You’d watched her do it for years with envy. Turned on the switch that illuminated a dozen eggs scattered about a styrofoam oven. Instead of two neat rows of 70 calories, these misshapen, feather laden, orphans lay dormant in my mother’s 1st grade classroom until they pecked their way through birth only to be “set free” and dead before their 6 year old foster parents started the next school year.
So when I, crossing the farm across the street, stumbled upon a nest without a mother, took it upon my 12 year old self to clutch the only child from its cold next and cradle it within my hoody as I entered my first month of motherhood. I found the incubator, covered in the amniotic fluid of this past year’s open-house-show-stopper, and quietly brought it upstairs to my closet. I plugged it in and placed my single egg within its synthetic worming haunches. A few weeks later, my pubescent closet was filled not only with American Eagle sale items but the warmth of newly hatched killdeer. It was an endangered species. I fed it worms and it died. I felt proud. But now, filled with regret.

To the girl I once knew well whose laughter rang like a soft bell, whose eyes held dreams unbounded and free, there’s so much that I love in me.
I love the way I Dare to dream and chase the world with a hopeful gleam, an open heart so pure, and a spirit so bright I filled my darkest days with light.
My kindness is like a gentle breeze. I could calm the wild and restless seas. I give my heart without a pause. I love deeply, even knowing loss. 
I dance in the summer rain and find joy within the pain. The courage I have when storms roar shows strength; I cannot help but adore.
My young curiosity and wonder I now explore; my heart I always feared to ponder, each question in my mind explores. I love the way my soul sores.
At times, I stumble, yet I stand tall, willing to give it my all. As I face each twist and turn with every step, I see I learn.
For every smile, every tear, for every joy and every fear, all the dreams that I hold tight, I love me in the morning light.
So here’s to you, my younger self, a treasure worth more than all the wealth. For all you are and all you’ll be, there’s so much that I love in me. 

Your innocence shines through the cracks of my skin,
Like rays of sunshine beaming through to remind me that you’re still here.
You sit in corners with your piano,
Your imagination dancing.
I hear your silence singing to me,
See your eyes filled with hope.
I couldn’t heal until I looked within and saw you sitting alone.
You never asked for love,
And you seldom cried.
I carry you with me as I go.
You’re a reminder of the light I still hold inside.

So young yet so old,
You are more powerful than you know.
From time to time,
Tears trickle down my cheeks.
We’d been left alone before,
And I was wondering if it was me.
But my sweet girl,
I didn’t get to hear my tears hit the floor.
I took my eyes off of you for a second and found you holding me.

Your love is potent.
You are wise beyond your years.
I carry your light with me.
I will always take care of you and wipe your tears.
My sweet girl, the world is something you may never understand,
But I’ll be here for with you.
I’ll never let go of your hand.
When your light beams through,
I’ll know that it’s you.

My sweet girl, my love is with you.

To my younger self:

It’s sometimes hard to say “I love you,”
But know, I always do.
You shine bright in a world full of darkness,
with strength and resilience when most would give up.
You possess beauty inside and out—enjoy it, because it does fade 😉
But know that no matter how hard you try to be perfect, you already are.
Made in God’s image,
a princess immaculate in design.
Wise beyond your years,
funny even when you don’t mean to be,
and smarter than you will ever know.
You have a heart of gold—something to be proud of and cherish.
Through pain, you push through and triumph, which is tough at such a young age.
You may not have had the childhood fun some kids had, but you do have love.
You are a leader,
A champion,
A survivor.
You make the world a better place, and your smile lights up every room.

Remember, you are loved deeply and valued beyond measure.
Keep shining bright, for you are destined for greatness.

Love you truly,
Kristina

I miss the way you believed in the stars,
how you sent them your wishes
and forgot all your scars.

I miss the way you would bask in the sun,
hiding from the darkness
replacing it with fun.

I miss how you loved with all your might,
and believed you were worthy
of a love just as bright.

I miss how you held the belief
that the world was good
and she had no teeth.

But I have grown and forgotten,
allowed my pain to fester
and turn the world rotten.

I have succumbed to my scars:
no longer dancing outside
and wishing on stars.

I no longer bathe in the sun’s light,
but hide in the shadows
to stay out of sight.

My love for the world has been altered.
I cannot see past my pains;
my wonder has faltered.

But, I promise to be better for us.
to remember your smile
and regain your trust.

To look at me the way
you looked at the stars.

I was visited by love today. She showed up out of the blue, like a familiar face that I never knew. She said, Anna, is that you? I replied, yes, love, it’s me. With the biggest smile on her face, I was held in love’s embrace, like the clouds over the moon. A rush of heat went through my body like a fever coming through. I softly whispered, thank you, love. I’ve missed you too. I went to step away, and there she was again. She said, where are you going? I’m not finished with you yet. I looked at her, surprised, wondering what she meant. She said I’ve been waiting a long time to tell you what your purpose is. She said you have a heart to help those in need, not just physically but spiritually; indeed, you have a calling on your life; your feet are firmly planted on the ground. Your wings have fully grown and have spread out.
You no longer live in fear but trample it at your feet. Your head is held high, and you let love speak. Love pours out in all you do; you are no longer a songbird caged but free to let your voice ring. Love then looked at me and said, you’re so beautiful. You have heart to help people and a voice that rings true. I sat there, overwhelmed by the grace that love has shown. I held her tight, and at that moment, she was gone. I was visited by love today. How I never knew the love I carried, even when I was blue.

To the six year old digging for rollie pollies in her neighbor’s backyard,
never lose that hope.
Keep searching for the smaller pictures,
and you won’t find an end to the rope.

Fight the rules if you think they’re cruel,
let yourself cry when things are unfair.
Be prepared for duels,
and feel the wind through your hair.

You may be called weird or crazy,
and some may not be kind to you;
but if you feel alone,
feel the grass between your toes,
and remember there are two.

We feel all things deeply,
it’s a beautiful way to live.
So care for every creature and
always be willing to give.

Dance like no one’s watching,
explore the things you love.
Do not seek approval-
you can find it in the sun.

And please always remember,
you were born a wild one.

Let’s have a chat and sit and talk for a while, as I bring forth a profound truth. The awesome part of this chat is that I will detach myself from you, but we will still be one. The blood that runs to your veins is the same as mine one heartbeat. As I look in the eyes of myself, I give notice that the decisions and choices that I chose will have a profound effect on your life for years to come. They will affect my children and my grandchildren. I can’t see it now because I’m young and in my foolishness, I don’t have the concept of time coming to an end , it’s not always about the clock on the wall. It’s when time simply runs out. This life you’re living is filled with destructive behavior. I was given the opportunity to speak to my younger self, and the one word that keeps coming back is stop, but knowing you like the way that I do , you won’t stop you will take it to the limit. One day years from now you will find peace in your solitude. You will have built up a strength and resilience that is unimaginable. What I love about Anita is she is able to adapt to any situation, she is like a chameleon ever changing to suit the environment that her trials find her she has ability to face struggles and trials and never give up, not that Anita has anything to prove, but it is her grit. Her ability to re-create to be put in any situation and survive and flourish, and always trying to become the best version of myself daily .