BeeBee
The night of January 27, 2012 is the night that everything changed. What do you do when glue of the family is gone? When the person that keeps a family together is suddenly just gone. A family that is already scattered in different places from Wisconsin to Ohio to Pittsburgh and more. A family that didn’t get the chance to say a proper goodbye to you.
My grandma’s name was Beatrice but we all called her BeeBee. A nickname that came long before I was born. My grandma on dad’s side died all alone in her house on Friday the 27th of 2012. I will never forget that night. The phone rang during dinner. It was one of her neighbors asking for dad saying she hasn’t seen BeeBee in a few days and mail was piling up. A feeling of dread came over all of us knowing something was seriously wrong. We all suspected the worst but no one said anything out loud till dad called confirming what we already knew. Dad found her lying on the kitchen floor after falling and hitting her head on the kitchen counter.
BeeBee was the glue that kept dad’s scattered family together. From coming to Pittsburgh for visits, to taking family beach vacations, to birthday parties and getting together every Thanksgiving at my aunt’s house in Cleveland Ohio. But after she passed away and us grandkids got older the only time it seems when all of us get together now is when cousin gets married or getting together with a few family members whenever my one uncle comes to Pittsburgh for work.
My grandma BeeBee was a very prim and proper person. She always had her hair in a bun with a bow keeping her hair perfectly in place and wearing pearl earrings. Called food that was bad for you or sweet or fatty “poison” that will kill you. She loved knowledge, reading and learning new things. She was always encouraging us grandkids to read, to constantly questions, be curious and learn new things whenever possible. So today she is a big reason for my love of reading and keeping an open mind to new experiences.

Self love
What is self love?
Self love is:
Loving yourself
Appreciating yourself
Growth
Happiness
Accepting
Well-being
Self love
It’s different
For everyone

I’ve struggled
With self love
With loving myself
With accepting myself
My whole life
It’s been a journey
Finding myself again

I’ve been
Made fun of
Teased
Bullied
For how I look
For my size
For the scars
On my body

You’re so small
How tall are you?
What size shoe do you wear?
You’re so small
You’re head is a hand rest
I could shove you
In my pocket
You’re a midget
Pint-sized
A shrimp
Kids are taller than you
What’s with all the scars?
Why do you have them?
Look at her tummy?
It’s all messed up
She’s got two belly buttons
Look at her neck?
She’s got a hole in it

Kids are mean
Kids are bullies
Kids are cruel
Kids don’t understand
Becoming the girl with the tummy scars
Becoming the girl with the hole in her neck
Becoming the small girl with tiny feet

I was embarrassed
By my scars
But I know now
They show strength
They show I survived
They show I lived
Despite the odds
Despite the complications
The multiple surgeries
I endured as a baby

I wished my feet were bigger
To fit into real women’s shoes
But now I don’t mind
Having small feet
I can fit into kids shoes
Finding shoes for cheap
I still can fit into women’s shoes
If I’m looking for something fancy

I always wished I was taller
Like it wasn’t fair
The tall gene skipped me
Like why?
But I have expected my size
I can fit into kids clothes
For cheaper
I can still find lots of cute things
In smaller sizes
I can fit anywhere
I can push my way
Up to the front of concerts
I’ve Learned to climb
Things with ease
To reach high things
I’m not small
I’m fun size

So yeah
It took awhile
To find myself again
To love my self again
To accept my self again
To love my body again
To accept my flaws
To love my flaws

I’m still learning everyday
To love myself
To accept myself
To love my body
Scars, flaws and all
Some days are better than others
But I’m no where near where
I was before

New year
New me?
No not new me
Same me
But with new goals
New goals
New aspirations
Do new things
For the new year
A chance to rest
To restart
To do the things
I said I would
But never did
Last year

It’s a new year
So set new goals right
Make new resolutions
Is what everyone says
You do
In the new year
So what are my goals?
That’s a good question
I ask myself
I haven’t really thought about it
But I know I should
So goals I want to accomplish
In this new year are

Getting my drivers license
It’s something I should have by now
But I don’t
29 with no license
I never really needed it
From living in a city
In a neighborhood
Where I can walk to anything
But now as I get older
I realize I need it

Drinking less
I drink for many reasons
I like the taste
With friends and family
Gives me confidence
Out of boredom
To escape my thoughts
To drink my feelings away
Which where it gets bad
I know I shouldn’t do that
Drink to forget
But I did
I used to
Last year I tried
Slowly down
I was doing good
But had my slip ups too
But this year
I want to try it again
Drinking less
And actually accomplishing it
For my family
For my friends
And most importantly
For myself

Focusing on myself
Along with my mental health
Such as getting back into yoga
I took classes every weekend
But then stopped
When they filled up
Too fast

Mediating
To help calm down
And to clear my mind
My mind has a million tabs open
It’s always fasting
I need to slow down
And focus on myself
Working out more

Climbing
Climbing helps me
Both physically and mentally
It clears my mind
It makes me have to focus
To figure out how to get
To the top
Works my muscles
Legs and arms
I feel it when I stop for awhile
Makes me feel stronger
Makes me feel better
Afterwards
It’s a challenge
And I love it
I need to climb
More this year
And stop making excuses
For why I can’t

Journaling
To release my thoughts
My feelings
My emotions
In a better way
A more healthier way
Then before
I can’t speak
How I feel
But I can write it
How I feel
Writing to let go
Of the darkness
That’s inside me

So these are my goals
My goals for the new year
Will I accomplish them all?
I don’t know but I will try to
These goals may be small
Compared to another’s
But I don’t care
Because these are mine
My goals
To reach
To make
To achieve
In this new year