To The Place That Changed Me,
Have you ever felt alone in a room with someone else? I have. These four walls hold a lot of secrets – best friend gossip, late night college assignments and now the silent screams inside my mind. These walls have judged me, I’m sure of it. It’s heard me picking myself apart, moans from one night stands, and singing every song that shaped an identity that I craved. These walls saw everything, I know they knew that danger was about to knock on my door.
Why didn’t they stop me?
Why didn’t they tremble when I brought him into my room?
Why didn’t they collapse as a final desperate act to stop the pain that was coming full force? Why didn’t they help?
That night, I let my insecurities take over. I gave them power, I lit the flame. My friend Wisdom sat back with popcorn and a blanket and watched my mistakes unfold with a cup of tea, I think it was raspberry tea to be exact. She sat back and watched a horror movie unfold. Her eyes wide, the blankets up to her ears, shoving popcorn in her mouth too fast. Watching a film that should’ve been directed by John Carpenter. But she didn’t say anything. She’s just like those damn walls, always watching, never helping.
I opened the front door to greet a stranger who surprisingly looks like his pictures online. I’m met with a wide smile and soft eyes. I led him into my bedroom – in college apartments, space is a myth, so the bedroom is the only place that guarantees privacy. Our introduction was sweet, even familiar. With every joke, every story and every laugh, my guards fell off of me like layers of an onion. And then, a shift.
A pit forms in my stomach as those pleasant eyes seem to morph into midnight. The smile begins to spread into something more sinister and suddenly I wish I could put my onion peels back on. But here I was naked both physically and emotionally. Finally, someone spoke up: my stomach. A warning. Too late, but still someone was trying to protect me while the walls kept watching and Wisdom kept chewing her popcorn.
Fear had a voice that night.
She told me I wasn’t safe.
And for once, it was right.
Life comes at you fast. You can do alot in 5 ½ minutes. You can lose your ability to speak. A voice that you’ve used for years can weaken. The word “no” can transition from a command to a suggestion. You can feel the tears of your womanhood in a ways you never imagined.. You can go from excitement to distrust, from an everyday college girl to a survivor. You can pray.
Cry.
Fight back.
You can do alot in 5 ½ minutes. You can lose yourself but also find a warrior. You can meet the resilient woman who lives inside of you. The one who fears nothing, because nothing will quite scare you like this did. It took 5 ½ for his eyes to turn back to normal, for my now tattered onion peels to be back on my body, and a scar to bury itself deep in the hidden chambers of my womb.
Have you ever felt alone while a man invades your body, your essence, and your future? I have.