Dear Lowercase ‘a’,
Ive been there through all your struggles, all your tears and frustrations.
Ive sat through your lonely nights, your low’s and your high’s.
I’ve seen you go completely unseen, unheard and misunderstood.
as I stand here now I want you to know you were never TOO MUCH, TOO LOUD OR NOT ENOUGH.
You were simply undiagnosed.
As I look back now I want to give you this advice…
Don’t hold hate in your heart for love ones who may have seemed inconsiderate to your feelings, its not their fault. Moments that triggered you and your reactions may have came off as tantrums to those who didnt understand that you weren’t throwing a fit you simply had emotions you didnt understand and could not find a way to express so the lack of regulation caused explosions of panic and fits of rage. But know that your lack of understanding and their lack of knowing never meant you weren’t loved.
I want you to know that feeling emotions at such intense levels is just as much of a blessing as it is the curse you always hated.
I want you to believe that no matter how much you feel like death is the only way to get rid of pain and relieve others of the burden of you that there is always tomorrow and if you can get out of your disassociation then you will see that when you smile and laugh others are like moths drawn to your flame.
You cant let others define you and have control over your moods, thats you power and you need to protect it at all cost but that doesn’t mean you should shut the world out and not allow someone to let you smile.
The world is not black and white and you are going to have to work harder than most people but I promise you if you learn to find that grey area your going to be a force to reckon with.
Your passion, your love, kindness, and heart will shine through any negative moments you may have, I know its hard and it sounds cliché but trust me.
You have many hardships ahead of you. Heartbreaks will come more often then you like but I promise you keep your head up and take in each lesson because it will lead you in the arms of the most kindest sweetest patient and Loving man you will ever meet and you deserve that, Lowercase all I ask is that maybe you go a little easier on him because he will heal all the scars from your past but you have to remember he didnt cause the pain you cant lash out at him because your exs hurt you, hes not them I promise you… but when you do lash out and go to push him away because trust me you will I know this; he is going to surprise you with staying. He is going to fight this battle with you- that you’ll soon find out is BPD, when youre diagnosed at the age of 23, and when times get hard he will hold you tighter than youve ever been held and love you in ways you’ve never been loved, so take it easy on him.
May you continue to grow and work on yourself because BPD is not an excuse it is an explanation for certain behaviors but it is up to you to stay alert work on yourself and find ways to be better for yourself and others.
It wont be easy and somedays will be a struggle but the effort is all that matters, you can choose to be a fighter or a victim and you have been a victim your whole life due to lack of diagnosis and knowledge so now that we have both those things its time to be a fighter. We got this ‘a’.
We are in this journey together, this is my attempt at healing you Lowercase ‘a’.
I promise you life is beautiful once you let go of all the hurt and anger, youre validated on how you feel but now its time to let go, all the things that they did to you speaks to their character not yours… so it’s time to take back your power and let it all go.
There’s a whole life out there waiting on us to live it, let go of the past and come with me… I wont go forward with out you, work on yourself, let yourself heal and when youre ready I will be here to move forward to our future.
Forever you,
Love Uppercase ‘A’