I wonder what you’d think of me
if I went to the backyard where you brewed potions out of acorns and fallen leaves
 
and showed you all the scars the world
and myself have left in me
 
Would you say,
“Oh, I’m so sorry!”
While plastering
Hello Kitty Band-Aids all over me?
 
Because if you would,
then I think I’d ruin it by asking,
“Do you not recognize me?”
 
Then I’d watch
your dimples fade
When you realize who
 
Cause I know
you’d only feel so much hate for a woman
who straightens out
the same curls as you
 
But I wondered no longer
when you screamed, “we’re so pretty!”
Which was beautiful
since it’s something I haven’t told myself
in a while
 
But it made me remember
that you don’t feel judgmental pity,
since you don’t have any crayons that come in that color
 
How could you
when dusty frames say
you only draw pictures of superheroes,
rainbows and daffodil flowers?
 
And I think that’s why yesterday
I felt you tugging on my sleeve
When I was panicking that I had
hurt a friend’s feelings
 
Which left me surrendering to the fact
They’re going to leave
Because I was failing
At being the “right” version of me
 
But then I felt it again.
A pull on my tissue encased pockets
From a hand of a child
with a headful of golden ringlets
 
Who whispered, “it’s okay.
If they really love you,
then they’ll stay. I promise.”
 
And this gave me a breath I didn’t have
But my lungs still questioned if
I’ll ever actually be worthy enough for them
 
And that’s when I looked down
and saw your chipped, pink nails
wrapped around me
like you were one of those friendship bracelets
tied around your arm, so tightly
 
Who stretched her small silhouette
up to my ear,
her dirty bare feet pirouetting,
struggling to whisper,
 
“Remember all the rides they told us
we couldn’t get on until we were ‘this big to enter?’
 
Then why do you feel you need to be perfect
if the sign never said you had to be, but just a bit taller?
 
Cause now you’re big enough to ride them all
but you never do
and all because
you don’t think you’ll ever be good enough to.
 
How’s that any fun for us?
What’s even the point of growing up
if you can’t do anything you dreamed of?”
 
And then that weight lifted off my chest
That I haven’t felt free from since I was 13
And there was hope I didn’t know was left
that I hadn’t lost who I was becoming
 
So, now I’m writing this letter of love
To the reckless, self- assured little girl
Who brought me back to life
with a friendship bracelet and messy hug
 
Because I beg of you,
please continue to speak
cause I just want to echo all your
untamed, reverberating curiosity
 
And I swear- scouts honor-
to imitate your wild innocence
and your inconsiderate roar,
to try and stop silencing your rambunctiousness,
and hopeful outlook on the world
 
Because I want to pull you off the shelf
since it felt like I lost so much of us
when I tucked it all away in that box
the world carved out for my girlhood, itself
 
And seeing how little
your shadow is next to mine
reminded me I’m big enough to reach you now
cause those Hello Kitty Band-Aids
helped me realize
I’m pretty tall when I don’t feel the need to shrink myself down
 
I should admit though,
I also wrote this letter
to ask about that potion
and if you could make me another?
 
Because its magic taught me
that I did have to grow up,
but I didn’t have to outgrow you
because a part of me will always be five years old
Begging shooting stars for my dreams to come true
 
And to be honest,
I don’t know if it was one of your friendship bracelets
but it gave me the power to see
 
All the corners you were forced in
where lion cubs learn to quieten their ferocity
where I can scream, “she’s yours no longer”
to all those circus tents
they force little girls to conform under
 
Cause I am not barren of a choice
and I choose you
a million and one times over
I choose the girl who unmuzzled
the woman’s voice
 
All thanks to that tug on my sleeve
which gave me something
I need more of
and I’ve done enough maturing
to realize
that I hope to stay as young as you
when I grow up
 
Cause my little love,
I think I’m finally big enough to understand
that to truly love oneself and the world
is to be as beautifully small as you again.