I have always struggled with expressing my emotions
I would typically just bottle it up and explode on someone eventually
The path of self destruction was a path i knew all to well
As a adolescent the first lesson i was taught was men do not cry
So i would bottle up my feelings inside until the invisible ceiling would shatter the glass of bottled up emotions i kept inside
Perhaps it was my ego and pride that would not step aside
Truly over a decade in and out of therapy and 6 years of going consistently has really gave me a second to see
The perspective i had was all a lie
Men live a life that we are programmed to lie and say we are fine and move on while negative feelings linger inside
Why you think we smoke ,drink and link up with women or men
We need that quick fix of an escape to create distance between the victims and the blame
Guilt and shame while we try to hide the pain
It is anybodies guess well its a guessing game like charades
I began to journal in 2020 , in 2023 i start writing poetry and not only that but performing in public stages
In front of dozen and hundreds of people at a time
Now i’ve performed at dozens of open mics and it changed my life
No longer hiding behind the stone wall i build leaving the old me left behind
Having a open mind ,saying whats on my mind and i have such a great feeling inside
Holding myself accountable ,facing my fears and having the support of friends and family all made a difference
Never know who can you inspire with you your self , you may even inspire yourself

Little one,

You’re going to make a crazy life changing decision .It’s going to be scary for a while .
There will be times you want to give up, but you’ll never regret it.
Mom and Dad they did their best.
You’ll be upset for a while but you’ll come to understand that they had their own life experiences and only could do what they knew how to do.
When you leave home just know it all works out.
Even as a kid you navigated the world and all its hardships with strength and determination.
Easily you could have made some bad decisions.
But it wasn’t in your character to take the easy way. You’ll have to work very hard for a very long time.
Even as a grownup things will be hard but you’ll understand more and you’ll get a sense of who you are and your place in this wild world.
You’re not going to be alone. You’ll have life long friendships with people who stand with you when you can’t stand on your own. They will love you when you can’t do it for yourself.
Home is a place you finally come to in your 30s.
It took 19 years but you get that warmth and safety you looked for , for so long. It took a while many homes that didnt feel like home,but you’ll understand why you had to take this path to get to where you finally belong .
You’ll find solace in music and in nature and with your made up family.
You’ll reach out to mom and dad over the years and you’ll learn forgiveness you’ll ask them to tell you their story.
They loved you the whole time. You were loved the whole time , but you did what you had to do and you become a beautiful person because of it.
No matter what life throws at you, you are resilient. No one can take away your love for life no matter what happens. All the love you gave comes back to you.
You’re an oracle of light
You’ll get it right.

Dear little Amberlee,

I wish I could reach across time and hold you tight, just to let you know that someone truly sees the weight you’re carrying. I know how hard it is to wake up every day in a world that feels cold and cruel, where those who should have loved you unconditionally instead inflicted wounds on your heart. The anger and harshness from your stepmother, the unpredictable moments with your father and mother—all the times you were left feeling small, unseen, and unloved—none of it was your fault. I need you to know that.

When you entered the foster care system, the uncertainty was overwhelming. The feeling of not truly belonging anywhere or being safe left scars that would take years to heal. But even in those moments when you were at your loneliest, when the world seemed too dark to bear, there was a strength inside of you that refused to be extinguished. Even then, you carried a seed of hope and love, a dream that one day, if you ever had children, you would be the mother you never had—a mother who loves without conditions, who protects without hesitation, and who always makes her children feel safe.

And you did it. You became that mother. Through all the hardship, through all the pain that could have hardened you, you chose to turn it into kindness instead. You chose to break the cycle, to be gentle, to listen, to care. You made sure your children knew, every single day, that they are loved exactly as they are, in ways you never were.

It hasn’t been easy, I know. You’ve had to relearn what it means to love and be loved, to teach yourself to be gentle in a world that once taught you to expect roughness. There were moments when the old pain came roaring back, trying to make you doubt yourself, make you believe that history would repeat itself. But you held firm. You reminded yourself of the little girl you once were, and every choice you made was an act of healing, for her and for the life you were building.

You broke a chain that so many thought was unbreakable. Today, your children know love that is soft and patient, a love that lifts them up, instead of tearing them down. They are growing up in a world of warmth, trust, and kindness because you chose to be the mother you needed. You’ve transformed the pain of your past into the gentleness and compassion of your present, and that’s no small miracle.

So hold your head high, Amberlee. You’ve done more than survive; you’ve created a life filled with the love and security you never had. You’re not only changing your own story but shaping a new one for the generations to come. And that’s something to be deeply proud of.

With all the love and compassion you deserved,

Amberlee

Do you remember? Remember the time before hurt or anxiety, little one? Was it before or after what must be part of the blockage that I put in motion well before I should have? Before I unwillingly summoned an entire spellbinding on myself so it wouldn’t hurt anymore. When the crickets outside still sang me to sleep. So, do you?
What were we before we became the product of perceptions? Perceptions that weren’t even of us, but of another? When did the day become “how much longer was it before we ate”, or how long we had before the scares of the night became heard once the day lost its light?
I need you to remember, solely because it wasn’t your fault little lamb, it never was.
She was the one with the gift for you. The one who needed to protect and nourish. She was also the one who failed to exhibit these attributes and passed along the wrath of darkness and loneliness instead. I am sorry that I cannot piece together the frames of playing toys or catching leaves in the fall. I do not recall dinners, dancing, or even colors left behind in these stitched-in patches of what seems to be a lifetime ago. I needed her guidance so that you would not need this once you turned into me. This is going to be a long journey my dear sweet self. This will hurt, and it will be full of trauma. Please do not think that this will be rainbows and butterflies. The colors will lose their shine, and the butterflies turn into cicadas while everything becomes louder each day. I need you to know that when you start to push them away and stay safe by isolating…it’s not your fault. There will be days full of sorrow that feel like months of escaping quicksand just to stay grounded. Days you lose yourself in the grief of what you did not deserve and balancing the edges of self-doubt and destruction from a belief that you did deserve it after all.
You didn’t deserve this. It wasn’t your fault.
The parts of your skin that make you wish could shed, to be able to cleanse yourself of the dirt they stained you with. I wish I could turn back time and put visions of drawings and grades on the refrigerator instead of past due bills and “I’ll be home later” notes left everywhere. I am sorry your childhood is gone, and it all turned black and white while you deserved the rainbows. The bruises, scars, and burns…they are your story. You prospered and gave your all. Through all the weaknesses and valleys of pure defeat, you dragged yourself through the trenches and piled all those stones and sticks they weighed you down with and you made an entire ladder to reach your higher self and see through the inherited version you believed you had become.
There will come a time when you start to remember fragments of fond memories that don’t burn through like lava, and you will be faced with the decision to honor them or block the images altogether any and every time they come along. The truth is the fondness of what was is more harmful than the acceptance of what is. What was, is what could have been and was taken, what is, is the reality of who and what you have turned into today?
When you flinch, it is not your fault. When you feel alone, you do Not deserve this. When you look down and still see the tar left behind from crawling your way out, remember…You are the one who forged the ladder, found the sword, and became the hero of all those stories you missed out on when it mattered. Please know that these doubts, nightmares, and wounds make you undefined. You are not of any guidelines or master’s any longer. This is because you find your voice. You find your light. You bloom from the darkness and reflect the universe in the light. You, little lamb…are made of Magick. The Stars and the moon will keep you safe, and the sounds of the crickets will help you sleep. You find your true colors only by finding yourself and becoming thankful for the pain. The darkness can no longer hold you in fear once you come to peace with the voids.

Dear My Younger Self,

Before I start this letter of conversation, always remember, Christ loves you, lean on him for strength, everything in life has a purpose. No matter how much the pain from the heavy storms with life experiences, lean on Christ. Prayer works, when it is for you and if prayers are not answered, it is not for you or not the time. The ugly life experiences, the traumatic event that changed your mind set, not to trust anyone . The time when, your body was violated and you knowing how to see and feel your self worth, value and forgiveness. Read the Bible you will see life in a different perspective. Don’t just read the Bible, Read the Bible for your self and study it, don’t just read it, study it. It is a guide from GOD about life, how to live life and about himself, GOD(Jesus).
Now, the conversation, Life is not going to be easy, it’s not a fairy tale and will have pain. I am proud of you, you are stronger than you think and know of. I am proud of the strength you have within you, I respect you and love you. You never let life experiences to form who you are. With time, you will see the beauty of your strengths. You will learn how to use the ugly pain for peace. You are not a follower and you are a very generous person, love people, places and things. You are beautiful inside and out. You don’t need validation from no one but GOD. I thank you for always being you and true to yourself. I am proud that I am you, you are not concerned about what others say, think and look upon you. Don’t worry or be stressed about the future, you will be okay even through the heavy storms. I am proud of you and you are going to be okay. You are going to have disappointments, people will let you down and may not be there for you how you expect them to. You will feel so much disappointments from lack of loving self first after loving GOD. After you love yourself you will see a life change with people and family. Which is okay, you are stronger than you think and know of. You are beautiful inside and out, you are full of talents. Don’t ever give up on yourself, it all will be worth it, you are worth it and you are a great value in life.
You can do it all with Christ by your side always. It’s okay to have a small circle of friends, it’s for your best. It’s okay to be you, don’t be afraid to be who you are. You are going to have a lot of ups and downs, all apart of life lessons. I am proud of you for being a strong , passionate and full of love. You can research information on your own as well. You are not afraid to pray, acknowledge Christ and not ashamed. You have come a long way from being shy developing into an open minded and out spoken person. You have grown into a beautiful flower that was once wilted, now standing tall and proud to be herself. At one point of life you hated your life and didn’t want to live life and thought of negative thoughts. The day you allowed Christ and was Baptized, was the day I found me. You are more important than what you think and know of. Don’t worry about yourself, you will be okay through it all. You are made in the image GOD wanted you to be. Family will not see you for who you are as well and that is okay.
Family, these days don’t know what the meaning is no more. What love is, supporting each other and respect. You will go through a lot of heart aches from family and people around you, especially men. Don’t rush into nothing, no matter what it is, take your time. I am proud of the way you know not to panic, keeping your faith even through the most hardest, heaviest and most difficult times. There are a few life experiences that will drain you, but, you will get through it all. Keeping your faith is not always easy and can be done just as it is written in the Bible. GOD will show you a lot about life that will uplift your life, mind, body, soul and spirit. One more thing, never let go of Christ hands, he will always protect you, guide you and love you. God is an amazing beautiful spirit and loves us all.

P.S. I am proud of you and never forget that I am.

Hope M Isom
October 25, 2024

I remember wondering to myself at a young age, “I wonder if someone will save me,”? If in fact i was becoming an unstitched book filled pages of memories and feelings left unsaid and my curious imagination took me page by page no real order searching for structure and the ability to leave chapters where they had actually ended. I had lost my breathe more times than i can remember in moments that were never to really supposed to last and I’ m honestly sorry to the parts if me that wanted closure but my head and heart were at war with loose ends and clutered corners unfulled dreams waiting for the day I wanted to become my own hero and no one was coming to save me or clean up the messes i let the cat drag in. I am proud of you in the most humble and sincere way, I am aways going to want you to love what you’re doing and do what you love, I hope you keep your heart and mind open because life is happening for you not to you. always oxox