart even if you hide it behind rational analysis. You quote stoic philosophers while crafting art that laid bare the vulnerabilities of your being. You write about things that need to be said, about the day you were caught in a conflict in Beirut, but also the thoughts your brain makes as it overthinks and overthinks.

Is overthinking a sign of weakness? Not if it helps you put things in perspective. You start with the worst-case scenario and find reasons why those will not happen. If it does, what you will do to mitigate it. You move through every single scenario, in effect branching every possibility. Until all that is left in your mind is the path to leading a hopeful life. That is a positive way of living.

Pure honesty helps you navigate a life led by this overanalytical mind, with a heart that can’t be silenced. You go on a trip on a boat and notice the difficulties the crew hailing from the other side of the globe are having. You want nothing more but to help them, so you offer them advice where others may have simply said “I don’t know” and walked on.

You know how to speak your mind while living in a society where good manners are often more important than anything.

But it is your emotional honesty that allows you to be strong and live a good life in the present moment. I am proud of how you stuck to your dream of wanting to be with someone who would want to commit to you fully. There is a time for Netflix n Chill, and a time to wake up and chase your dreams.

Sincerely,

me.