You’ll Get There!

Dear Deb,
I’m not sure why you felt responsible for your parents’ incessant arguing. You were a kid and at that time, not considered fully human yet. You’d raise your head up from the pillow during the night, making sure to not miss a single shouted word. After all, what if one of them left in the middle of the night? What then?
You see, this was just how they communicated, but how were you to know? You were scared of what would happen if they got divorced. People got divorced all of the time . . . so it was a possibility. Where would we live? Could we still pay the bills? Debbie, you didn’t know that other couples argued about money . . . a lot!
Mom didn’t have a job. How would she get there? Husband’s had the family car, went to work, came home, demanded dinner on the table, and insisted on quiet! He needed to hear the news! “You kids shut up!” As the baby of the family, you were cheerful and had so much to say. When you forgot and talked again before the news was over, Dad pounded the table to get your attention. That was scary. You felt stupid and quieted right down. It wasn’t your fault, you were a little girl and forgot things.
Do you remember the rare occasions that you made Dad laugh or when he said something about you doing something good? You’ll need to think really hard, because it almost never happened . . . but when it did, it felt so good! It was a nice feeling right up until he got angry, scared, hungry, worried, or impatient. He could get really mad at his boss and co-workers. When we walked in front of the T.V. during a sporting event, it got really loud! Debbie, you were bright, compliant, and regardless of what you thought, a creative child.
Remember the times that you found a new art project to try? His first words were, “Whatcha making? A mess?” He really thought that was funny! His cynicism cracked him up! Sarcasm was a measure of intelligence, I guess.
Not to change the subject but, you always worried about being overweight. The energy and obsessive thoughts kept you awake at night. You seemed to correlate being thin with being attractive, appealing, smart and ambitious. You really weren’t less than, you were figuring it out. Being obsessed with food wasn’t your fault. Stuffing your mouth seemed to distract you from bad feelings.
Do you remember how you felt after a great big food binge? Your mouth tasted bad, your stomach gurgled, and that fat feeling! It rated right up there with hatred. Guess who you hated? I’m here to tell you that you were a worthy, bright, sensitive child who hadn’t found her voice quite yet. You hadn’t learned that discussing feelings you didn’t understand, or that made you feel uncomfortable, could actually help. There will be a time, young lady, that we (I mean you) will start speaking and may never shut up! Even if the nightly news is on! We will be “HEARD AND SEEN!” And furthermore, what you have to say is valuable to others and even to yourself.
So little one, please find someone to talk to, your mom loved you and would’ve listened, but she wouldn’t have understood. She just simply didn’t know another way. If she’d have understood, she probably wouldn’t have stayed married to your dad. She’d have told him that her voice counted, her opinion was valid, and that she expected him to help with the kids and even some “woman’s work.”
She’d have told him that even though she didn’t work outside of the home, she shouldn’t have had to grovel for spending money. She wouldn’t have tried skimming a few dollars extra from the grocery money. Or how about this? Maybe she would’ve reminded him (and even believed herself) that marriage should be a partnership. The bigger person or the one who hollered the loudest shouldn’t have fancied themselves the boss!
Debbie, you are so curious about how the world works and where you fit in. Be patient with yourself. Those yucky feelings are not dumb or shameful. You are more than enough! You will do amazing things!

Your Friend,
Deborah