Growing up I was abused spiritually, verbally, physically, emotionally and the unspoken. Being quiet and fulfill the needs of others taught me how to survive in toxic environments, but it was never stopped the abuse. My entire belief system was built on the foundation of pleasing people. I believed I wasn’t good enough. Love was supposed to be unrequited- at least for me.
Though I never learned to put my own needs first, I had a secret. I never stopped dreaming, hoping and believing for unconditional love. As I got older I searched for this unicorn named unconditional love, but to no avail. I found comfort in unhealthy habits that provided artificial happiness.
Then I had children. They became my light in the darkness. I vowed to always protect them from things that I endured and ensure they had a great life. However, my belief system didn’t change. As a result, the trauma seeped into my children and infected our family dynamic. I saw what was happening, but felt powerless to change it. It was a sinking ship with no life jackets. Whatever I tried was never enough, so I worked harder. I got more jobs. More work meant less quality time, but they had material things and spent a lot of time with other people.
Over time the relationships I developed via family, friends or lovers grew worse.
I felt hopeless. One day, the inevitable happened. I discovered that my beloved children were experiencing abuse in various forms, even the unspeakable. I wanted to vanquish myself from the Earth. I fought to give them freedom, but continued cycles.
I was consumed with anger and depression at the thought of failing them. Everyone blamed me. Not the person who violated them, but me. Sadly, I blamed myself too.
While I spent time away from them during the investigation I had a choice to make. I could wallow or move forward. It required a lot of introspection. I moved into a shelter. I had lost everything I tried to hold on to and just had me. Me and the universe. How did I get here? Through therapy and meditation I soul searched. Inner child healing was necessary, but painful.
The next step was to speak up. It took courage to testify. I was horrified reliving the events and hearing my autistic daughter tell her truth. I had to ensure she got justice others refused to me. I made a statement and closed a painful chapter in my book.
Though I am still rebuilding and reparenting myself, I am grateful for my journey. I am grateful to the universe. I am grateful to myself for believing that I was worthy to heal my trauma. The hardest part wasn’t testifying, asking forgiveness or taking accountability, but learning to forgive myself. I had to forgive myself for neglect, rebuild my entire belief system and visualize a different perspective. I take care of myself now because I love me. I spend more time with my children and enjoy life’s journey. Who knew that playing uno, park visits and baking cookies together could heal so many wounds? What was meant to destroy me has become a motivation for real change in all aspects of my life. I am grateful I will never be the same.
Although I was able to stand up for my daughter, there are many children who will never see their justice. Issues like this are hidden dark secrets. Although I cannot save them, I can encourage others to speak up and to heal themselves. I have found many creative avenues to do it. I hope that my story will encourage others to find their voices too. Save themselves. Take their power back. The more we speak out, the braver we become.
This is only the beginning…

When asked the question, “What do you want to be when you grow up,” no one responds a low level employee at a mega department store. However, that’s where my life’s journey took me. Initially I planned to be there for three months which became three years.
During my time working there I faced many life altering challenges such as domestic violence, a house fire, failing school, homelessness, financial instability,etc. It seemed to ME that the only thing I was good at was my job. Work and became my safe haven from the chaos of life so I invested all my creative energy into making my department the best. I began to build my whole life around the demands of the job and the more I gave the more they took. It didn’t matter to me because it made me feel good to be great at something.
Although I did acquire new skills, I settled and became complacent. I accepted this was my life, but subconsciously I knew I deserved better.
Working in the bakery gave me the most joy. Eventually I became a cake decorator and it gave me pleasure to create beautiful things for others to enjoy. Management offered me a temporary position as bakery manager, which I declined. However when I was told the offer was permanent I accepted. At the time I made a lot of internal and external changes in my life and I felt it was only up from here.
I worked hard for what I felt I earned. One day they called me in the office to tell me although I was doing phenomenally, they were giving the job to the old manager. Initially I protested and asked questions to no avail. When I reevaluated the paperwork I signed my heart sank. Although I was listed as a permanent manager in my profile the contract said overlay which meant they could give it to the old manager at any time. I felt betrayed and hurt. My choices were made simple relocate as a low level employee or quit. With that came a pay cut that was lower than my initial pay rate before I was promoted.
After I cried, I calmed down and meditated. I realized there was another radical option. I could start my own cake business. I possessed the skill and tenacity, so what could stop me but fear? Would I continue to stand in my own way?
With considerable research I realized it was very possible with little cost. I had to release limiting mindsets and confidence was the key to being as successful as I wanted to be. If I could invest creative ideas to build up a multi billion dollar company why not in myself? I still had some doubts, but within a week I made my first sell.
I am currently in the process of opening my business, working part time and restarting school with a new goal in mind. I have more time for myself and my children.
Remember your dreams and know you deserve better. Be who you want to be. No matter how much time it takes or who thinks you’re unworthy. You determine your value. Speak positively and give yourself grace. Every breathe is an opportunity to make those changes. You have the final say, so never give up and I’ll see you on the other side!

Dear Little Me,
There is so much I want to say, but if I could say anything I want you to remember this: fear is an illusion. Never let it drive your decisions.
You are a unique being with a bright light and can accomplish anything you set your mind to. If you ever feel lost or alone, that light will guide you to where you need to go. Your heart is full of love. It’s okay to protect it, but share it with the world! When you share your love and feel rejected that’s ok. Those aren’t your people, but thank and love them anyway. There is always someone that will love you and it starts with YOU loving YOURSELF.
Don’t be afraid to try new things. In fact, do all the things! They are opportunities to have fun and learn about what you like. You are a true winner as long as you keep love, confidence and hope in your heart. Believe in yourself and love yourself first. When you do, you’ll see it in the people around you.
Mistakes are learning opportunities of self discovery. When you notice them, embrace them with gratitude. They are here to help you and change is inevitable. Sometimes it may be uncomfortable, but you will learn to love yourself unconditionally and see the bigger picture.
The universe loves you just as you are. If you fall, it will catch you. If you cry, it will hold you. If you’re sad, it will comfort you with unconditional love. Things will always balance out. So stay in the present moment and enjoy being you. Your voice is important and you have everything you need already inside you to accomplish anything.
Keep writing your stories; I will read them. Keep painting your drawings; I will display them. Keep singing your songs; your voice is phenomenal. Keep reading books; it’ll expand your imagination. Keep running barefoot and soaking up the wonderful sun. Don’t forget to dance in the rain. Shape your own destiny with positive thoughts. Keep going love, you got this!
I love you
Big Me

Dear Daughter,
The day I lost you what is one of the hardest days I’ve experienced in this lifetime. I felt a piece of my soul guy that goes. My first baby and my first real loss.
When people try to console me are making me feel better angered me because they said the stupidest things.
“Maybe she wasn’t meant to be here.“ “Maybe God knew you couldn’t handle two babies; focus on one.”
Those Hurt the worst.
They were trying to cheer me up, but those words hardened My heart. How could they be so heartless?
For the time you were here you were meant to be. You were meant to experience love for 12 days now it’s been 13 years since you’ve been gone my love for you has only grown in that time. People may have forgotten, but I haven’t. I haven’t forgotten how awesome you were sometimes I catch a glimpse of who you are through your sister. The first time I got to hold in touch you was the day that you died. It felt so good to Hold you. The night the hospital called to tell me you were ready to leave the Earth, I felt I wanted to go with you. I am grateful you stayed long enough for me to say goodbye when I got to hold you, You were so warm And I felt so much love and also your labored breathing.
As you took your last breath, I begged for you to stay. To my surprise, you open your eyes, just enough for me to see their beauty and smiled at me. Then you weren’t breathing anymore. That image of you smiling in my arms is the greatest gift ever given to me. It stayed on your face, even after You went to God. Thank you for letting me be your mom. It was an honor and privilege. I will always cherish it and the memories of you. Do you remember our favorite book? I Quote the best parts each time I think of you to relieve the loneliness.
Keep shining in heaven until we meet again. I love you. Thank you for visiting My dreams letting me know you are happy. I love that for you. I will carry you in my heart always and continue to be my best self that Your existence encouraged me to be.
Love mommy