Chasing Rainbows after a Storm

January. The month in which almost everyone starts fresh, starts anew. A month of beginnings, declarations, and (sometimes) empty promises. My birthday month, which for me, means a good bit of happiness. Most social media feeds are filled with posts about people choosing a word that they are going to live up to for the year.
I remember it like it was yesterday. I didn’t make a formal declaration, but I promised myself that I would find my voice that year. A friend lovingly told me only a few months before that because of my personality, people were going to take advantage of me. I resolved to put an end to that.
What I didn’t know was that the events of the next eight weeks would literally define what it feels like to stand up for yourself and find your voice.
In my area of the country, January is one of those months where the promises of Spring collide with even colder temps to the point where one begins to wonder if we will ever thaw out. That January, I wasn’t looking for any and every sign of Spring. I was looking for and learning how to deal with a stalker.
The details are long and not really relevant, as the ending is and will always be the same: I was stalked by someone I considered a friend. I didn’t even realize right away that I was being stalked. And not only was I being stalked- I was being lied to, manipulated by, and isolated from our common acquaintances. Thankfully, the only physical toll that I experienced was a nice deep panic attack and the loss of sleep for a few nights. I am very lucky and grateful that it wasn’t much, much worse. However, the physical toll wasn’t the only one that I experienced. This affected me mentally, emotionally, and socially. I was constantly looking over my shoulder, afraid that this person would just pop up in my space. In all honesty, I felt more anxious when I was avoiding the person than I did while they were stalking me. It took me speaking up for myself, saying enough is enough, and asking for help from more than one person for it to end. I will forever be indebted to those who helped me end that situation, and for their swift and firm response. However, it took awhile for me to stop thinking that those who helped me saw me as weak because of that situation.
Throughout all of this, I learned that I don’t have to shoulder things alone. It’s ok to need help and to ask for it when it’s needed. I learned that finding my voice is a wonderful and powerful thing, but alas, with great power comes great responsibility. I had to choose my words and actions very carefully. When I spoke up and asked for help, I was initially presented with two options. I thought about it and chose the option that I would want that person to choose if our roles had been reversed. It seemed like the right thing to do. And once it was all over, that meant that as much as I wanted to follow the trends of putting this person who wronged me on blast on social media, I had to make another choice: Blast them and spend ten years in a court fight over libel allegations, or I could choose peace. I chose peace. Peace for myself, peace for everyone else this person victimized (and yes there were a few others), peace for everyone who helped me put an end to this situation. And hopefully, peace for the other person. That sounds strange, but honestly, unless that person has found or finds peace, someone else out there will be going through what I went through or worse. And I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.
Choosing peace has helped me to see that you can go through the storm and come out the other side stronger, wiser, and better. You can let your voice be heard and be listened to. You can point out when wrongdoing is taking place, and enact change. Positive outcomes can come from negative beginnings, if you just have the courage to speak up and ask for help.
I would be lying if I said that in those harrowing moments I didn’t wish for something horrible to happen to that person because that would be what society has deemed appropriate justice. However, I eventually came to realize that Karma works on its own timeline. It will happen when it happens, not when I want it to happen. In the meantime, I will choose to be peaceful and hope that the other person has found peace as well.

Two years, two years, the battle I fought,

For a piece of my heart, a treasure I sought.

She left home as my little girl, pure and bright,

Now she’s a shadow, a flicker of light.

I only know her now through the posts that she shares,

Once, social media felt like a snare.

My heart aches as the days drift away,

Yet, with time’s gentle passage, I find less dismay.

I’ve seen her siblings be embraced by their baby sister,

Approaching two, she laughs and sings,

Unaware of the pain that her absence still brings.

Three children laugh, their laughter like song,

Their pieces together, where they all belong.

Yet deep in my heart, a truth I still see,

No matter the joy, I will always be missing a piece of me.

A piece of my soul was swept away,

Two years, two years,

He stole a piece that day.

I used to feel undesirable, like I was the end slice. I was passed by like those who blow right through the yellow light. Time and time again the ones who set my heart of fire, never saw me as the one that they desired.
“I’m unloveable, inadequate, who would ever want me?” Those were the words of my personal truth that were more deep-seated than the deepest sea.

On Valentines Day especially, I thought I would like a teddy bear, a rose, and hearing an, “I love you.” It’d be nice to add my name to a waiting list as a party of two.

Then, one day reality hit. I changed my thoughts, my ways, and rewrote the script. How could I expect to be loved by someone else if I did not even learn to love myself? I became my own lover. No, not like that. Get your minds out of the gutter. I just realized that self-pity was wack.

I’m my own Valentine. I don’t need a man to wine and dine. I take myself out, knowing that no matter what I do. I deserve to see and experience things I’ve always wanted to. I don’t need a better half, for I am whole. Keep your empty words, and trinkets. I’m worth more than gold.

“Oh, just one?” the host asks in a tone of voice as sad as he or she thinks I should be. “Just one” is plenty. A party of one is still a party; and, I can enjoy just being with me.

Remember these words when you too are down about not having a hand to hold. It truly is a choice whether or not you create your own solace in solitude, or a prison where you feel lonely and left out in the cold.

A gem that hasn’t been claimed or adorned, is still a gem nonetheless. Self love is a daily choice. It’s not easy, like Britney, I too must confess.

The reality of life is that many won’t always catch your vibes and want you by their side. However, there will be those who reciprocate and draw nearer. Overall, what matters most is that the one who knows your worth is the one looking back at you in the mirror.

Your journey through life was difficult, yet full of love, strength and hope.
The choice to hold on forever or let go was never in my power to decide..
You happened to be my gift, so delicately intertwined with strength and love.
Some pieces of me left with you on that fateful day, and some of you will forever remain in me.

Now, I write to mend my brokenness and find the courage to breathe again after you stopped.
That, sweet mom, seems almost impossible some days.
I have been given a burden that exceeds my strength and understanding.
How can I leave you behind when you never once left me?

This is our parting as mom and daughter, or at least how we always knew it.
Instead of walking side by side in this life, I now trust you to watch over my life while I live in the legacy of yours.
Death, love, and finality all have completely new meanings to me.
June the 9th will forever be etched in stone to create a final chapter to such a beautiful story.

Many days I feel the need to lay down my shield and surrender to the pain of grief.
Grief is not really a stage or stages for me, It is life’s harshest reality manifested into emotion- the loss of someone you love.
I will never be the same.
It is life-changing, but do I really want to be?

It feels like pain.
It feels like agony.
It feels like an aching hurt.
But, most of all, it feels so bad that it almost feels good. At least I am feeling at all.

The day you died mom, I found a new part of me called grief which carries a rawness of emotions all entangled with love, loss, and heartbreak.
Pain has silenced me on many occasions throughout this journey, and my sincere hope is for you to know I miss you and pray I am making you proud!

I cherish the words you left me in my letter; “Keep me in your heart and our love will last forever.”
Mom, my life has changed completely in a moment, but I choose to believe that the beauty of love does not have to be seen to be felt.
Peace will come, hope will endure, comfort will be found and love will remain.

You died today. You never even said goodbye before you left. Now, I am left here alone. How do I go forward in this physical plane without you? Life seems cold and stiff. What would the future hold without you? I am lost. You died today.
My physical senses must be off. The words I hear are foreign. They lack texture and the ability to paint a picture through their fluidity. The things I see are without shape. Color has lost its brightness. People appear muted and void of hue. There is an inability to communicate and speak clearly. You died today.
The road is coarser, even with appropriate tread. They no longer have direction. Landscapes no longer have horizons. The moon cannot rise, and the sun will never set again. You died today.
Plants no longer have roots and no way to thirst, hunger, or thrive. People are adult and ageless. Faces appear upside down.
Life is void of emotions. No love, no kindness, no depression, no anger. Is it not worse to be void of emotion than to be in anger? You died today.
No one will ever dance again. Lips of people will never touch. The touch between the two will never connect. Embraces have become non-existent. You died today.
I will continue to be in the physical reality. But when you died today, you took the best part of me. You took my heart.
Hope died today, and humanity has gone away, too.

On twenty four July of eighty five,
a Trailways bus I did ride,
the destination of Jackson [Basic Training],
a new life for me,

walking step by step,
running everywhere I go,
marching in unison,
a new life for me,

shining my shoes,
they sparkle in the light,
subject to inspection,
a new life for me,

carrying my weapon,
cleaning the firing pin,
to the range I go,
a new life for me,

riding cattle cars,
like a herd in summer heat,
shooting 300 meter targets,
a new life for me,

As I walk through the valley,
a evening prayer, Psalm’s 23: 4, I now pray,
resting before morning inspection,
a new life for me,

my journey, life direction a new,
physical training, much to do,
walking, running, marching,
is all a new life for me,

in 10 weeks,
a new bayonet I be,
soldier of fortune,
a new life for me!

Mother Mary Called to Me
by Amy Saxon Bosworth

One day you finally knew

House quiet dawn
Stopping to read the flyspecked curled paper pinned to the wall

You knew though the voices kept shouting bad advice

A fast shower then tugging clothes over your still damp body

Though the whole house began to tremble

In the gym locker room someone yelled get home fast

You knew what you had to do

Running on the icy parking lot
Skidding on the mountain roads

Though the wind pried

Door flung wide
You threw your body on your child
Taking the blows without flinching

And there was a new voice

Gathering quickly what you could
Clothes
Children
Your heart

And still Mary spoke to you

The poem ripped as it was pulled from the wall

As you strode deeper and deeper

800 miles of prayers and rage
Tears blurring the yellow lines
Bruises blossoming

Determined to do the only thing

Clutching the fragile paper in your fist
Beating the steering wheel

Determined to save the only life you could

And still she calls to me
In the early morning
Safe now she whispers

Cancer is never a word that anybody wants to hear.
And it comes with all sorts of baggage, like excessive worry and fear.
Nevertheless, for me, cancer served as a wake-up call.
Calling to my attention that I wasn’t resting at all.
Even though every cell was tired to its core,
Rarely did I ever let myself just rest and restore.

When I was first diagnosed with cancer,
I started searching for an answer.
Losing myself with each new issue,
Like surgeries, chemo, and scar tissue.

Now, I generally spend my days focused on myself,
Or working through all the books on my “to be read” shelf.
Through it all, I am pleased to say that I found my sense of self.

While I don’t have all the answers and all my thoughts still spin,
I know one thing for certain is that cancer will not win.
No, cancer will not win.

To my younger self,

A lot has passed since you finished high school. I hope you take this the best way possible, but how you planned adulthood didn’t work out. You haven’t done a single thing like you wanted. Emphasize “want” since you forgot about what you truly wanted at some point. But how? Why? Me? Make a mistake? Not having all the control of my life at 18? Sounds crazy! The idea of failing will make you lose your mind, but trust me, I’ll show you the way back. First, let’s refresh your memory.

Back in your last years of elementary school, you read your first book: Romeo and Juliet. It was a challenging version of the book for a kid, but in the confusion of it, you enjoyed it. Well, you loved it. “It was like a TV show in my head,” you told Dad when he picked you up from school. After that, it felt like love. You read and wrote every time you could, and participated in anything related to it—clear as water, everyone who knew you could see how much you enjoyed books. Your passion wasn’t questionable, but there was a problem: something didn’t feel right.

See, in the beginning, you didn’t care; at least you didn’t think about the opinion of others regarding a career in the humanities. It wasn’t negotiable then, you had to make your life around this somehow but you got a low punch from a big hero for you, Dad. And before you think something, yes, your dad was responsible for making fun of you when you answered his million-dollar question: “What are you going to do with your life?” But no, he’s not a villain —he’s human. He didn’t mean it, even if you think he did in his mind he thought you could take his career legacy as an option.
So, who did it? Who made you fail? I will hold your hand when I say this: it was you. And before you hurt yourself with hate, I want you to forgive yourself as well.

See, you moved to another country with the opportunity of starting fresh and even having dad far away, you never reconsidered the idea of going back to your dreams, the real ones, and it was so that you even find excuses, “English Is not my first language, I can’t be a writer!” and blindly choose again something different. You brainwashed yourself, forgot about your dreams, and decided to make your dad happy by choosing his career path, suffered in the process, and did something for four years that you didn’t like as much as you thought you would.

All that being said this comes from the future you, this hate is going to take you nowhere, and indeed it took you to a dark hole, dark enough to corrupt you, and reading this as a teenager makes everything more complicated than what it is already but trust me, it can be scary but life is an experience, and between us, who told you making it right the first time is possible? Don’t think everyone does it right without making any mistakes. After all, If you dig deep, the only way out is up, take this knowledge of life, and build yourself a rocket out of that black hole, up to space, to a new chapter.

This poem was cultivated one night as I redefined my pain

P-A-I-N I’m a four letta word that will F-U-C-K you…more than sex

P-A-I-N
I am most people’s best kept secret. I’m great at hiding behind a smile or a quick .. “I’m GOOD” 😊

Four letta words Dang they WORK my nerves

they can sit and wait for years …..fester into YOUR SOUL
Turn a good man or woman’s heart COLD

4 letta words …so short and BOLD

….so short and easy to spell but FUCK most four letta words only bring H-E-L-L

I rewrote pains definition

(P) lease (A)im (I)nner (N)ow
is the mission

I WAVE white flag … I’m not giving up But going
B-A-C-K to what M-A-D-E me that’s what Will S-A-V-E ….ME!…… My ROOT(s)

It’s Hey L-o-v-e And GOOD bye P A I N

It’s time to be BORN again….Live Love and do Life so WELL , any pain that I went through will just be a mere story that I tell …

It’s no mystery, redistribution of pain to power is black history

The duffle bag’s packed, am I ready?
Yes, running away, but I feel steady

Because I know…

I have to leave
I need to grieve
The choices I’ve made
And this life I lead

To find the why…

The why I do what I do
To cause the dark that cuts through
The deep within, don’t judge my sin
I couldn’t withstand the winds that blew

So, I run
To where the sea meets the sun
Worry, wait, anticipate
Will I be a chosen one?

Finally, comes the call
Hardhat on, hit that Union Hall
Hear my name, I’ve won this game
Off this mark, I cannot fall

Surrounded by the few with birthing hips
The only females on this ship
We come in close, as we all know
This is our chance, this is it

For we must rise to the tasks
That will test our spirits and our backs
We don’t know, how we will grow
As we tuck in to sleep on our racks

But there will be a few
Maybe six or so of this crew
Who will bond in their strong
What strength they had, who knew

Now leaving my life I felt the wonder
Meeting a chick roustabout, and a chick plumber
Another who ran a business, a success
And a fisherman chick painter, a world wanderer

This little group wearing steel toe boots
Did this disaster choose
To better their lives, with the cause that did rise
And make their money, make their move

For though it pained the heart
To see shores made so dark
For some this horror, this event
Would provide a new start

As it did me…

Together we’d build
On what that oil had spilled
We’d make our best out of this mess
And their resilience instilled

In me..
Inspiration, determination

With hammer and nails
We built offices and rails
Some washed boots and decks too
Some washed rocks when not at sail

I remember in a note one day
To one of the boss ladies I did say
Get me on the beach, out of ‘his’ reach
I did not come here to ‘play’

I was washing rocks the next shift….

Hauling one-hundred-pound pumps
One each end grabbed and humped
On oil slicked rocks, in wet boots and wet socks
Learning to climb and never jump

‘Cause that’s how you get hurt…

They looked out for me they did
Threw a birthday party for this kid
They took a chance, hired a guy to dance
On this secret, kept the lid

It was against All the rules….

They showed me women could be strong
While supporting me like my mom
And together we could weather
Any task or storm that came along

As I looked at all of them
To me, older women back then
I remember thinking, of when I was sinking
‘I want a life like these friends’

On the nights with no sleep
Due to all those dark memories
I’d put word to pen, again and again
Slowly healing injuries

They and the journalling I’d do
Would help me work through
See past me for what I could be
With that, them and work, how time flew

Before I knew it six months had passed…

I signed on for more work when off the water
My parents got to talk to their wayward daughter
Washed boats during the day, at night did play
But never did take it any farther

I had straightened out.. somewhat

The Summer came to an end
I would rarely again see my new friends
But I still hold them close in my heart
For showing me who I wanted to be in the end

Going home after that last hangout
With my artist friend who was all about
Living true to herself, that was her wealth
We planned later to meet but went different routes

To Mexico…

But that’s a story for a later day
For after the Oil Spill I found my way
It still took a minute to be full in it
But I soaked up heat and healing in the coming rays

Of sun…

Do you remember that time, when your mind was consumed?
When your spirit was constantly running, though your body was caged in a small room?
Wondering if you were doomed, the escape no time soon.
A whirlwind of emotions, your mind like a ship in a monsoon.
You took a deep breath then, but the lungs didn’t feel clear.
The walls closing in, as your eyes shut in fear.
Counting each breath, Seeking a place of hiding.
The rock-bottom reality, a life inside of solitary confinement.
Adjusting to absent sounds, locked away in Georgia Prison.
A number assigned to you, now a lost soul in the system.
The questions starting to form, like what’s the meaning of existence?
Why do you want to live? And will your will to live stay persistent?
Does destiny exist, or is this “plan” a thought of comfort?
Does anything really matter, when one day everything crumbles?
Part of you wanted to know, the other was screaming NO!
Time was like the ocean, and you were swimming against the flow.
But your heart said you must row, and your blood kept on pumping.
Reality left the mind stuck, as the brain hurt from thoughts constantly adjusting.
Your head began to ache, then your hands began to shake.
You wanted to go back to sleep, but your body said stay awake.
Insanity on the horizon and logic a distant light.
The battle of the mind is where the spirit starts to fight,
It was at this moment; a sudden realization took hold.
That the mind is what matters, if you were to climb out of this hole.
There are moments in life where it seems we make decisions.
When we decide to look within and embrace a deeper wisdom.
It’s that momentary genius, it’s the spark to start the fire.
Resilience is like a taste, that’s developed and acquired.
Do you remember that moment? The one that changed your path.
When a voice whispered still, answering questions asked.
The warmth in that feeling, a blanket of sudden heat.
On the floor but somehow floating, a tingling in your feet.
The conjunction of the chakras, providing a temporary relief.
Time was a distant concept, the present moment to hold and keep.
This voice a distant whisper, yet a close and constant friend.
From the beginning of this trip, it was with you until the end.
Though your mind began to drift, and the thoughts began to scatter.
A steady breath of clarity caused mirrored illusions to suddenly shatter.
This was just a moment or a chapter in life’s book.
Perceptions to be challenged if one would only care to look.
So, concentration became the key meditation a remedy.
The hum of silent nothingness mixed with a booming melody.
Your breath starting to climb a slow and sudden count.
As time began to pass the pressure began to mount.
If light is born in dark, then the abyss holds the spark.
Making sense of this conundrum was no walk in the park.
Yet for all that it was worth, doing nothing somehow worked.
When stripped of all materials, we then found our true worth.
Not in glitz, not in glamour, nor in simple prized possessions.
As a cup does hold water, our thoughts are mere reflections.
In this lesson there’s much to learn, there’s no room for second guessing.
The only way to find the answer, is to question why we question.